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WILSON CURSES NUFFLE & UMPIRE AFTER FLASHFURT DEFEAT

"F*** Nuffle! F*** that guy in the ear! And f*** that ref too!"

Despite his promise to donate to the Church of Nuffle and pledge fealty to the deity, Coach Wilson's comments after this match may come back to haunt him. Storming down the tunnel after the final buzzer, tossing copper bangles to the floor, the Ubersreik manager pledged to tear down the iconography of the sport's supernatural commissioner.

Supporters may well sympathise considering the manner in which their team gave up a winning position and looked so close to earning their first win of the season.

The match was almost an inverse response to the previous game - the Calamity of the Crimson Cascade, as pundits have named it - where the Unicorns suffered an array of misfortunate events. This contest appeared to be headed in the right direction as the home team expertly carried out their coach's tactics.

Barry Gryson injured the Flashfurt ogre, Jaryd Jones-Smith, who had to spend a little time being patched up. Rashad Fenton put the boot in on Bruno Giza and Miles Sanders knocked out Carlos Lobato, who has been a real punching bag this season. Ahmed Fidalgo scored but the match was in its infancy. To the untrained eye, allowing the Universe to score early on may have seemed counter-intuitive, but they may also have noticed how Wilson remained emotionless, barely allowing the faintest flicker of a smile to cross his face.

The Unicorns have been working on scoring strategies and their phase of play was only made more difficult by Gryson's insistence on rejecting the play calls from stand-in quarterback Logan Woodside and Coach Wilson. His bone-headed refusal to play at key points in the game may be down to a contractual dispute, but the club are refusing to comment.

Brigante, always among the flying fists, badly hurt one Universe player before their legendary blitzer, Uther Pendragon was surfed by Thomas Leboucher. The fans put him to the sword and he will have to miss the next match with a serious head injury. Zachary Blaide, making his debut having been promoted from the under-23s team, had a chance to pick up a loose ball but couldn't make it stick. Brigante did have the wherewithal to accept it and crossed the line to equalise just before the break.

Ola Adeniyi and Rashad Fenton had just enough time to commit fouls on opposing players whilst avoiding the opaque gaze of the disinterested referee. The referee must have been keen to get away from the partisan crowd as not once but twice did he wind the play clock forward. The match would be all done and dusted before the ratburgers were properly scorched.

A further refusal from Gryson to play may result in an urgent call to his agent, but the Unicorns received the ball from kick-off and set up well. BJ Hill took a cheap shot from Miles Sanders but Gryson, in an obedient moment, knocked out Hugo Lepier. However, the offense crumbled through a series of successful Flashfurt blocks.

Samaje Perine sacked Woodside and the ball spilled to Testa Vallin. Woodside managed to prize the ball from Vallin's hands but Fenton saw the risk which lay in a swift Unicorns break. However, in his haste he failed to notice his untied shoelaces, tripped, and ended his promising career as a 'Heel' of the sport. This allowed Torrosa to collect the squigskin but his break away was halted when Leboucher himself tripped and was badly hurt.

The relentless Perine delivered another sack to Torrosa, who was knocked out. Gryson refused to intervene and so the six-man wall which smartly divided the pitch, blocking off Flashfurt players, began to look less robust.

Giza managed to knock out Miles 'Colonel' Sanders and Juan Thornhill gained some morsel of revenge to clatter into Perine and cause them to miss the next match. Brigante had one more chance for glory, even if scoring now seemed unlikely. However, he failed the pick up and, instead, Ahmed Fidalgo scooped up the ball in a pocket of Unicorns players, threw a long range effort to the marked Donnel Pumphrey, who caught the undeflected ball, evaded the grip of Richard Lane, and crossed the line as the referee checked his watch.

The final disgrace was for Carlos Lobato being sent to the bench for a perfectly legitimate foul; the only involvement from this hopeless referee in the entire match.

Considering the second half dominance from the Unicorns, the injuries inflicted on their rivals, the lack of injuries suffered by them, and how close they were to scoring what would have been a winning touchdown, Coach Wilson's perhaps unwise heretical rantings might be understood.”