LOCATION: The drawing room of the Implausibly Stately Commissioners Stately Mansion.
THE SUBJECT: Grrreindeer, coach of the ridiculously named Köpenhägen Ïmmergeïl
THE INTERVIEWER: Happy_Amateur, a sycophantic toady to the Commissioner.

This is what transpired word for word, question for question, unabridged and completely unedited.

H_A: What first attracted you to the Premier Goblin League in all the lands?

Grrr: Actually, it was the sweet ass logo of the XXXL. No shit. Saw it and was puzzled, so I made sure I checked out a game. 'OH, THE CARNAGE!!' I cried as tears of joy rolled down my fat little green face, watching all the mayhem, and I knew right away I had to be a part of it

H_A: Why do you think the Great Gobbo keeps sticking jigsaw pieces up his bottom?

Grrr: Eh. Isn't that obvious? same reason as I do. and everybody else who does it. but we all know the first rule of the club; we don't talk about it, so if you have to ask, that's just your problem, because we ain't telling!

H_A: Mekutata is a genius. Discuss.

Grrr: That wasn't a question, so I'll counter with a real question (*Interviewee then garbles some drunken nonsense that was very hard to interpret, but seemed to indicate that indeed Mekutata was in fact a genius.* -ed.- )

H_A: Yes, that last one was a question.

Grrr: No. It's still not a question! who writes these??

H_A: Me actually. Please tell us about your team.

Grrr: My team is still pretty new, and I still need around a dozen more chainsaws to build it the way I dream about. But nobody wants to sell! I think they realized I'm on to something..... (*Interviewee then made chainsaw noises for about forty minutes before bursting into tears while screaming at the top of his lungs. After another quarter of an hour or so he fell asleep. Interview resumed approximately two hours later.* -ed.- )

H_A: You alright there buddy? You waking up now? That's nice. Here, finish your warm milk. Now lets get back to the interview. How many dead cheerleaders does it take to change a lightbulb?

Grrr: Well it's definitely more than six, because my basement is still dark!


H_A: Hmmm... Who is your favourite cheerleader at the Implausibly Stately Commissioners Stately Mansion?

Grrr: Never heard of that. Are they even cheering? Or leading? I highly doubt it!! Because they're all dead in my basement.

H_A: When did you first decide that cheerleaders were trash that you needed to take care of?

Grrr: Ehhh.. I can't really answer that without using profanities (think "your mother", "cheerleaders" etc.), and since we have little gobbos running around, I won't put anything to record on this

H_A: Do you think the Black Gobbo will be an effective Star Player in the upcoming season?

Grrr: OF COURSE! the BLACK gobbo! Did you know he was named after my soul!? BLACKENED IS THE END! CHEERLEADERS IT WILL SEND CRYING! MAKE THEM THROW UP ALL WHO SEE! MY PEEPEE! That's a little Blood Bowl ditty I made up myself. The game is literally made for him to excel in.

H_A: Did you even notice there was no question nine?

Grrr: Ha ha! No. You really tricked me good. You're so funny Mr. Amateur. And really quite handsome too.

H_A: Tricked you... here's question number nine! It's just out of order! Let's say, hypothetically, because certainly Pana is not here to snitch on you.... so lets just say that you finally get discovered for your appalling crimes against Cheerleaders, and the authorities lock you up in a tiny prison cell with several lonely, sexually aggressive Gitz that obviously like the looks of you... put yourself in that position and explain to me how you would escape.

Grrr: You're assuming I'd want to get out, aren't you? Well, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you assume too much, Mr. Amateur!

H_A: Do you like pony's?

Grrr: I'd get a dope as anything BLACK BLACK pony! Blacker than black friday, blacker than the blackness that consists of my soul boiled into a liquid. And I'd call her Black Beauty. And I would brush her down every day, and I would feed her apples and sugar lumps and take her for gentle canters down the beach.

H_A: How much would you expect to pay for a beautiful pony that is as black as you describe?

Grrr: You think I'm that easy? I won't show. but you can sign op to my OnlyFans to get a preview...

H_A: Do you ever feel bad about the Cheerleaders?

Grrr: They're dead, who gives a f**k what they think? I stopped many years ago. Screw them.

H_A: What do you think of Nuffle?

Grrr: Personally? Don't know the dude in person, how am I supposed to have an opinion for crying out loud?

H_A: Well that's all we have time f....

Grrr: Actually Mr. Amateur I have a question for you! Why does everybody in XXXL admire me so much? Oh wait, that's obvious, isn't it? But then again.. if you have to ask, theeennnn.. sorry. Not telling. I expect to win the XXXL (and erase the rest of the teams), as soon as my grand saw plan starts working, but that's off the record. The noise the saws make distracts the opposition players. It's my gift to them. I wish to Nuffle someone would distract me from the voices in my head. Why do they come to me to die!? WHY DO THEY COME TO ME TO DIE?!

At this stage the Head Coach of the Night Goblin Nasties held the poor chap to his manly chest, and allowed him to weep there through the night, terminating the interview.

LOCATION: The smoking lounge of the Implausibly Stately Commissioners Stately Mansion.
THE SUBJECT: MrCushtie, a coach currently surrounded by controversy and leaving the XXXL in disgrace.
THE INTERVIEWER: Happy_Amateur, a insinuating lickspittle to the Commissioner.

H_A: Well sir. Leaving the XXXL by choice you claim.... but with the terrible accusations thrown at you by the Referee Widows Association, what do you have to say for yourself?

MrCush: What could be more attractive than the shiny hair and beautiful faces of a million tiny young goblins? Somebody told me they were handing out chainsaws for free, and I couldn't resist. How could you have too much of a good thing?

H_A: Why do you do these terrible things? Even if half of what they say is true, how could you look anyone in the eye?

MrCush: It's a puzzle, isn't it?

H_A: Why are you smiling!? There's nothing clever or funny about forcefully touching the cheerleaders tata's and waving your penis.

MrCush: Mekutata is a genius?

H_A: Oh. Pretending you're deaf now!?

MrCush: Do you think this is an answer then? (*Interviewee spends a few minutes jumping on his chair and blowing raspberries while miming an exaggerated scene of groping unwilling tata's while obscenely pretending to wave around a waist high lasso* - ed. - )

H_A: Now that you've calmed down, perhaps we could continue the interview. Word around the XXXL Headquarters is that you lost the dressing room just after the start of the season, and that you have now been basically forced out of the club for gross ineptitude, what do you have to say to your former team?

MrCush: Lithe and graceful are two words ... that don't apply to the Bogan Picnic Hamper Stealers. Shamefully named after famed SWL goblin Bogan Picnic, the team have indeed been hampered all season by their failure to pay attention to the rules. Whilst I managed to amass an enormous pile of money against all odds, we didn't realise we weren't allowed to bribe every player on the rival teams to play for us at once, and I think apart from our particularly nasty bullying of the Night Goblins, we just did too much killing and not nearly enough scoring. The lads were tired from the beginning, going into the season underprepared, they don't have a Manshape to look after them (everyone needs a Manshape). They've drunk the Kool-Aid and gone against me, and anyone that goes against me best be prepared to reap a FURIOUS VENGENCE.

H_A: Any truth to the rumours of cannibalism?

MrCush: I'm a vegetarian, but Gobbo's are green like vegetables. So yes.

H_A: Any truth to the rumours that your twisted predelictions even extend to bedding 'Flings?

MrCush: There's only one Cindy Piewhistle and I'm proud of having done her.

H_A: You disgust me? How can you be so proud of this?

MrCush: Because I quickly discovered that not even one Cindy Piewhistle can satisfy me. I need all the 'Fling ladies.

H_A: Is it true that you would treat your Star Players terribly? Even refusing to pay them?

MrCush: Hopefully new rules will mean we can kill Star Players permanently. That will teach the snooty little snobs.

H_A: Ha! I have tricked you sir. Tricked you into revealing a murder plot!

MrCush: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, er ... can I reroll the Really Stupid?

H_A: Yeah. But with Loner.

MrCush: I refer the learned gentleman to my previous answer. That sounds all official, right?

H_A: You are truly insane! Why are you like this? What did your mother do to you to make you like this?

MrCush: However much it costs to buy the kindling. I don't need to make a profit on this.

H_A: Are you even listening to me?

MrCush: If you fly away from everyone, that's as good as being invisible, right? Plus you can save on transport. Being invisible - I can't see it, myself

H_A: This interview is a joke? I suppose you don't even want to congratulate Gnob on his winning the XXXL Cup?

MrCush: I try not to think of Gnob at all

H_A: Lets try this from another direction. Why is Happy_Amateur so lovely?

MrCush: Nobody can solve the mystery of how one human can be so selfless. Happy Amateur's work on the Cheese Eating Blender Monkees' logo was so superlative I begin to suspect he doesn't exist, he's just the starchild of all the good parts of human nature. That, or he's a Chaos cultist and we should burn him! BURN HIM WITH FIRES!

H_A: Why you really leaving? Admit your crimes foul git!

MrCush: You just can't have too much of a good thing. Or as Nietszche wrote, "to avoid the pain of rolling double 1's on a saw, man turns himself onto all the foreign 'Fling ladies and Gobbo cheerleaders."

H_A: Good riddance to you sir! Good riddance! I hope that the Commissioner never allows you to sully the halls of the blessed XXXL again. This interview is terminated.

MrCush: Thing is, Happy, OSBBL is best because we have mobs of Rat Ogres with tentacles, and I love tentacle porn, but SWL has the Death Watch and you don't even wanna know what I do with the dead bodies. DIBBL has lots of tiny hairy people, right? Right!? This world needs me on it, those folk need me and I need to be on them. (*Security forces then sprung into action to stop Mr Happy_Amateur from murdering the foul fiend where he stood. Tune in to Courtroom Cabalvision 22:00 Server time to see if MrCushtie is convicted of his terrible crimes.)

LOCATION: The guest bedroom of the Implausibly Stately Commissioners Stately Mansion.
THE SUBJECT: Pana the Snitcher, a gentleman of luster.
THE INTERVIEWER: Happy_Amateur, a insinuating syphocant to the Commissioner.

H_A: If you were Nuffle, what reason would you give for destroying the world and replacing it with this desolate green wasteland?

PtS: I fink beecoz i wuz gettin tired of all dem hoomies and pointy-earz an smelly kaos fings. Dey just ave no klass


H_A: Is it true that you eat sandwiches filled with the shaven pubic hair of your players?

PtS: why, u dozn't?


H_A: Rumour has it that you are a big fan of the Commissioner.

PtS: Dat'z not a kwestion. Kommish iz a sneeky git i tellz yer, I bin keepin my eyez on him. Ee ain't gettin one ova da snitcha. Eez about az likeable az a pube sanwich, which iz relly likeable, coz i luv pube sanwiches


H_A: Yes, that last one was a question.

PtS: no it wern't


H_A: How would you describe the Gladiataaaz?

PtS: Da Gladiataaazz is da teknical perfekt teem. We az 2 big uns wot 'its fings, an small uns wot doz ova fings. we also az frendz in hi placez and lotz of muneyz to pay fo dem. we hatez da Bad Applez an de Mischiefz an we iz lookin forward to stompin dem next Waagh.


H_A: If you were walking down the street and you came across two slices of bread, buttered and pressed together around a large clump of suspiciously curly black hairs, what would you do?

PtS: Eeazy. Eetz it. Next kwestion


H_A: Who is your favourite cheerleader at the Implausibly Stately Commissioners Stately Mansion?

PtS: dey iz all well nice, kommish needz to share more,but i likez Gal Gobbot (but don be tellin my missus Dave, itz a sekret)


H_A: When did you first give up on life?

PtS: wen de Gladiataazz didn win agenst the Bogey Machines


H_A: Do you think the Black Gobbo will be an effective Star Player in the upcoming season?

PtS: nah, ee iz pantz. unless ee joinz us, then he iz a top gob


H_A: Did you even notice there was no question 9?

PtS: wut?


H_A: Tricked you... here it is.

PtS: dammit, cheeky git


H_A: How much would you charge to wash every uniform in the XXXL? Please show your working.

PtS: ugh, mafz. ask kommish an den timez hiz answa by a millionz. ee likez mafz


H_A: If you had a choice between two superpowers, being invisible or flying, which would you choose?

PtS: invizibol, so i could stomp more gitz wivout crappy refz ruinin da party


H_A: What do you think of Gnob? Personally?

PtS: hatez im. next kwestion


H_A: Why is Happy_Amateur so lovely?

PtS: ee iz a Ilustrious Gentleman of da leeg, only da best gobz qwalifiez.


H_A: Who are the Illustrious Gentlemen and what exactly do they do?

PtS: i don kno wut u iz talkin about (dammit happy i tellz ya evry time itz a sekret, u haz a big mouf)