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GLN 15 - Cooking with Kam

Cooking with Kam
by Kam

Coach Kam answers the readers' questions and teach you how to improve your game play along with your cooking skills.

Dear Kam,

I am here to learn how to cook, boil, slice and dice Slann properly. Could you enlighten me?

- BG Handras

Dear Mr Handras,

It's pretty easy. I've learned this recipe from Gramma Kam. First off, you need boots. Not every kind of boots. Heavy, spiky boots from the Moot. It's essential to tenderize the meat. Then you need cherries. Don't ask me why, it doesn't even go well with Slann meat, but my gramma always said "start with a cherry". And finally, you need a Blood Bowl team, and fans as well, with rocks, to tenderize the meat even more.

Once you have all that, ask your trees to slash the first frog they see. That's what Bretonian cooks call a bouquet garni. Then come the boots. You need enough boots to separate those juicy legs from the body. At this point, you may have to get rid of the ref for a couple of turns: it's hard to cook when frogs are trying to bite you. Kicking him in the nuts is pretty effective, and should give you a few turns to breathe.

Here is the most important part: you need to degorge (as say the Bretonians again) the legs in milk. Preferably Bull Centaur milk. It has a spicy, chaotic aftertaste that can't be reproduced. Milking a bull sounds kinda dangerous (and perverted), but trust me, it's worth the risk. After a half time marinade, your legs should be almost ready, and most of your flings will probably be at the kitchen door, faking injuries. It's time to deep fry them in your chef's cauldron. Don't overseason them: that'd kill the taste. And don't overcook them either: it dries faster than chicken. You can serve them with rice or Bretonian fries.

Swamply yours,

- Kam, head chef of the Flying Sammiches

Dear Kam,

As an Undead coach I am curious if there are any new recipes for human brains coming out of the Moot? I hear warpstone is a popular spice for them in Skavenblight, but I am finding it hard to keep my zombies motivated with the regular Ho hum recipes passed down from our regular necromancers.

Thank you Chef Kam.

- Death is Forever staff

Dear Mr Coyote,

You may not know it, but I was sent to Araby when I was 15 to learn the art of cooking in chef Gordon Ramses's kitchen. I'm probably the Halfling chef who knows the best how to please the Undead (no, I'm not referring to necrophilia, and as said to the redemptor, it's legal in those countries anyway), so you were right to contact me.

First off, a successful dish starts with fresh ingredients. Leave rat food to rats. Halfling chefs don't use chemicals, and you will never find any trace of warpstone in their plates. Mutated corn is a big problem in the Moot, I don't want to encourage such practices. Zombies may not be famous for their palate - some of them don't even have one, literally, nor a tongue for that matter, nor teeth, nor a jaw... - but they're not stupid! I mean... yes, they are but... Oh, don't try to confuse me! Don't feed them crap. Period.

For this recipe, we will need small sized brains. I strongly recommend Snotling brains. Of course, you could use Black Orc brains instead - they're about the same size - but they're much harder to find. Fresh Snotlings have the nose slightly humid and the mouth bright red. Don't pay attention to the smell, it's normal.

You now have to open the skull to extract the brain. Smashing the skull with his heel to pop the brain out is pretty funny but it's harder than it sounds, and unless you're a licensed member of the
Snotlings Torturers Association, you will most likely simply ruin the product. Professionals use chainsaws instead, but you could also use an egg opener (the XXL ones, for ostrich eggs - they can be found in any Waaagh Mart for 4.99).

Put each brain in a ramekin with finely sliced endives and smoked ham (preferably from northern Estalia), add one spoon of Bretonnian crême fraiche, and sprinkle it with grated cheese. It's almost ready. Take your preparation to the closest franchise of the College of the Bright Order and ask a wizard to flash fry it. That's it, your brain gratin can now be served.

- Chef Kam, recently acquitted by the redemptors

Dear Kam,

Following on the train of thought from Mr Coyote and racial preferences to taste! I'm aware when all the planets are aligned Amazon warrior women have a tendency to enjoy a Halfling Kebab with extra spicy sauce... Now 'if' (BIG if) a Halfling(s) could down a Zon warrior how would they like to reply the favour?

- Fear the Females staff

Dear Mr Prez,

As you probably know, I'm writing this letter from Armorica, where I've been conducting researches on the diet of the Blood Bowl players of the old. My next destination being the Amazon basin, I may have a recipe for you (and by the way, that "if" wasn't too big, as your players may have already told you after their last game against my own ladies).

I've learned this recipe in the arid highlands bordering Amazonia. It's called a pique macho, and it's probably the perfect dish if you want to spice up your ladies. For this recipe, you will need 3 Kg of Minotaur meat, 15 Squig sausages, 2 Kg of tomatoes, 5 or 6 big onions, chilli peppers, 800g of mushrooms, and some goat cheese.

Cleanly cutting up a Minotard on a Blood Bowl pitch is not an easy thing. Even if you manage to kill the beast, you can be pretty sure his Ogre and Troll buddies will run to the carcass and feast on the best parts. Instead, I generally try to lure him near the side-line and push him into the crowd. The fans do the rest - just ask them to save a filet for you. Oh, and don't use the meat of a mutated Minotard: Humans can't digest it, and the locker room would turn nurglish after the meal.

Goblin Fanatics are experts at finding succulent mushrooms, so you should definitely ask one if he has something for you. By asking, I obviously mean strangling him with his own chain before taking whatever mushrooms he's been hiding. If you can't find any on the corpse, try cutting up his stomach: they generally contain half-digested shrooms. Don't worry about the gastric juices, the acidity goes well with the other ingredients of the dish. If that method sounds too dangerous for you, you could simply foul every other Goblin on the pitch: his coach is very likely to lose it and ask the Fanatic to run to catch up with the action, which invariably ends up with Mr Psycho stumbling and killing himself with his own weapon. But of course, even if you chose the first method, feel free to foul every single Goblin anyway: that will cheer everybody up, and you can't cook a good dish if you're in a bad mood.

You can find the other ingredients in any Orgafling Market. I particularly recommend Granny Melwyn's goat cheese - she's the only herder of the Old World who successfully reintroduced Beastmen in the mountains of the Empire. Peal the tomatoes, slice the onions, and slowly reduce the mix. Add the sliced peppers after ten minutes or so (you may want to remove some of the seeds if it's too spicy). Meanwhile, dice the Minotard meat and cook it in oil in a hot pan until it gets some colours. When it's ready, drop them in the hotpot to finish the cooking. Boil the sausages, and slice them. Cook the mushrooms with butter in a pan. Mix everything when it's ready, and add two slices of goat cheese per plate. People here eat this dish with Bretonian Fries, but you could also serve it with rice.

Culinary yours,

- Chef Kam, first Halfling to serve an Alligator burger

Dear Chef Kam,

I enjoyed your state-of-the-art recipes so far, but I would like to hear your ideas about how to give my Dark Elves the right bloodthirst they need to compete with all those killerteams out there. They seem more interested about licking their own wounds (is there a specialo taste they enjoy?) than tasting the blood of their opponents. Can you help me out in this matter?

Thanks in advance,

- Your Monsta

Dear Monsta,

I am no psychonalist... psychotal... brain doctor, I'm a mere Halfling cook (have you tried my brain gratin recipe by the way?). However, I think you got it wrong with your team. Have you even tried to understand your players? You really need to start thinking like a Dark Elf.

Dark Elves just want to have a simple life. They enjoy simple things: being sad and depressed in their cold stone castles, listening to the latest album of PJ Druchii, scarifying a baby from time to time while watching an interview of Robert Pattinkhorne on Cabalvision... but adventurers and Blood Bowl coaches keep coming in Naggaroth to force them to play in shiny stadiums against smelly Dwarves or arrogant High Elves. How do you think they feel?

That being said, I can understand your frustration and I'm going to try to help you. If your players like the taste of their own blood better, it's simply because you feed them too well. Try feeding them exclusively MaleKitKat and their blood will turn into a chemical substance even an Underworld Goblin wouldn't dare to lick. However, be aware of the risks: they may become as obese as a Halfling with such a diet. There are alternatives like spicy dragon tongues soups from Cathay, but the side effects may be even worse (try that and "fireball" will take a whole new meaning on the next morning).

You should also keep in mind some races taste better than others. Halflings and High Elves should obviously be your favourite picks. Wood Elves should be avoided: I've heard Druchii are not fond of organic food. The same goes for Undead teams and Greenskins: the latter bath once a year, and there's not much blood to lick on sacks of bones. Vampires however are an exception: they will taste just like their last opponents, so you should check that first. Dwarves and Chaos players fall into another category. Alcohol or warpstone consumption make their blood quite addictive, but it also has psychedelic side-effects. Your players are likely to get out of control once they have tasted it - it's up to you to decide whether it's a good or a bad thing.

Emotionally yours,

- Kam, Freudian Sleeper

Dear Kam,

I have this league thing going along and I find myself in unfamiliar surroundings, so I'm in need of a... killer recipe. I keep piling on more claws on my beast steak, but all I get is a burnt tongue even after I give it a mighty blow to cool it. Please help me whip up a good recipe that will prove to be a KO with the rest of the league!

- Daudy

Dear Daudy,

You need to turn your games into culinary art. I strongly recommend you to sign your players for a training session in the Blood Boiled Academy of the Moot (you may get a 10% discount if you mention my name). After this two weeks cursus, they won't see Slanns, Dwarves, or Treemen anymore, but frog legs, filets mignons in a beer sauce, and Halflings barbecues.

During the first week, the students learn basic recipes for the most common food found on a Blood Bowl pitch. You will be provided all the culinary tools you need, and will work with the freshest products, coming straight from the infirmary of the Altdorf stadium. In no other academy of the Old World you will be furnished body parts of superstars of the NAF to learn the art of cooking. You will work with premium products, for premium students. The most famous chefs of the Moot will show you how to cook rats on a skewer, how to prepare delicious Minotard burgers, and how to make wonderful ham out of a freshly cut Ogre leg. They will also taste some of the finest dishes prepared in the previous sessions, staring body parts of Krikack (or what the Charioteers left of him), Pipin's meat pie, and Vindaloo jerkey, delicately smoked by Mr T.

During the second week, the students learn how to use their newly acquired cooking skills on the pitch. After this training, they won't pile on anymore: they will tenderize the meat. They will no longer stab an opponent, they will take what they need to make blood sausages. Your Beast of Nurgle won't have tentacles anymore: he will become your pantry. The students also learn which cooking tools are allowed on the pitch, and how to convince a referee to let you stuff your opponents with mushrooms or aromatic herbs before the kick-off (he may become the core ingredient of your next dish in the process).

And if you're not convinced yet, if you sign up for three or more teams before July 1st, a Halfling Chef from the Academy will assist the team of your choice for its next ten games!

Studiously yours,

- Chef Kam, founder of the Blood Boiled Academy