|This Dark Elf team came together due to a shared interest in exotic morsels cooked in a variety of ways to bring out the best flavour in all of you...|
Headlined by the master chefs themselves, Blood Bowl is the best means they have found of literally cutting their opponents to pieces and finding the best chunks to serve as gourmet food.
Winner of Chunky's' Regional LVII
Runner up Darkstar Corsairs Conference LIX
6th Prem LX
Runner up Redgum's Ruffians Conference LXI
7th Prem LXII
Winner Mort Volente Conference LXIII
2nd Prem LXIV
7th Prem LXV
Winner 1st Bob Borc Cup
5th Technically Minded Conference LXVI
3rd Conference LXVII
SWL Season LVII
Steaked 1 - Selley's No More Gaps (Grod's Human Filler Team) 2
The chefs were unable to find any chinks in the armour as Grod's men relentlessly
outmaneuvered, outmuscled and outmanned them, helped by a big serving of ones and snakes, especially when doing things with the ball. Facing two strength five ogres was bad enough, but one being the star player and smartest ogre ever Mighty Zug didn't help things either. Team leader and power behind the throne Fricasseed was heard to remark after the game that they didn't want any filthy human meat anyway, prompting Filleted, the nominal no.1, to hastily swallow his roasted morsel of Selleys Special Putty that he had filched from the field.
Steaked 3 - Rattled Toads (Karnov's Slann Filler Team) 0
In a masterful show of psychological warfare, Fricasseed made sure to parade the bunches of garlic and tubs of freshly churned butter through the Slann dressing room, complete with cooking instructions taped to the tub sides. Nobody really knows what happened in the dressing room afterwards, but rumour has it that the Slann decided to sacrifice parts of their tastier players to Khaine...with the tastiest, Acorn by name, forced to give up a whole arm.
Fellow undead "gourmets" devour two of Steaked's waiters as hors d'oeuvres. Horror abounds. Talented chefs pull together and deliver an 16 course meal to narrowly triumph.
Rats in the cellar, and when the chefs tried to stop them, they turned their knives upon them! Does any more really need to be said?
Blood, sweat and tears in the kitchen to cook up a storm!
Sheer meat and potatoes stuff. Usu Shio nice catch though...very tasty.
Tried to slice a morsel of Powie's grade AA+ meat but sadly no dice. Instead, he proved why he was grade AA+ in the first place by tenderizing whoever he went after (and one who went after him). However the rest of the supporting staff wasn't so competent and a couple of them, including the headwaiter was served to the hungry crowd to enjoy. This proved just about enough to satiate the demands of victory.
Undead meat too nasty to sniff and have a particularly vicious habit of regenerating whilst being cooked. Legendary waiter Grilled tried his hardest but even he could not think of a way to serve it.
Two orders sent back and salvaged by the astute suggestions of manager Broiled ensured the close of yet another successful day.
Steaked put out the welcoming mat for the VIP Lizards as they harried and overtaxed the capacity of the staff to deliver a good meal. To add insult to injury, the desk manager Soused slipped on a discarded skink skin and fractured his skull, whilst head chef Grilled cracked under the pressure and was sent to the sick room muttering "scales....scales!Balance!"
The heavily underskilled and understaffed Steaked was not able to stand up to the heavy green demands made upon them. Even the hastily hired help did no more than take the money and run. It was something of a cold comfort to get through the day with only one regular staff member taken ill.
Return of the undead horde...tables overturned, staff mutilated, business wrecked. Send help!
Steaked took out their frustrations on a group of travelling nature lovers...with guest chef Horkon Heartripper spicing up the dishes, Steaked stuffed them so much that five of them ended up in hospital to loosen their stomachs.
Steaked narrowly clipped the wings of the Condor pro chef team in the cooking competition by finding the ingredients for the unusual dishes in the nick of time. Assistant chef d'maitre Julienned was instrumental in scouring the cellar for these.
A late rush of patrons saw the overworked Steaked crumble beneath the onslaught to only end up with mediocre takings for the day.
Fricasseed was finally forced out by a coup de grace orchestrated by his assistant Filleted. Hiring the Chaos Dwarf Mob by promising them free dishes, he watched in horror as the unruly gang smashed the head chef up...and everyone else unlucky enough to be in the kitchen with him, finishing off by dropping the kitchen sink on his neck.
A charmed day for the staff as everything went pretty smoothly. Even troublesome patrons were knocked out of the park early by the extra pizazz.
The battle-scarred Steaked staff held on grimly to secure yet another hard fought favourable review in the Southern Wastes Food Guide. The highlight of the day was the reviewer ordering the rare dessert Double Delight and rating it 5/5. This was the first time in 31 weeks that someone had tried the dessert.
The hot streak continued as Steaked's new head chef proved his fitness for the position by slicing and dicing the opposition. To cap a remarkable day, Marinaded demonstrated his new training by serving a 16 course meal in record time.
Newly promoted waiter Marinaded avoided a crippling knee injury as Steaked wrapped up a remarkable day attempting mostly to get rid of one very persistent and finicky customer by the name of Lothario. 6 hours he sat on the best corner table, refusing to budge until finally he was thrown bodily out near closing time. Filleted continued to live up to his name, carving out morsels from the delectable stray Wood Elves to serve as appetisers.
Steaked's top streak in the Southern Wastes Food Guide was ended by a stupendous Stu's Stews as they served bowl after bowl of really hearty yet delicious stew that just kept wowing everyone. The defeat was sealed by the forced retirement of veteran valet Soused by a gang of thugs.
Steaked eked out a hard fought victory in the head to head cooking competition against the Chaotic Graders. Filling in for Chef Chavo's team, the Graders put Steaked's staff through their paces, with several dropping out from exhaustion, most notably headwaiter Grilled. Filleted stepped up to the occasion however and defeated his opposition in the crucial dishes.
A terrible end to the season as Steaked's staff ended up with yet more chronic diseases. Notably speedy waiter Marinaded could not take the demands placed upon him by stout hungry customers and ended up aggravating his pre existing back injury.
SWL Season LXII
The primetime season started horribly as the overworked and exhausted Steaked staff simply fell apart after the loss of the head chef to an angry connoisseur early in the day.
The tightest of wins with guest chef Eldril Sidewinder starring. Using his hypnotic charm to distract the competing restaurant's guards while sexy waitress Deglazed filched the secret recipe from an unwitting chef, surreptitiously handing it off to head chef Filleted for the not-so-clean getaway.
This time Eldril was not so lucky and got himself killed while trying to pull the same thing on perennial nemeses Wana Warriors. That early death coupled with the inability of Steaked's staff to cope with the late rush of frazzled diners meant a narrow loss in the rankings. There was one piece of good news though. Rookie kitchenhand Puréed showed his amazing dexterity after some training.
Head chef Filleted once again showed his chops as he singlehandedly guided Steaked to a titillating draw in the faceoff against veteran Lizard restaurant the Slumbering Skinks. Resorting to everything including acrobatic knifework and the ole butchery of the opposing team's ingredients, the spectators were treated to the most entertaining face off yet.
The most infuriating game.
Grumpsh back on form.
Old enemy tries to get revenge but fails.
SWL Season LXIII
Intertribal warfare resulted in a hard fought victory over cross town rivals Jinxed Jesters, who in their inimitable style took revenge by killing rookie waiter Toasted and kneecapping head waiter Grilled, who required some drastic medical intervention to reduce the severity of his injuries. Head chef Filleted required bed rest after that session and so Steaked are left without two of their key players for the upcoming bouts...
Strange scenes in the storm as mishap after mishap characterized Steaked's inability to work properly under the influence of the weather.
Conversely the bright sun seemed to make Steaked invulnerable to pressure as the guest chef worked some of his fiery magic in the kitchen to cook up a triumphant feast for the senses.
Steaked didn't fare so well in the rain as a flood of mishaps and accidents drowned the staff's chances of coping , capped off by head waiter Grilled picking up yet another chronic injury to seal a miserable day.
Rival restaraunt bloodsuckers come out bloody as Steaked successfully turns the day around after a few paid rowdy patrons stun most of the staff with some vintage on the ball service.
Previous experience with a plague of rats came in handy this time as Steaked managed to curtail the little vermin from doing too much damage, with the sole exception of Blanched, who took one for the team.
Steaked were on top form today as they effortlessly demolished the Elvis themed outfit. Blue suede shoes were stepped on again and again, driving them to heartbreak hotel all shook up, where they eventually became lonesome that night,as one by one they made their separate ways.
SWL Season LXIV
Steaked brought out their finest duck dishes as their brilliant but fragile El Rele Zite finally managed adequate security and safety precautions for their personnel to rake in equal plaudits from the critics. Fast rising waiter Boned though was not so happy as he encountered the overspill from Rele Zite's security and pulled his hamstring.
Steaked required a stern talking-to at lunchtime as head waiter Grilled led by example and hunted down some abnormally large rats that kept fleeing terrified from him but not before snatching the ball from the rest of the team who had let themselves become complacent after watching Grilled's rat wrenching performance. The rest of the team finally stopped dropping the ball and pulled themselves together enough to save dinner from the rats (though they did dine on ratsteak for their earlier misdemeanours)
Filleted's patented sleight of hand flummoxed the judges so much that they sent the dish back to the kitchen for a do-over, citing "illegal dish preparation". The team needed a scapegoat, and the hammer of doom fell upon the veteran scrubber and slicer Exfoliated. However the dish itself was judged excellent, with a judge commenting that the jelly balls were simply sublime and "melted in your mouth with various aftertastes" that slipped away before being fully grasped. It was enough to once again defeat the stolid and safe Fun Police, without Eldril's help this time.
Lizards wizards in kitchen. Skinks new rats?
Lizard PTSD continues. Skinks confirmed worse than rats. Rookie kitchenhand Simmered dies of shock.
Delves delving in the devilish day.
SWL Season LXV
Orcs. Busting down the door, killing the headwaiter, and making off with all the takings while everyone runs for the hills. With star kneecapper Olgrot Bolgrot leading the way.
The classic elf-off between two crosstown rivals was a signature competition between who could make their dish the elfiest. Unfortunately for the Mexicans, fastest waiter alive Marinaded decided today was the day to show off his chops and wowed the reviewers with the speed of his service.
The chef formerly known as Grumpsh was not on form, may have been affected by recent changes. Shock treatment was a great help in recovering. In the end the judges could not decide in the confusion and a tie was the result.
Average day, with the staffs of both restaurants choosing to just phone it in, especially Filleted, who when face-to-face with El Rel Ezite's steward with a mysterious package decided not to pursue the matter further and let him get away with murder...delicious murder.
Persnickety Dwarven Gourmet gives bad reviews to Steaked, restaurant universally panned for not being good enough, staff demoralized.
Demoralized staff all take the day off, especially rookie kitchenhand Battered, who smashed an 1842 Chateau Roussillon whilst serving and then bungled the bill calculations so badly that the offended patron went off and smashed up the kitchen staff. The loss of deft kitchenhand Pureed bodes ill for the establishment...
Steaked come back strong with a good win over Premier rookies Striking Thunder Beards. It started off poorly, with a few of Steaked's staff still suffering the aftereffects of the Lizardly beating, but made their owner proud as they shook it off and took it to the Dwarves, with some help from several own goals struck by the Dwarves' beard hair being found in dishes and suffering low scores as a result.
Bob Borc Cup
A couple of rave reviews and street cred earned by their past hard work gave Steaked a restful bye in the first round of the first ever Southern Wastes Culinary Cup. Plenty of rocks were thrown and staff groans as teams failed to deliver the upsets.
Bad day for the Disney girls as they seemed more interested in moaning and groaning than competing that day.
SWL Season LXVI
Rough toughs from the 'hood couldn't faze Steaked, who had faced even worse abominations and lived. A few traps here, some foot trips there, and Steaked were off to a good start.
The rats that came after were wise to Steaked's tricks though and Skimmed vowed revenge after they maimed him horribly in getting to the goodies. In the end, it was a draw, with Steaked managing to get a few of the rats before they made away with the goodies, but the full destruction eluded them.
Fellow restaurateurs and gourmands New World Winers and Diners had a shaky start to the competition but did enough highs to level out the lows and in the end the honours were equally shared. Head Chef Filleted was left exhausted by the rollercoaster ride and took to his bed for much needed rest.
This time the rats were back for vengeance and boy did they get it. Office rats, wily and seasoned, countering every move made to get rid of them and more...
Run for your lives! A new undead uprising saw the restaurant smashed yet again, Owner jevouse having to dig deep to replenish his losses...with fastest headwaiter Marinaded being one of the keenly felt casualties.
Seething for vengeance after the last disaster, Steaked took it all out -and more- on their first customers after the renovation. The knives, the kitchen sink, the chopping block...everything went into the blender on this one, and very few customers made it back unscathed (but stuffed to the gills).
Being exhausted from the blood frenzy that overtook them, Steaked simply fell over when the customer's cousins came looking for revenge for both them and the drubbing that Steaked had delivered to them against all odds. Waiter Butterflied gave his life to defend Skimmed from their horrible clutches. Overall, a terrible season after the unexpected triumph in the special cooking competition.
SWL Season LXVII
It quickly became apparent that the failings of last season were not yet shaken off, as Coddled yet again managed to screw up two desserts' finishing touches and handed the dratted High Elven Sentinels their first win in the regular cook-off. However the team's response to the terrible defeat was encouraging, with Bunched's bouncer training under Skimmed paying off.
Steaked easily handled the frightened onslaught of Skaven emerging from under the restaurant, seemingly being chased by some bigger and nastier force...
A bunch of Amazon housewives with sharp carving knives! Sadly they were not much cop at dealing with real men who could cook with knives of their own.
Rowdy chaos ruffians tore up the place and the staff but that didn't stop Steaked from pulling in the diners.
After Filleted's death by superior kitchen knife skills from those vegans in Port Macquarie, the team fell to pieces and could afford no organized resistance to their leafy cuisine.
A bit of roughhousing and deliberate food spoilage could not stop Steaked's solid cuisine from overcoming the malodorous brutes of Madness Mountain Misery, whom took a rather negative approach to the competition. It wasn't all truffles and caviar though, as veteran waitress Strained overstrained herself fending off their amorous advances and had to do away with another portion of her already skimpy garments for good.
Invaders from the Frozen South made off with the food after conjuring a freeze on Steaked's already tired staff. Some frozen staff were broken in the attempt to recover the goods.
SWL Season LXVIII
Rookie head chef Flayed couldn't cope with the strain of directing the restaurant and was soon carried off for a rest cure. The rest of the team, lacking direction, was soon disorganized and dispirited, with several members of the team following Flayed off and the rest unable to cook simple dishes effectively.
A tribe of rowdy Amazonian housewives descended upon the restaurant today eager to get a glimpse of the secrets of Steaked. They were fended off, but only just.
Frazzled by their last encounter, Steaked badly needed a rest but were forced to contend with their fierce crosstown rivals in the Jaegers. Tired and fatigued, the team broke down and simple tasks were left undone, letting the Jaegers score an easy victory.
The Revolutionaries of Redgum attempted to live up to their name and revolutionize the restaurant business, however, without certain fundamental basics their revolution soon turned upon itself and Steaked picked up the remains.
Steaked eagerly set upon a lizard hunting expedition hearing that there was a nearby migration of a pretty young pack happening, in view of the trouble Lizards caused them over the years. They caught a couple of fledglings and were successful in scaring them away from the area.
There was no 2nd BBC. nope, definitely not, case closed.
SWL Season LXIX
The bones...they moan and groan...they lash out of the broth pots and kill Steaked staff...or frighten them into killing themselves...farewell Head Chef Flayed and Senior Waiter Bunched, we knew ye well.
New head chef Hacked showed his inexperience by serving some subpar dishes after knocking out the first segment (read: competitor's crew) of the cooking competition, leading to High Elvis making a surprise comeback victory and showing the power of consistency.
The revolutionaries paid yet another visit to Steaked as they struggled to get their new campaign going. The staff firmly denied their revolutionary ideas and calmly watched them rack up the bill in the process, finally ushering them out near closing time.
SWL Season LXX