Dear Uncle Grum,
I play thrower for the Insane Hacks, a chaos pact team. Besides the usual assortment of loonies associated with such a team, I am finding our chaos warrior to be a bit of a hand full. You see he likes to bully us smaller guys a bit. During our motivational pre-game speech he tries to do things like eat our poor little gutter runner Swifty Mcfurball or attempts to tear both of my arms off saying: "I'm gonna demote you to a kicker, human scum." Is there anything I can do to sate this animal before it is too late and he/it or she makes good on this offer?
Advice Appreciated,
Chicken Hearted Thrower

Dear Chicken Hearted,
Chaos warriors truly are a unique breed aint they. Well Chicken Heart you truly are a selfish turd you have completely misunderstood the intentions of this poor soul. You see he is only craving your approval, it is nothing more than an obvious cry for attention. Being favored by the Lords of Chaos tends to make it hard to relate to others. The poor warrior is probably just lonely. Anyway keeping any chaos warrior on one's side is always the wisest course of action, and if that aint possible keep him well feed.
Good Luck,
Uncle Grum

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Dear Uncle Grum,
Me name is Ogden Stinkwart, head troll and Captain of the Feral Goblins. I think I got a problem with me hygiene cause none of the opponents we play will come near me, even me little gobo team mates wont stay around me for long. I don't fart or burp MUCH. Not more than the usual troll anyway. I even bath in Hellstench Bog twice a year so what's the problem? Puzzled,
Stinky

Dear Stinky,
Arrrrr, you've reminded me of that once great troll stinker, Umga Buttbelch. It's reported he was once pushed into the crowd during a dungeon bowl game, clearing almost two hundred of the spectators away from him that were horrified at the ensuing stench that enveloped them. Buttbelch was often able to blow away opponent's blockers with a careful aim and an ill wind. Listen Stinky embrace your natural ability to disgust, it's a gift from the Gods of Green.
If smelling were a crime I'd be executed,
Uncle Grum

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Dear Uncle Grum,
I'm the scribe and secretary of the Highborn Nobles writing on behalf of the former Lord Fairelf III. You may recall my Lord asking for you guidance a little while ago, in relation to a good starting schedule. Well Uncle Grum it seems you may have over estimated our ability just a tad. I don't mean to criticise your judgement, however few of our founding members are able to walk let alone play anymore. My former Lord Fairelf III himself is now incapable of becoming the Earl of Dawngate due to laws agaisnt undead inheriting lands on Ulthuanand my former lord NOW being a zombie when he got killed playing a undead team. An opponent I might add you suggested.
Explain Yourself,
Yathol Highwrite, Senior scribe and secretary of the Highborn Nobles.

Dear Yathol,
Oh my! I must sincerely apologise for I seem to have misunderstood. You see little scribe I accidentally offered his lordyness a list of starting teams for an Orc team to play, whatever was I thinking? Oh well. At least His Lordyness can take solace in the fact that I'll never do it again and am very sorry.
Most apologetically,
Uncle Grum
p.s. please send me the address of the Lord Fairelfs widow so i can personally console her.

Uncle Grum's Grumble: Here's a scenario for ya. You join a tournament all happy and full pride with your newly formed team, expectations are running high. Everything goes well for a few weeks, you win some games and lose some games but you're ok though cause your having fun and you've got the NADs to keep playing. Hell that's why we join tournaments isn't it? You think ok, Im down but not out. I'll PM my next opponent and get the ball rolling. You find out Joe Blow is your next opponent, you notice his win lose record is a little worse than yours, his teams a little beat up, could be a good game for you.
THEN THEY STRIKE!
Joe Blow suddenly and without notifying anyone has disappeared off the face of the planet. You wait one week then two all the while checking your PM box, scouring forum threads endlessly searching for a sign of life from your opponent Joe. Has he gone off to save the planet? Has he been institutionalised? Has his vasectomy gone horribly wrong?
I'll tell you what happened!
The gutless gutter trash has piked on the tourny, but hasn't got the decency or nads to let anyone know. His teams been beatin to much for his liking and that's not his fault it's everyone elses fault. The worthless pea heart aint got what it takes to at least finish the tourny, instead they just disappear. They don't answer PMs; don't respond when you see them in chat. In fact they sometimes leave the chat room upon your arrival, too scared to face you.<br/> This act is beyond comprehension, WHY join a tournament then? Things aren't going perfectly for them and they quit! I think it's time we got tough on these piking pea hearted sacks of troll excremem!
Heres my two cents on a problem most if not all of us have had.
We need a union of reliable coaches formed. Where all coaches who participate in tournaments could be registered and rated on there reliability to play matches in their tournaments regardless of win/loss record. Initially anyone could join. BUT! In order to remain a member, you'd have to be consistent and reliable.
POSSIBLE RULES FOR MEMBERSHIP:
1) All members must contact their next opponent to advise of available meeting times. Also they should notify the Commish if unavailable to play a game on time.
2) A two or three strike rule could be imposed. Miss more than two games (forfeit) in a season you membership is revoked. (Good luck getting into other tournys cretin).
3) Membership revoked status is permanent. So people would think twice.
Just a couple of ideas I had, come on you other coaches out there in Fumbbl land get on it. If done correctly it could become a great resource for commishes everywhere, as a reference. Imagine a perfect tourny, one where all the coaches would communicate and play their games on time, Aaarrrrr.