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 Issue 2 - November 16, 2503
Tales From the Locker Room Chapter 1

Chapter I: Bunch of pansies!

The Horrible and Sad Tale of BLOODKILLERMACHO

You are about to witness a historic moment, you pathetic little men. BLOODKILLERMACHO has arrived at FUMBBL and he is going to connect to the IRC channel for the very first time. He has already activated his account and has created his first team, the BLOODKILLERMACHO'S BLOODKILLERMACHOS. A Chaos team with 0 rerolls and FF 1, of course.

The time has come to teach those puny little coaches how real BLOOD Bowl is played. The time has come to crush, maim and mutilate a bunch of pansies, the time has come to... have some dinner, mum is calling. Little Carlton goes down to have his dinner with an evil grin on his face. "You are living on borrowed time, pansies."

Back in front of his computer, BLOODKILLERMACHO knows- he knows - that this is going to be a memorable night. He is so gonna own the channel. Carlton is a hardened veteran from battle.net and other similar sites, he knows all the tricks in the book.

Here we go. Focus, Carlton.

Feel the power of the twinkies.

He is in. Wow, lots of peeps in there. Better for him, he will own them all. He decides to greet them in an appropriate way: "HELLO, WEAKLINGS. I'M NEW HERE AND I'M GONNA OWN YOU ALL. YOU MAY BOW BEFORE ME NOW. BLOODKILLERMACHO!!!" Little Carlton types with caps because he is important. BLOODKILLERMACHO also ends his sentences always with a dot to add weight to his statements.

After a few seconds some puny guys reply to him. "Drop those caps" is mentioned twice. One guy swats him with a rotten halibut. Heh.

"The halibut swinger must be a Canadian or something," Carlton thinks to himself.

Some other peep threatens to kick him off the channel if he keeps up like this.

Lamers!

.

YOU CAN'T TELL BLOODKILLERMACHO WHAT TO DO, LAMERS, FOR HE IS A GOD AMONG INSECTS IN THIS CHANNEL.! There, that will show them.

Mmmmm, he must have pressed the wrong button, the channel is not there anymore. He joins again and that same peep immediately addresses him and tells him he will also ban him next time. What?? Carlton is shocked. This... this... little worm dared to kick the mighty BLOODKILLERMACHO out of the channel? He will suffer for this. Oh, how will he suffer for this. He decides to use his quick wit together with his BLACKDOOM script to show him who is he playing with.

W H O D O Y O U T H I NK Y O U A R E , Y O U L I T T L E P A R O D Y O F A T R O L L? S E X C R EM E N T - Y O U M U S T B E S T IL L B E IN G M IL K E D B Y Y O U R M O M M Y T O C H O O S E Y O U R N I C K A F T E R A SI L L Y O L D W I Z A R D I N H A R R Y P O T T E R?

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Two weeks have passed since that night, and BLOODKILLERMACHO is ready to make his triumphant return. He has double checked the IRC channel and the ban seems to be over at last. He has decided to change his IRC approach after his first attempt. He will become a silent and deadly hunter. Let those bigmouthed lamers be his prey, he will show them all on the pitch. The time has come, the streets are no longer safe. There is a new predator out there, and he is listening to Britney Spears' new album. (He thinks it is not as good as the first one, of course, but still... he has already memorized the lyrics. They really touch his heart.)

In the following weeks BLOODKILLERMACHO goes on a Blood Bowl rampage all over the FUMBBL community. He builds up several teams, flames some lamers in the forum when they start moaning about excessive bashing and fouling, and takes his BLOODKILLERMACHO'S BLOODKILLERMACHOS to legend status after reaching their fiftieth match. He has crushed, maimed and mutilated more than three hundred players, and he was even able to score. Twice!!!

He is ready to take on one of the most famous basher teams around, the Deathgerbils Revenge. The challenge has been dispatched and accepted, and the game is about to start. Carlton has prepared himself perfectly for this game.

He proceeds to inspect the troops. Assistant coaches! Mr. Doritos? Ready! Mr. Marshmellow? Ready! Mr. And Ms. Bigmac? Ready and waiting, sir! Medical staff! Apothecary Pepsi? Ready, sir! Cheerleader staff! First cheerleader Jenna Jameson? Ready and hot, sir! Just hit alt+tab at any time, sir!

Good. Nothing can go wrong now.

And the game starts...

______________________________________________________________

After a week of psychological treatment there only remains one gap in Carlton's memories covering those 74 minutes, and he feels well for the most part. He still has bad dreams sometimes, though, and those times he will wake up bathed in sweat and will only remember a shrill voice yelling, "Pikachu, I choose you!" Why? He doesn't know, as he will never understand why, during the rest of his life, he will sense a warm liquid coming down his leg every time he hears the word Enjoyment.

But BLOODKILLERMACHO has recovered and he seeks revenge, now! He has learned the lesson and from now on he will not play any basher team until the BLOODKILLERMACHOS have fully recovered. During the next few days he mercilessly harrasses coaches to play him with their soft teams, and slowly he restores his favourite team to its original strength and above! This time ALL his skills are killer ones, he won't suffer another beating. He has also learned to smell the easy prey in the IRC channel, to the point that he does not even need to check their teams any more. By just listening to how they express themselves and maybe taking a look at their coach pic, he detects weaklings with his foolproof intuition. More victims for the master hunter.

For example, take that guy with an oriental nick, Wuhan. He just said he never fouls and he never gives his players hurting skills. That inmediately raises BLOODKILLERMACHO's attention. He decides to look at his coach pic and sees he is... he is dressed as a pirate! Carlton bursts into laughter within his room. "Oh my oh my oh my, this is gonna be fun," he thinks to himself. Quick as lightning, he queries the poor peep and issues a formal challenge, slapping him with a virtual glove.

"Arrr?" answers the puny little guy. Carlton literally falls off his chair laughing. The guy even talks like a pirate! He can't believe his luck, this is going to be the best game ever! Carlon quickly alt+tabs to tell Jenna about it. An excited smile brightens the look in her eyes. After the game, my lady. After the game. She understands, of course.

OK, BLOODKILLERMACHO is ready to kill. Bring it on, Wuhan!

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Now Carlton lives in a mental hospital. At first, the doctors thought he would be able to recover again. He even went back to live at home for some days, but that didn't help. During the days that followed he slowly discovered that Wuhan had somehow managed to utterly kill not only his BLOODKILLERMACHO'S BLOODKILLERMACHOS in that match, but also all his other FUMBBL teams, his level 92 Diablo 2 hardcore barbarian, his Star Wars Galaxies wookie Jedi and his beloved Everquest alter ego, Princess Pinklace. After that, he was found under his bed in a fetal position and obsessively sucking his thumb.

Carlton is mostly happy during the day thanks to an insane amount of drugs, but when night comes, pocket monsters dressed as pirates haunt his dreams. He can't help but collapse every time he sees dice. The doctors think he is not dangerous in his current condition and there even is a small chance of recovering after years of therapy and experimental drugs. So don't think you are forever safe, my fellow FUMBBLers, for one day BLOODKILLERMACHO may return and hunt your teams when you least expect it!

Pikachu, I choose you! Arrr!

 
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