Location: The Deserted Isles Team Name: Brockian Brown Bandits Stadium: The Pan-Dimensional Calculatron Stadium Surface: Silicon and Copper
Colors: Green and Red Sponsor: Brockian Travel Towels Rivals: Cold Rock
PRESENTING THE BROCKIAN BROWN BANDITS
This Skaven team are the physical projections into this dimension of a race of superintelligent pan-dimensional beings who ordered construction of the planet to discover the Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Turns out the answer is winning Blood Bowl games in DIBBL and the SWL. Thus, they are the most intelligent life form on the planet, contrary to what other races think.
In their home dimension, a popular pastime is Brockian Ultra-Blood Bowl, an awfully violent game which involves hitting people for no readily apparent reason and then running away, before apologizing from some distance – often through a megaphone. Consequently upon discovering actual Blood Bowl in this dimension, they have taken to it like fish to water, especially the bit about not apologising afterwards.
TROPHIES AND ACHIEVEMENTS
SWL SEASON LXXX
2nd Place in the DAN ROLLINS REGIONAL LXXX Division.
Most Passing Yards per Completions at 4.7
Frankie Mouse with the teams first Twahnlow for most blocks in Regionals.
Frankie Mouse voted into the LXXX Rising Stars team.
TEAM & PLAYER RACES
Explore the multitude of fascinating races that Frankie and Benjy have imported pan-dimensionally for your Blood Bowl enjoyment.
Flaybooz are small, gerbil-like creatures. Though flaybooz have no ears, they are extremely sensitive to vibration and can actually explode in extreme circumstances. Thor, the Asgardian and sometime rock god, held the record for spontaneous flaybooz detonation when he debuted his new tune “You Wanna Get Hammered?” from a chariot in orbit around Sqornshellous Delta. The record had previously been held by intergalactic rock stars Disaster Area, who dropped a speaker bomb into a volcano crater where the flaybooz were enjoying a static electricity festival.
Contrary to an almost universal norm, it is the male flaybooz who nurtures the young. A full-grown flaybooz can fit up to fifty young in his pouch, but generally there is only room for a couple, as males like to carry around a small tool kit in case of emergencies, maybe a few beers, and a copy of Furballs Quarterly.
They are sentient beings that live on planet Magrathea. In the past during the time of the Galactic Empire, they created and sold custom-built planets to rich customers.
The most notable Magrathean is a planetary architect named Slartibartfast, who impressed the mice so much that they have recruited him to run plays on their Blood Bowl team.
The best way to pick a fight with a Silastic Armourfiend was just to be born. They didn't like it, they got resentful. And when an Armourfiend got resentful, someone got hurt. An exhausting way of life, one might think, but they did seem to have an awful lot of energy.
The Silastic Armourfiends were an insanely aggressive race who lived on the planet Striterax approximately twenty billion years ago "when the universe was young". They were extremely keen on fighting – one of the best ways to deal with a Silastic Armourfiend was to lock him in a room by himself, since he would beat himself up sooner or later. They wrecked the surface of their planet in constant wars, and the whole population lived within bunkers deep below the surface.
In an attempt to deal with the problems their violent nature created, the Silastic Armourfiends passed a law that anybody who had to carry a weapon as part of their normal work (including policemen, security guards and primary school teachers) must spend a minimum of 45 minutes each day punching a sack of potatoes. It was hoped that this would allow them to work off their surplus aggression. This plan worked only until someone had the idea to simply shoot the potatoes (leading to the shooting of many things), and the Silastic Armourfiends were excited about their "first war for weeks."
During one of their more unpleasant wars, the Silastic Armourfiends asked the great computer Hactar to design the ultimate weapon for them. When Hactar asked what they meant by "ultimate", they responded "Read a bloody dictionary" before jumping back into the fray. The computer complied, creating a hand-held bomb which would connect the core of every major sun via hyperspace, destroying the entire universe. The Silastic Armourfiends attempted to use the bomb to blow up a munitions dump, but fortunately Hactar, shocked by the idea (the first to be able to do so) and unable to conceive of any occasion when the use of the real thing would be justified, introduced a small flaw in the weapon to prevent it from going off, hoping it would be glossed over after sober reflection. The Silastic Armourfiends disagreed with this reasoning, and pulverised Hactar, before thinking better of it and destroying the faulty bomb as well.
Eventually, after smashing the hell out of the Strenuous Garfighters of Stug and the Strangulous Stilletans of Jajazikstak, the Silastic Armourfiends found an entirely new way of blowing themselves up, which was of great relief to the Garfighters, the Stilletans, and the potatoes
An enemy of the Silastic Armourfiends of Striterax, this strange and war-like race inhabit the planet of Jajazikstak. They were pretty much wiped out by the Silastics in a massive intergalactic conflict.
Yet another enemy of the Silastic Armourfiends of Striterax, the mysterious and militant Garfighters hail from the legendary planet of Stug.... which is in no way connected the German Armoured Fighting Vehicle of the same name, even though it could be, what with all the pan-dimensionality going on around here at the moment.
Lamuellans are a humanoid race from the planet Lamuella. It is on this planet that a passenger starship crashes, and Arthur Dent is the only survivor. There he becomes the planet's Sandwich Maker. The Lamuellans are led, more or less, by Old Thrashbarg, the tribe's priest to Almighty Bob. Other residents of the village include Kirp, a fisher, Grarp the Baker, Strinder the Tool Maker, and Drimple the Sandwich Maker's apprentice. The planet is also home to Perfectly Normal Beasts and Pikka Birds.
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a vicious wild animal from the planet of Traal, known for its never-ending hunger and its mind-boggling stupidity.
One of the main features of the Beast is that if you can't see it, it assumes it can't see you. Due to this it has been considered one of the least intelligent creatures in the Universe.
The Bugblatter Beast of Traal can turn its eyes turn red, green, and a sort of mauvy pink, and it is said to have a cranial spigot. It asks its victims their names before killing them, and carves the names on a memorial outside its cave.
The Beast is described (by those who have seen it and lived) as having "Lazero-Zap" eyes, "Swivel Shear teeth", several dozen tungsten-carbide "Vast-Pain claws", skin like a motorway, and breath like a 747 jet.
JOIN BENJY AND FRANKIE FOR PRESEASON INTERVIEWS AND INDEPTH PLAYER ANALYSIS
FRANKIE: Welcome Blood Bowl fans to the preseason breakdown of the Brockian Brown Bandits! BENJY: And today we'll be looking hard into the team dynamics and what will be expected of two of the players on the team roster. F: The obvious starting point is soon-to-be-star playmaker Slartibartfast. B: That's right Frankie. It's not cheap to pan-dimensionally summon an avatar of such a supreme architect... F: No, it's not Benjy. B: So there'll be more than a little pressure for him to come out of the blocks firing. F: For sure. The fans, and of course us as player-coaches.... B: and owners Frankie. F: Yes... As player-coach-owners, we will be hoping for big plays and bigger throws from the debutant generalissimo. B: And then there is our very own Flaybooz. F: Thor Junior. B: Yes indeed Franky. Thor Junior. F: Now there is a player who has overcome enormous handicaps just to take the field. B: Indeed Frankie. Rumour has it that his father was none other than Thor the Asgardian Rock God who still holds the galactic record for spontaneous Flaybooz detonation. F: Absoloutely Benjy. The story goes that after the sonic massacre there was one sole survivor, a Flayboozian female who found herself inexplicably impregnated. B: An immaculate conception Frankie! F: A true miracle Benjy. B: One of many miracles that day Frankie. Even more of a miracle is that Thor Junior survived! F: That's right. It's a little known quirk of nature that Flaybooz babies are raised by their fathers... B: So when his mother immediately abandoned him there were certainly no surprises! F: But of course, Benjy, this has produced a player with the incredible rage and drive that only the insecurities caused by a lack of ones mothers love can instil. B: And frankly, Frankie, his agonised screaming and heart-rendering sobs will thrill the stadium crowd and home audience alike. F: As long as he gets the job done Benjy. B: Yes Frankie. As long as he gets the job done. F: And that's about all we've got time for today sports fans. B: But join us next time when we discuss another Brockian Bandit hero-to-be. F: We'll be taking an in depth look into the rise of Jon the Silastic Armourfiend of Striterax, and the reason he was chosen to be dragged kicking and screaming into this dimensional plane. B: So until then, thank you Frankie. F: Thank you Benjy. B: And thank you sports fans for tuning into this preseason look at the Brockian Brown Bandits! F: See you next time!
FRANKIE: Welcome back sports fans! BENJY: And Brockian Brown Bandit supporters! F: Of course Benjy, and Brockian Bandit supporters too. B: Naturally Frankie. F: Today we're going to meet a real monster in training. B: A fiend if you will. F: Indeed Benjy. An Armourfiend. B: Not just any Armourfiend though Frankie. F: No. A genuine Silastic Armourfiend of Striterax. B: Named Jon! F: That's right Benjy. Jon the Silastic Armourfiend of Striterax! B: No expense has been spared pan dimensionally transferring this future star into an avatar in this dimension. F: And what a rare treat it is Benjy, to have a warrior of his magnitude playing Blood Bowl for our entertainment. B: This insanely aggressive player will be well up for running in touchdown after touchdown. F: And sacking the opposition ball carrier too! B: Jon has survived twenty billion years sheltering in underground bunkers beneath the ruined surface of his planet. F: That's right Benjy, so he's well ready to stretch his legs. B: And to stretch the opposition defensive line Frankie. F: And of course as the sole known survivor of his race, there are no female Silasticans to distract him the night before the big match. B: Indeed Frankie, not that we'd have been inclined to spend the money to pan dimensionally transfer in a bit of crumpet for his pre-match pleasure anyway. F: Of course not Benjy. That would cost a fortune we could spend on other players. B: And speaking of other players.... F: Nice segue Benjy. B: Thank you Frankie. And speaking of other players, tune in next time for an in-depth look at a couple more members of our pan dimensionally imported squad. F: Will it be the Stillians or the Garfighters we look at Benjy? B: Why not both Frankie? F: Indeed Benjy. Why not both... See you next time sports fans! B See you next time!
FRANKIE: Hello and welcome Bandit fans! BENJY: And Blood Bowl enthusiasts! I'm Benjy. F: And I'm Frankie. B: And together we own, coach and play for..... F: The Brockian Brown Bandits! B: A pan-dimensionally imported team of soon to be epic proportions. F: Indeed Benjy. And in today's preseason press conference we'll be taking a good hard look at two good, hard players. B: Absolutely Frankie. And first up is Dave the Strangulous Stilletian of Jajazikstak! F: What's not to like about this pan-dimensional import Benjy? B: Well Frankie, I'll tell you who doesn't like him... Jon the Silastic Armourfiend, who, along with the rest of his warrior race, nearly wiped out the entirety of the population of planet Jajazikstak. F: It's true Benjy. They can't stand each other. And that's going to lead to an on field rivalry that can only push each of the players onto bigger and better things. B: That's right Frankie. What could be better than outscoring and outperforming someone who is responsible for the systematic and calculated destruction of your entire planet in a serious of horrific wars? F: Is the answer having your friends and loved ones waiting for you back at home on your completely unravaged planet? B: No Frankie.... The answer is nothing. There's nothing better than scoring more touchdowns than the homicidal maniac that took part in the horrific genocide that wiped out nearly your entire race. F: Well I wouldn't know anything about that Benjy. B: Just go with it Frankie. F: Of course there's nothing better Benjy. B: So Dave will be well up for a season of one-ups-man-ship playing on the same team as his eternal foe. F: Hopefully he remembers to take it out on the opposition Benjy, and not his own teammate. B: I'm sure they'll do it for the love of the game Frankie! F: And speaking about love for the game, let's take a sneak peak at another of our sensational pan-dimensional transfer targets. B: Lovely segue there Frankie. F: Thank you Benjy. B: You're welcome. And a giant welcome to a soon to be giant of the game... F: Pete the Strenuous Garfighter of Stug! B: Like most of the squad he's got talent to burn, and guess what else he has in common with a number of the other players? F: Oh! Oh! Don't tell me Benjy! B: I wasn't going to Frankie. I was expecting you to follow the script. F: Oh! Oh! Is it that he is also the last remaining member of his entire race! B: That's exactly right Frankie! And another of the races wiped out in bloodthirsty combat with.... F: The Silastic Armourfiends of Striterax!? B: Right again Frankie! F: The tension is almost to much to bear! B: Well hopefully Frankie, it'll be the opposition that breaks under the strain of all that rage and animosity. F: I guess if worst comes to worst we can always just pan-dimensionally summon their eternal spirits back to replace their broken avatars. B: Exactly Frankie. Exactly. F: So Brown Bandit fans, that's all we've time for this conference. B: But join us next time for a look at the more expendable members of the squad. F: Lamuellans, Benjy? B: Lamuellans, Frankie. F: Brilliant! We'll see you then! B: Until next time!
FRANKIE: Hey ho Bandit fans! BENJY: Welcome to another interview with us, the team owners. F: And coaches. B: And star players. F: But we're not here today to talk about Benjy and me. B: Indeed not Frankie. We're here to discuss the workhorses of our team. F: The poor boys who take the bumps, get their licks and then get asked to go back out there and put there bodies on the line.... of scrimmage. B: Yes. The Lamuellans. The followers of Almighty Bob. F: On a side note, they absolutely refuse to recognise Nuffle as a god, such is their fear of Almighty Bob. B: That being the case there's not much point giving them anything to do other than hit and get hit. F: For sure, Benjy. Anything else would be a bonus. Those poor Lamuellans are simply in the team just to take a hiding and protect the more important positional players. B: Lambs to the slaughter, Frankie. F: Indeed Benjy. If it wasn't such an amazing game, and their sacrifice such a necessity, I might almost feel guilty about it. B: Not me Frankie. F: No. I know not you Benjy. B: I must admit to not having much more to say about the topic Frankie. F: No. Me neither Benjy. B: Shall we talk about the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal Frankie? F: Can we afford to pan-dimensionally import one yet? B: No. Sadly we can't. F: In that case, what's the point Benjy? B: Yes. Maybe you're right. F: On that note, that's all we have time for Bandit fans! B: Yes. A short interview today, but join us next time when we talk about the most important positionals. F: Absolutely Benjy. You and me, the team blitzers. B: Looking forward to it already. F: Me too Benjy. See you Blood Bowl fans! B: Bye bye!
BENJY: Welcome Blood Bowl fans. FRANKIE: And Brown Bandit fans alike. B: Welcome to a very special interview with us, the owners, coaches and star players of the Brockian Brown Bandits. F: So... how are we going to work this Benjy? Just ask each other questions? B: I thought maybe we'd just talk about ourselves Frankie. F: Works for me! B: Shall I begin, or do you want to kick off Frankie? F: After you, please. B: Well. This is a bit awkward. I don't know where to start. F: Why don't you try telling them about our work before we became famous Blood Bowlers. B: Ahhh.. yes. So before we pan-dimensionally summoned ourselves to this dimension we were in the business of.... um.... F: Seeking answers Benjy. B: Yeah. Maybe we should just skip over that whole thing Frankie. F: Oh. Yeah. Maybe.... Well. What about our love of Brockian Ultra-Cricket? B: Probably not great to confuse everyone between the two games. F: Hmmm... perhaps not. B: What about the intricate and extremely scientific process of pan-dimensional avatar materialisation Frankie? F: I'm not at all sure I understand it myself to be honest Benjy. B: I feel completely underprepared for this. F: Yeah. Me too. B: Well that's all we've got time for today, Bandit fans! F: See you next time! B: By the Great Green Arkleseizure! F: If the team hear that we'll never live it down... B: Have you cut the transmission Frankie? F: Oh, for fuc...
TRAIL OF FIRE POST MATCH INTERVIEWS
2-2 DRAW VS LictorZ'sGriffindoom
BENJY: Well Brockian Brown Bandit Fans.... that was...ugly. FRANKIE:But it was a result Benjy B: You'll have to speak up Frankie. You sound very far away. F:Thats because I'm dead Benjy, and you haven't pan-dimensionally imported me a new avatar yet. B: Ahhhh... yes... but did you see my touchdown? F:No. I missed it. Had a faceful of grass at the time. B: Unfortunate. But not as unfortunate as our Dave ended up. F:Yes, he got pretty broken. I don't think we'll be seeing him on the park next game. B: That's right Frankie. Nor Pete the Strenuous Garfighter either. His avatar is a little worse for wear. F:But not as invalided as Grarp the Lamuellan Baker. B: Nope. I can still hear his knee popping when I close my eyes. F:On the bright side we managed a draw. B: And took enough money to replace your avatar Frankie. F:Well thank the Great Green Arkleseizure for that Benjy. B: Indeed Frankie. Although, I am a bit disappointed we won't be pan-dimensionally summoning in a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal for the next game. F:You and me both Benjy. B: The good news is that playmaker Slartibartfast put in a man of the match performance, as we were expecting of him. FHe was sublime out there Benjy, doing all that was asked of him and more! B: Old Thrashbarg the Lamuellan really impressed as well, standing up to the opposition big boy a few times. F:Yeah. Before he was knocked clean out and spent the last part of the game snoring in the dugouts B: And poor Strinder the Lamuellan Toolmaker got knocked out twice. F:If casualties were points we'd have won six to nothing! B: Thats a nice positive way of looking at it Frankie. F:Not much choice after that game Benjy. B: Well we learnt a few things Frankie, and we played Blood Bowl. F:Thats true. Blood Bowl was the winner on the day, and that's what matters. B: Too true Frankie. Thanks to the opposition coach Lictorz for a lovely day out and we look forward to the rematch. F:And we look forward to seeing you, Bandit fans, at our next game. B: Until then sportfans! F:Can we hurry up and summon me in please?
1-0 WIN VS Tussock'sDeath to all Biggies
BENJY: Welcome sports fans, and welcome back Frankie! FRANKIE: Thanks Benjy. Well that went a lot better. B: Did it though Frankie? F: What do you mean? We won 1-0, our first ever victory that also qualified us for the Southern Wastes League. B: Sure, it was a victory and sure, there were no casualties, but did we play very well? F: Admittedly it wasn't perfect Benjy, but it was Blood Bowl. B: That it certainly was Frankie, and congratulations to you on scoring your first ever touchdown. F: Yes, rather a good way to show that I'm back from the dead and feeling better than ever. B: Well, that's evident in your winning the Most Value Player award. F: Sponsored by Brockian Travel Towels, for when you need a towel, now. B: Nice plug Frankie. F: Thanks Benjy. B: But still, as player-coach-owners, can we really be that pleased with how we all played? F: Well we would have scored a second touchdown but for a slight tactical error. B: The horrible green things we played against could have scored a touchdown but for a slight tactical error. F: True. B: Slartibartfast never really got going today. He was sacked twice. F: Yeah, but he crushed one of the little green monsters and we still scored, didn't we? B: Those three mercenary rats we hired barely spent any time on the field. F: But they did tie up the opposition big boys and stop them from causing any real harm. B: What about the star player that we hired? He was up to very little. F: Maybe Benjy.... or did he effectively tie up multiple opposition players, taking control of the center of the pitch and allowing us the freedom to play up the wings. B: Perhaps Frankie. Perhaps. F: And what's more is the takings from todays match have enabled us to pan-dimensionally import Drimple tha Sandwich Makers apprentice from Lamuella. B: We look forward to seeing him in action. F: And it won't be long until we do, with our debut game in the Southern Waste League coming up very shortly. B: I'm terribly excited about it Frankie. F: As am I Benjy. And I look forward to see you, Bandit fans, cheering on the team next time. B: See you then Blood Bowl fans!
SOUTHERN WASTES LEAGUE SEASON LXXX POST MATCH INTERVIEWS
SOUTHERN WASTES LEAGUE SEASON LXXXI POST MATCH INTERVIEWS
SOUTHERN WASTES LEAGUE SEASON LXXXII POST MATCH INTERVIEWS
1-1 DRAW VS Wozzaa'sWattlebay Warblers
BENJY: Welcome Blood Bowl fans, I'm here in the changing rooms of the Wattlebay Warblers with the rest of the team and we're unwinding after a hard game. FRANKIE: It's marvelous hospitality they've shown the team and the Bandit supporters, and soon we'll be sampling the delights of the world famous restaurant here. B: Yes, the Robuchon au Dôme. F: A nine course degustation meal, and boy do we deserve it today. B: Yes, after our first ever league game, the boys will be looking to tuck in and play up a bit. So how did you find it out there, Frankie? F: A lot easier than Kirp the Lamuellan did, Benjy. Stone dead after the first block of the first drive. B: Yeah. It was an ugly one alright. I've got him here on the pan-dimension transmitter. F: Kirp?! Can you hear me? How did you find your professional debut? KIRP: By Almighty Bob it hurts! It hurts so much! Please don't pan-dimensionally summon me back. I can't face it. I can't play another of those barbaric games! B: Oh. It's a bit faint there Frankie. Could you make out what he was saying? F: Absoloutely Benjy. He said that he's hurting to get pan-dimensionally summoned back, and that he can't face missing another game. B: He's a trooper alright. F: We seem to have lost him. And here's the Brockian Travel Towels Player of the Day, Drimple the Sandwich Maker's Apprentice. Brockian Travel Towels, for when you have to be dry and you're travelling somewhere. B: Nice plug Frankie. How did you find it out there Drimple? DRIMPLE: It's a far cry from my old job as a sandwich maker's apprentice, I have to admit boss... but it certainly has it's upsides. F: Can you be more specific about those benefits, Drimple? DRIMPLE: Certainly boss. It's the blood pounding in your ears. The crash of body against body. The roar of the crowd and the adulation of the cheerleaders when you have a stirling game. It reminds me of slapping mayonnaise between two slices of sexy, heaving bread. B: Well not exactly what we expecting, but thank you for you input Drimple. DRIMPLE: Pleasure, sir. GO BANDITS! F: Yes, well... calm down there. It was only a draw. Not like we won the game or anything. B: Ah... but Blood Bowl was the winner on the day Frankie. F: That's true Benjy. And speaking of winners, here is Jon. B: Jon you magnificent Silastic Armourfiend. Great touchdown today. JON: Thanks boss. I'm just here to please. And fight. Did you notice how useless all the rest of the runners were? Up to nothing in my opinion. No backbone. No wonder we managed to wipe out almost their entire species.... You know, when I was..... F: And that's the dinner gong. Sorry to interrupt you there Jon. That's all we have time for at the moment. Time to go through to the restaurant. B: Great. I wonder if it'll be as good as that place on Frogstar World B? F: Well I guess we better go and find out Benjy. Thanks for joining us here sports fans. B: See you next time when we see how we'll go against a spanking new Khemri team. F: Bye everybody!
2-0 WIN VS Drop_Bear's Milk Money
DRIMPLE: GO BANDITS! GO BANDITS! GO BANDITS! FRANKIE: Ha! Absolutely Drimple. I'd say to calm down but... f**k it! We won! Bandits won! BENJY: Well done Drimple! That was a huge hit on that Tomb Guardian! Taking him down all by yourself was incredible! DRIMPLE: GO BANDITS! GO BANDITS! GO BANDITS! B: That's right Blood Bowl fans! Welcome to the post match broadcast from here at the Pan-Dimensional Calculatron Stadium. DRIMPLE: LET'S GET PISSED! GO BANDITS! Go Bandits! Go Bandits! F: Meet you in the bar boys! Welcome Brockian Bandit fans! Here we are celebrating the Bandit's first Southern Wastes League win! B: That's right Frankie! And everyone is just in time for the presentation of the Most Valuable Player award. F: Sponsored by Brockian Travel Towels. For when you need a pillow, but don't have one. B: Nice plug Frankie. F: Thanks Benjy. B: And nice game too. It gives me great pleasure to present this to you Frankie. Congratulations. F: Nice segue Benjy. B: Thanks Frankie. F: But I must say, in all honesty, I think there was a player on the team today who deserved it a lot more than I did. B: That's slightly irrelevant Frankie, what with the award being voted on, but... I think I know who you're talking about. F: Jon the Silastic Armorfiend! Come over here Jon! JON: Right Boss! Grats on the award. Wanna wrestle over it? F: Maybe later Jon! But what an amazing game you had! JON: Thanks Boss! Each touchdown I was involved with represented a galactic civilisation my people wiped out back in our dimension. B: For those that didn't see, Jon scored a wonderful touchdown early in the second half, but in my opinion it pales in comparison to his passing assist in the last seconds of the game. JON: Yeah, it was something special, wasn't it Boss? I was a bit worried when I got through my first two dodges... but then I saw one of those other numpties... either the Flaybooz or the Garfighter, had managed to pin down the opposition ball carrier. So I made another dodge and managed to catch up with the Khemri with the pigskin just before he crossed the line. B: It was a beautiful thing, wasn't it Frankie? F: It sure was Benjy. When Jon tossed the ball carrier around like he was a rag doll, I narrowly broke away from one of the Tomb Guardians and got myself in position to score. JON: It wasn't easy, but after I saw that you were in position Boss, I made a few more dodges and flung the ball off. B: You really had to haul ass to get there Frankie, but it was a wonderful touchdown, and the icing on the cake to a very successful day of Blood Bowl. JON: Right! Are we gonna fight, or go and get pissed up? F: You go join the boys in the bar Jon, but congratulations and well done. JON: Thanks Chief. Someones gotta do it. Those other losers don't seem capable of much, except sucking up hits and watching me score. B: Yes. Well. Thanks Jon. I must say though Frankie, you're looking a lot stronger. A lot fitter. This game seems to be treating you very well. F: Rather. Apart from that early case of severe death. But we got over that. B: So you did Frankie. And I've been told by the team apothecary that Grarp the Lamuellan Baker will be back after the next game. F: That is good news Benjy. I saw his hand get mangled... it was ugly. B: And even better news Frankie! We took enough money at the gates to be able to afford to summon back an avatar of Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher. F: Brilliant. Could today get any better?! Lets crank up the pan-dimensional transmitter and give him the good news. B: Just tuning it in now. Ummm... there. And press that... There! Hello. HELLO. KIRP! CAN YOU HEAR ME? KIRP: Oh Almighty Bob! No! What do you want? B: Great news Kirp! Not only did we have our first win today but we made enough to pan-dimensionally summon you back to this planet! KIRP: Please no! Wait! I can't do it! I saw death out there! Please by Almighty Bob just let me alone! B: Oh. You're breaking up there Kirp. Didn't quite make out what you're saying. Did you catch it Frankie? F: Absoloutely Benjy. He said 'Please, now. I can't wait to do it. I'll cause death out there. Please by Almighty Bob just let me! B: Well, lucky we've you here to translate that interdimensional jumble for us. You there Kirp? No? We've lost him. But it's alright Bandit fans because we'll be able to ask him in person after we summon him in this evening. F: And speaking of the evening Benjy, it must be time to wrap this up and join the boys for a well deserved beer in the clubrooms. B: Indeed Frankie. I've pan-dimensionally summoned up quite a thirst. Thank you Bandit fans and see you next time. F: Yes, thank you sports fans, and see you next time when we take on the little green fellows that play for Relezite's Funeral Catering Services! B: Can't wait. See you then everybody!
2-2 DRAW VS Relezite'sFuneral Catering Services
FRANKIE: Welcome Blood Bowl Fans! BENJY: And of course Bandit Fans! F: Of course Benjy! B: We hope you enjoyed today's match as much as we did. F: I never imagined that drawing a game could be such a relief. B: We really were on a hiding to nothing there for a while. F: Speaking of a hiding, poor Dave the Strangulous Stilletan earned himself another serious concussion. B: He didn't even know he was on the Blood Bowl pitch after the hit he took. He was sure he was still on Jajazikstack trying to escape the Armorfiends. F: Hilarious Benjy! B: Indeed Frankie! And speaking of hilarity, Jon the Silastic Armorfiend managed to kill the oppositions best player. F: Yes Benjy, poor little Post Mortum Balloon Animals ended up splattered all over the field after a massive hit from Jon. B: I had the feeling that Jon wouldn't like Balloon Animals. F: Or even know what they were. B: Unfortunately he didn't kill the little bugger before he scored but oh well... he certainly removed that threat... permenantly. F: It certainly had the crowd roaring. B: As did your big hit today Frankie. F: Well it just felt right if you know what I mean Benjy. And speaking of feeling right, here's our MVP for the day, Slartibartfast. F: Brockian Brown Bandit MVP Slartibartfast, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Brockian Travel Towels. F: For when you don't want to see what's coming and have nothing else to cover your eyes. B: What about your hands Frankie? F: Maybe they're soaked in the blood of your Blood Bowl enemies. B: Maybe indeed Frankie. SLARTIBARTFAST: *ahem* B: Congratulations Slartibartfast. SLARTIBARTFAST: Thank you Coach... coaches... say.. is there a cash bonus with this... you see... I quite fancy a bit of a holiday... you know... maybe see the Fjords.... I designed them you know... won a few awards for .... F: Sadly thats all we've got time for today. B: Yes, absolutely Frankie. We've taken enough money to pan-dimensionally summon a new avatar for Dave the Strangulous Stilletan. F: Brilliant. That should get rid of those terrible headaches he's been having. B: Yes. Wonderful. And speaking of headaches, next week we have Morning Breakfast Cereal. F: But not the delicious eating kind. B: No... the horrible elfy kind that are going to dodge and jump and leap and generally make a nuisance of themselves on the pitch. F: We'll be happy with a draw I'd say Benjy. B: True Frankie, but what will our supporters be happy with. F: Good point Benjy. And we'll see you all at our next game. B: See you Brockian Bandit Fans! F: Bye! SLARTIBARTFAST: So...about that cash bonu...
3-3 DRAW VS Wex'sMorning Breakfast Cereal
FRANKIE: Welcome Brockian Bandit Fans! BENJY: And of course Blood Bowl Fans! F: Yes, of course Benjy! B: Thank you for tuning in to our post match interview, and what a match it was. F: Not only did it rain touchdowns, but it near rained blood! B: Breakfast Cereal were down to star players within seconds... both stone dead! F: One of them was smashed by our backfield general, Slartibartfast. B: And the other ended up dead on the end of the boot of Old Thrashbarg the Lemuellan. F: Old Trashbarg had a blinder. He even broke their mercenary. What a waste of money! B: And he smashed the knee of Flaxweed, one of their linesmen. F: He really did play well, didn't he? B: Still, don't you feel like we might have won the game? F: Well we didn't Benjy. We drew... so... no. B: Fair enough Frankie. F: And speaking of fair, todays fairest and best award... B: Sponsered by Brockian Travel Towels... F: Useful in hand to hand combat... B: But only if there's no war crimes tribunal.... F: And only if you wet the tip.... B: Goes to.... drumroll please... F: Just get on with it Benjy B: Right. Sorry. Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher! F: Come up here Kirp! B: Congratulations. How do you feel? KIRP: Like I've been kidnapped from my own dimension and forced to play in incredibly barbaric games where not even death is a release from the constant pain. F: That's wonderful! B: And that's all we've got time for today folks! KIRP: Please! For the love of Almighty Bob, someone help me! They won't let me go home to my family! F: Quickly! Cut the transmission! B: Get him out of here! Ahh... Ha ha ha... very funny Kirp. A real sense of humour this one! KIRP: They're madmen! Or rats! Or monsters! I don't know but help me! Someone pleas.... F: Really Benjy!? You can operate a pan-dimension avatar transubstantiator and an improbability drive but you can't turn off a Cabalvision transmitter!? KIRP: PLEASE! Please help me! They make me do such terrible things! B: What by the Great Green Arkleseizure is going on? Why won't this fuc....
3-1 WIN VS Sergtacos'Bloody Sphynxes
FRANKIE: Welcome Sports Fans! BENJY: And of course all Brockian Brown Bandit Fans! F: Yes, of course Benjy! DRIMPLE: GO BANDITS! GO BANDITS! B: Ahhh... Drimple. He gets so excited after a win! F: I'm surprised he has the energy to celebrate like that after his game today. B: Absolutely Frankie. He spent the whole match getting tossed around like a rag doll. F: He really stood up to the opposition Bloaters today. I was well impressed. B: So was I. I think. I managed to spend the second half unconcious in the dugout. F: Which was a shame Benjy, because that was when the magic happened. B: Really?! We had a wizard? F: No Benjy. I think we still probably want to get your head checked out. No wizard. Just terrible luck for the Nurgle team which our boys really capitalised on. B: Looking at the score Nuffle must really have abandoned them. F: Like he seems to have abandoned poor Dave. B: He really doesn't have much luck out there does he? F: No Benjy. He once again was removed from the field, even though it looks like there will be no lasting effects. B: Apart from a lingering fear of gang fouls. F: Ha! Yes... probably Benjy. B: Poor Grarp got monstered by their beast too. F: Yeah. And then spent the whole of the half time break pretending he was knocked out so he didn't have to go back out on the field. B: Kirp got knocked out too. Thats about the last thing I remember. F: Well it was just after that that our Pete pulled off a stunning play. He sacked their Pestigor ball carrier, scooped up the ball, shrugged off a tackle and scored. Just as I was helping Old Thrashbarg into the dugout. He got knocked out too. B: Who? Pete? F: No. Old Thrashbarg. B: Right. That makes sense. F: Pretty difficult to score when you're unconcious Benjy. B: Maybe I do need to see an apothecary Frankie. F: Are you feeling alright? B: I feel fine. Good even. F: Well speaking of good, its my honour Benjy, to present to you... the Brockian Travel Towel Most Valuable Player award. B: Really!? Thats wonderful! Brockian Travel Towels make a wonderful substitute for an amazing array of everyday items. Such as mattresses. F: Good plug Benjy. Maybe we should lay some down in the dugout. B: Maybe Frankie. But back to the game. What happened next? F: After Pete's wonderful touchdown, obviously you were in no state to take the field. And Grarp and Kirp were pretending to be unconcious. But Old Thrashbarg manned up and we lined up against the horrible Nurgle team once again. B: Even though I know the result this is still terribly exciting Frankie. What next? F: We kicked off and the diseased minions of Nurgle bore down on us. We hit them hard in defense on the left flank and Drimple managed to pull down one of their nasty Bloaters giving me a clear shot on the ball carrier. One big hit later and the ball spilt free. Thor Jr showed his turn of speed and gathering up the boar-skin, he shot off towards the opposition endzone. B: Wonderful! And that was that? F: Not quite Benjy. That was when the opposition decided they would rather fight than actually compete. A cheap shot from one of the Pestigors and suddenly I was at the bottom of a five man stomping. Luckily the ref split it up and sent one of them off the field. Thor Jr stalled just before their endzone, taunting their players and fans alike. Thats when I smashed that Pestigor. Felt him break too... but sadly they tell me he managed to shake off the injury after the game. B: That really is a shame Frankie. F: It really was Benjy. There was a bit more scrapping with the ref sending off another of their nasty little players, but then Thor Jr crossed the line and that was it! They had time to kick off before the full time whistle. I managed to get Kirp and Grarp back on the field but of course Kirp was immediately knocked out. B: I'm beginning to wonder if the line of scrimmage is the right place for him Frankie. F: Of course it is Benjy. It's exactly where he belongs. B: You're right Frankie. I don't know what I was thinking. F: I got one last hit in before the ref called the game. A three to one victory that I'm sure Brown Bandit supporters will enjoy for a while yet. B: A beautiful thing Frankie. Thank you for joining us Sports Fans! We look forward to seeing you next week when we take on... Who are we playing next week Frankie? F: Humans Benjy! The Haunted All-Sorts. From Orcs Bay over in the Deserted Isles. B: They'll be no pushovers, that's for certain. F: Exciting stuff. See you next week Bandit Fans! B: Great! See you then!
2-1 WIN VS Nebula753'sHaunted All-Sorts
DRIMPLE: GO BANDITS! Raaaawlllgggh! BENJY: By the Great Green Arkleseizure! FRANKIE: Have you ever seen so much vomit in your life? B: No Frankie. I really haven't. And such a peculiar green colour! F: Maybe you should get that head knock checked out Drimple. DRIMPLE: Yeah. Sorry about that boss. B: It's no problem Drimple. And well done out there today. Stellar performance. DRIMPLE: Thanks boss. I feel dizzy... really fuc.... F: And speaking of stellar performances... B: Welcome to this weeks post match interviews Bandit Fans! F: Yes. Welcome. And a big win for us this week. 2-1 over the filthy Humies from Orcs Bay. B: And this win has put us in a great position coming into the last game of the season. F: That's right Benjy. We're playing the first placed team, and we're right behind them. B: Indeed Frankie. It's a winner takes all final round and I could'nt be prouder of the boys in their debut season. F: Well you sure showed them how it's done today Benjy. Leading from the front and hitting hard. First drive you took out that opposition Blitzer so hard... I thought you killed him. B: Shame I didn't Frankie. F: Shame their apocethary managed to get him back on the field. B: He wasn't the only one either Frankie. F: No he wasn't Benjy. And I think it's an absolute disgrace to the great name of the Blood Bowl Apocethary Association that the multiple apocetharies that were on the opposition team were both sober, and competent. B: Completely unacceptable Frankie. F: Indeed Benjy. B: Now where were we Frankie? F: I was congratulating you on your big hits today Benjy. B: Well let me be the first to congratulate you Frankie, on winning the Brockian Brown Bandit Most Valuable Player Award. F: Bought to you by Brockian Travel Towels. B: When you need to corral a Perfectly Normal Beast, and only have a Pikka Bird and a fearsome sense of existential dread. F: Thanks Benjy. B: You're welcome Frankie. And also thank you to Pete and Dave today, both scoring sensational touchdowns and showing the rest of the team how its done. B: And of course Jon the Silastic Armorfiend for a wonderful pass assist. F: And all our Lamuellan boys for soaking up hit after hit without breaking.... too badly. B: Poor Kirp.... he went down with a groin strain and will miss our final. F: And the strange thing is he doesn't seem all that upset about it. B: Well they are a strange lot those Lamuellans. Only the Almighty Bob knows what they're thinking. F: Maybe Benjy. Maybe.... Well all credit to the Haunted All-Sorts who mounted a comeback of sorts in the second half. B: That's right Frankie. It was close... but those early hits put them to far behind to claw back. F: The season is in our hands and I can almost taste the top of the table Benjy. B: I want it so bad Frankie. F: Me too Benjy. B: *ahem*Well Bandit Fans... next game we go for the big win in our debut season. Join us and cheer us on and hopefully we'll bring the glory home! F: Until then Blood Bowl Fans! Wish us luck! B: We don't need luck Frankie. What we need is a team rejig. Sneak a couple of big names on the field. F: In that case we're gonna need to sack the apocethary. And maybe a few other things need to change. B: If I could skim off about 100k then we'll be looking pretty. F: As long as the commissioners don't get wind of it. Is that thing turned off? B: Oh! For fuc...
1-1 DRAW VS Rabid_Bogscum'sCold Rock
FRANKIE: Well Benjy. That'll teach us to disrupt the team unity by bringing in outsiders. BENJY: I don't know Frankie. I thought that everyone contributed well today.... and it was close. F: Soooo close. B: So close I can still taste it. F: I thought just for one second... just one second that we had it there Benjy. B: I thought we had it the whole game Frankie. F: So anyway. Welcome Blood Bowl fans. B: And Brockian Brown Bandit fans too. F: Yes. Welcome to the final postmatch interview of Southern Wastes League Season LXXX! B: Even though we let victory slip from our fingers today, and only managed a one all draw.... F: We are still very proud that the team finished up in the top of the table and can only wait and see where the other results will put us. B: Hopefully up to the Conference Frankie. F: Hopefully Benjy. B: I personally, as co-owner, co-coach and co-star player, am also very proud to have co-led the team to an undefeated season. F: As am I Benjy. B: Today the Cold Rock Lizards came storming out of the blocks, knocking Lemulleans left right and center. F: But then Glart Smashrip Jr put in a huge hit, taking one of the Saurii out of the game and from then one I felt we were in control. B: Shame the Cold Rock Lizards didn't realise that Frankie. F: Poor Thor Jr took a bad tumble early on chasing their ball carrier. B: Bad tumble might be the understatement of the year Frankie! He broke his own neck! F: Yeah, but at the end of the day we made enough money to pan-dimensionally summon him back. B: Then Pete got smashed by a Saurus and was out for the rest of the game. F: But not before we put enough pressure on the Lizards that they lost the ball. B: Yeah but they quickly regathered and went for the line. F: Thats when they broke Glart Smashrips jaw. B: Yeah... that wasn't so great. F: But then we managed to corner the ball carrier and really put the hurt on him. B: Shame their apocethary was able to patch him up. F: We really must write a letter to the union about all these sober and capable apocetharies the opposition teams seem to be employing. B: We really should Frankie. Remind me. It's quite unacceptable. F: Yes. It is. Remind me in the off season. Anyway. That was half time. 0-0 and the league title to play for. B: So Cold Rock kicked off and that's when we managed to link-up on the left hand flank and really take it to them. F: Did you see me smash that Skink? B: Did I! I was right behind you! F: It was pretty light work clearing a path through the opposition. B: And with a beautiful pass from Slartibartfast, Jon the Silastic Armorfiend was through and scored. F: 1-0 Bandits. B: If only it stayed that way. F: I thought when they knocked the ball on from a short kick off we had it, but they surfed Jon into the crowd and regathered. B: With the clock ticking down they were a sure thing to score, but in a desperate last defensive move Dave crossed the entire width of the field to sack the ball carrier. F: I think if I hadn't tripped I might have been able to pin him down. B: Still... don't blame yourself. It was a sensational tackle from Dave. F: But Brockian Travel Towel Player of the Day Award. B: For when you don't lose the game, but still need something to wipe up those 'what could have been' tears. F: Goes to.... B: Old Trashbarg. F: Really?! B: Apparently so. F: Hmmm... B: Oh well. We'll know soon enough whether we have been promoted. F: What an exquisitely exciting prospect. B: So until next season Bandit Fans. F: Thanks for all your support! B: And all your cheers! See you next season.
2-2 DRAW VS ArthurWynne'sLoec's Loggers
FRANKIE: Welcome Blood Bowl fans. BENJY: And Brockian Brown Bandit fans. F: Here we are, promoted and playing in the Sothern Wastes League Hunting Crocs Conference! B: The team is looking good, fired up after our first game against some filthy elves. F: Indeed Benjy, the boys looked excellent out there and nearly pulled off a good win. B: Absolutely Frankie, it was only a mistake in positioning and some filthy, filthy elf play that snatched the draw from what should have been our glorious victory. F: Maybe if I'd been able to wind down the clock a little longer.... B: Don't blame yourself Frankie. Judging by the opposition coachs display of hatred for you I'd say you're beginning to develop a fine reputation for yourself. F: Maybe Benjy, but not as fine a reputation as Brockian Travel Towels. B: Ah.. yes... Brockian Travel Towels. For when you can't wait to wipe the stinking Elf blood off your arms and uniform. F: Todays Brockian Travel Towel Most Valuable Player award goes to... Slartibartfast. B: And well deserved it is too. F: Indeed Benjy. B: And speaking of well deserved, congratulations Frankie on being voted into the Season LXXX Rising Stars team, and for your Bronze Shield for most blocks in the season. F: Thank you Benjy. It's a nice shield. SLARTIBARTFAST: *ahem* B: Ahhhh. Slartibartfast, here's your embroided Brockian Travel Towel. Congratulations. SLARTIBARTFAST: Ah. Yes. Well. Thank you... I guess. I've been meaning to ask. You know. About the cash bonus that comes with the award. You see.... F: You're welcome. And speaking of cash, we took enough at the gates today to pan-dimensionally summon back the avatar of Kirp the Lamuellan Fisher! SLARTIBARTFAST: Yes. Well. It's just... I thought that I would have been able to take that holiday I was talking about in the off season and well.... B: I'm just trying to get a hold of Kirp now, on the pan-dimensional transmitter... Sorry Slartibartfast, I can't hear you over the static. SLARTIBARTFAST: It's just I was very keen on visiting the Norse fjords.... F: Can you hear us Kirp?! We just wanted to thank you for a job well done on the field today. The way you blocked that Wood Elfs knee with your head, skull and brains was really an inspiration to the rest of the team. SLARTIBARTFAST: I designed them you know.... *sigh* B: That's right Kirp. Between you and poor old Trashbarg.... I think the opposition made a number of mistakes today for the simple fact they were distracted by all your blood and guts in their eyes. KIRP: Almighty Bob! Please! What did I ever do to deserve this! F: It was your selfless blocking Kirp! You deserve all the praise coming your way! B: And good news! We'll be pan-dimensionally summoning you back in tonight! You'll be starting lineup again next game! F: Next game Bandit Fans! Against the Trondhiem Hammers, a Norse team with just a stunning amount of casualties to their name! KIRP: Oh! *sob* Please Almighty Bob! *sniffle* Don't let them do it to me again. Help me! Why won't they stop?! SLARTIBARTFAST: Oh.. for The Great Green Arklesiezure's sake! You think you've got problems. I might lose the deposit on my trip up north if I don't get my.... B: Oooops! You're breaking up there Kirp! And that's all we've got time for today folks. F: Shame, I would have loved to talk about Jon the Silastic Armorfiends amazing touchdown. B: But there'll be plenty more of those for people to see! See you next week Bandit fans! F: See you then Sports fans!
2-0 LOSS VS BigMac666'sTrondheim Hammers
BENJY: Err.. Welcome. FRANKIE: Yeah. Do you think there's anyone still tuned in? B: After that debarcle Frankie? I doubt it. F: Hmmm. Yeah. It was ugly wasn't it Benjy? B: Revolting even. F: Do we even bother with an MVP? B: I think we're contractually obliged. F: You have it then. B: I guess I was one of the few players that wasn't on the sideline, broken. F: Yeah... so.. ummm.. Brockian Travel Towel Player of the Match goes to... B: *sigh* Me. F: Congratulations Benjy. B: Don't bother Frankie. F: You'd think that's what we said to the team before the game Benjy. B: It really was awful. F: Did we actually do anything out there today? B: Slartibartfast threw the ball once. F: Wow. B: Kirp got knocked out and would'nt come back on. F: No surprises there then. B: No. F: Hmmm... B: Who have we got next week? F: Chaos Dwarves. B: Oh. F: Remember the Reggies Benjy? B: I do Frankie. I do. F: They were the happy times weren't they? B: They really were Frankie. F: C'mon Benjy. Lets go have a beer.
2-1 LOSS VS Daudy'sNexus of Fate
BENJY: Welcome Blood Bowl Fans! FRANKIE: And Brockian Brown Bandit supporters! B: That was a slightly better performance than last week. F: Slightly. B: A 2-1 loss which really did leave us wondering what could have been. F: Oh well. It's over now and we need to push on and improve next week. B: Who's up next week? F: Orcs. B: Oh. F: On the positive side of things Jon the Silastic Armorfiend scored a lovely touchdown. B: Indeed Frankie. And Slartibartfast threw a couple of nice passes. F: And Kirp even managed to stay on the field the entire game. B: Unlike Old Thrashbarg... they broke him as soon as the whistle went. F: They did indeed Benjy. B: But back to that touchdown Frankie. F: Yes Benjy, it was enough for us to award Jon... the Brockian Travel Towel Player of the Match award. B: Congratulations Jon. This embroidered Travel Towel is bought to you by Brockian Travel Towels. F: Brockian Travel Towels... 'Used for a variety of wet balls.' B: Indeed Frankie. F: Indeed Benjy. B: That's enough on this game, lets get to the club rooms and look at tactics for next week. F: And maybe sink a few beers Benjy. B: Definitely sink a few beers Frankie. F: Thanks for tuning in Bandit Fans! B: See you next week, same rat time, same rat channel.
1-1 DRAW VS Tomay's[adult swim]
BENJY: Welcome Bandit Fans! FRANKIE: And sports lovers everywhere. B: That was a much more enjoyable game... F: A tense 1-1 draw against a big burly Orc team. B: Thoroughly enjoyable Frankie. And an acceptable scoreline too. F: Yes.. a fair reflection of the game I'd say. B: Poor Thor Jr got broken. F: Yes. Badly broken. B: And of course Kirp got knocked out. F: Yes. And then spent the rest of the game pretending he was unconcious. B: I wonder about him sometimes. F: The good news though Benjy... B: Ah yes! The good news Frankie! F: Which is....? B: Well, we made so much on the gate takings today that, well, brace yourselves, instead of pan-dimensionally replacing Thor Jr and Old Thrashbargs broken avatars... I summoned in a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. F: That is exciting. B: It really is Frankie. F: I can't wait to see it in action. B: You've only got to wait until next week Frankie. F: And who do we have. B: Elves. F: Hmmmm... B: Oh! And before I forget Frankie. F: Yes? B: Todays Brockian Travel Towel Player of the Match award... F: For when you need an extra big blindfold... B: Goes to you Frankie. Congratulations. F: Again? Hah. It's getting to the point now where people might start thinking its rigged. B: Ummm... yeah.. anyways... see you next week Bandit Fans! F: Did I say something wrong Benj...
2-2 DRAW VS Tussock'sAmateur Professionals
FRANKIE: Hello Bandit Fans! BENJY: And welcome to our post match conference after round five. F: Today we played the highly rated 'Amateur Professionals'. B: What a bizarre name. F: Indeed Benjy. The High Elves recieved from the kick off and came out of the blocks fighting. B: They sure did Frankie. In the first seconds they had sent Dave and Kirp into the dugouts unconcious. F: A handling error gave us the chance to pounce on the ball, but when Pete tried to gather it up he found himself in an awkward position and had to leave the field badly hurt. B: Then Grarp was knocked out, they recovered the ball and suddenly there were only seven of us left playing against their full team. F: I was just starting to panic when I got a lovely hit on one of their catchers, taking him out of the game. B: About when we rushed their thrower, an athletic freak that just seems to dance around the field. F: They were odds on to score, but then they decided to do the strangest thing. They stalled. B: Well... their Blitzer had just killed Old Thrashbarg, so I suspect they were thinking they might take out the rest of us. F: Well, that was their first mistake Benjy. Don't corner a pandimensionally summoned rat. B: Indeed Frankie. Their first class thrower panicked when he saw Frankie and me coming at him so he decided to run. F: Peg up the casualty to the Orcidas salesman Benjy, because he slipped on Old Thrashbargs flattened corpse and took such a tumble that he didn't come back on for the rest of the game. It was hilarious. B: I could watch that happen all day Frankie. F: May the Great Green Arklesiezure keep Old Thrashbarg in his Great Green Bosom for all eternity. B: Absolutely Frankie. F: Strinder left the field next, unconcious, but I felt like the tide of the scrum was turning. B: If only we'd turned our attention to stopping them scoring. F: That's when Slartibartfast went feral. B: First he smashed down an opposition linemen that was trying to tag team him with the enemy blitzer. F: Then he killed that enemy blitzer dead with a stone cold shoulder charge. B: That's when I smelt their fear Frankie. F: I could tell, when you added one of their linemen to the casualty dugout. B: What can I say, Frankie. It felt good. F: The referee tried to send of Drimple for fouling their remaining blitzer. I don't know what Drimple said to him, but he managed to talk him around and was able to come back on the field for the next drive. B: Thats when the Elves dropped lip and scored. F: Probably just to regroup before the second half. B: Unfortunately we could only field 5 players for our attacking drive. F: It only lasted a minute but the Blatterbeast managed to knock out one of their lineman. B: Unfortunately thats about all it did on its debut. F: We recieved after half time and the tides had turned. Seven of us against the six of them, and thats when you almost immediately knocked out their blitzer, followed by breaking one of their two remaining catchers. B: When it goes well it goes well. F: Except when it doesn't. Slartibartfast fumbled his pass and the Elves gathered and raced for the line. B: That's when I killed their last catcher. F: It was a beautiful hit Benjy. B: The Elves scored again, and we were two-nil down. But they only had three players able to stand. F: Dave caught the kick-off, handed the ball to Jon the Silastic Armorfiend, who promptly scored. B: That easy. F: It is against three Elves Benjy. B: Indeed Frankie. F: Sadly on the next drive, one of their blitzers recovered, so it was only ten of us against.... four of them. B: Their blizter took the kick-off and managed to smash straight through our lines, nearly making it into the endzone before Jon took him down and gathered the ball. F: Jon was heavily tackled but Dave managed to gather it up and get the ball away to Slartibartfast who then raced all the way to score. B: It finished two all. F: What might have been eh? B: Thats right Frankie. F: And speaking of what's right, it gives me great pleasure to present you Benjy, with the Brockian Travel Towel Most Valuable Player Award, for an absolutely outstanding game. B: Brockian Travel Towels. For when nothing else can mop up all that Elf blood. F: Congratulations Benjy. B: Thanks Frankie. And thank you Brockian Bandit Fans! F: See you next week when we take on the first placed Meeami DeadFins. B: See you then. Yuck. Undead. Digusti...
1-2 LOSS VS exefokker'sMeeami DeadFins
BENJY: Heya Blood Bowl Fans! FRANKIE: And Brockian Brown Bandit Fans! B: Today we took on the Meeami DeadFins, an Undead team full of smelly rotten deadies. F: They won the coin toss, displaying the luck that would serve them well all day. B: And of course chose to recieve the kick off. F: So... we kicked off. B: Typically, Kirp was almost immediately off the pitch, badly hurt. F: The deadies began their relentless march down the field. B: We could only get in a few hits, darting out from behind the linerats and then scurrying back to safety. F: Those undead are hard to kill. B: They scored a lot earlier than we expected, but you knocked out a mummy that didn't get back up for the next drive. F: Which didn't really help us when Slartibartfast decided to play hot potato with the ball right on the LOS. B: Yeah it was pretty ugly. F: The opposition blitzer managed to emerge from the scrum and make a break for the line, but... he was run down by Strinder the Lamuellan Tool Maker. B: It was a great tackle Frankie! F: Indeed Benjy! B: We managed to recover the ball and have a snipe at the line, but never made it in time. So we went into halftime 1-0 down. F: The spooks kick off to us, charging after the kick like the monsters they are. B: They actually sacked Dave right at our endzone, but he managed to get up and recover the ball after Jon and Frankie covered him. F: Then he got gang tackled by three ghouls, who stole the ball, but thats when you came to the rescue Benjy, seriously injuring the ghoul carrying the ball and putting Dave through. B: Yep, thats right Frankie. He shot the gap and offloaded to Jon who scored. F: 1-1 with a minute to go. We kicked off to the undead. B: Whether the dozy deadies were slow to start, or we were extra buzzed but we managed to blitz their line and get runners in the backfield. F: Pete caught the bouncing ball and attempted to pass it to Jon, who was odds on to score. B: And he titted the pass. F: Of course he did Benjy. B: Why wouldn't he Frankie? F: And then of course, one of those foul ghouls pulls off play of the day, scooping up the pill and sending it spiralling way, way down field into the waiting arms of one of his foul teammates. B: It's so pointless. I don't even know if I can be bothered giving away the player of the day award. F: *You won it Benjy* B: And so it gives me great pleasure today to announce the Brockian Travel Towel Player of the Match Award. F: Brockian Travel Towels. For when you just can't be bothered using a regular non-travelling towel. B: Goes to me... F: Congratulations Benjy. Congratulations on winning the MVP award in a 2-1 loss. B: 2-1. F: Loss. B: Why? Why didn't Pete just hold onto it. F: We'll see you next week for the final game of the season. Will we put our first win on the board and save ourselves from relegation. Or will we go winless and back down to the soft, squishy regionals. B: If he'd just held it. F: There, there Benjy. See you Bandit Fans! B: What's wrong with these idiots?! Why don't they want to win ga....
2-0 WIN VS Bojoaph'sVittra Vixens
BENJY: Welcome Blood Bowl fans! FRANKIE: And Brockian Brown Bandit fans too! B: if we have any left.... F: Now now Benjy.... Thanks for tuning in sportfans. Tonight we took on the Vittra Vixens. B: A tough pack of broads, more at home at the bottom of a scrum than in the kitchen. F: We chose to receive the ball, which was our first opportunity to attack off the bat in a while. B: Looking for the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal to have a big game, we took up our positions on the line of scrimmage. F: You were on song from the kick-off, knocking out a girls left, right and center. B: You'd have been alright if you hadn't run headfirst into that chainsaw. F: Ha! Yes. They kept me on the bottom of a ruck alright. B: Then Strinder got a pinched nerve, I was getting worried it was going to be another thrashing. F: Jon managed to scoop up the ball, but decided to hang back as there was a massive brawl happening in the middle of the pitch. B: They kept you pinned to the ground, just trying to get you with that chainsaw! F: Jon made a feint up the right wing, but had to retreat, and then of course Kirp left the field badly hurt. B: Kirp.... F: Then the chainsaw kicked back and took out Helmut and I was back in the game. B: Jon took his chance to shoot down the left wing, being shielded by Pete and Dave. F: I managed to get up and knock out one of the blitzers. B: And I got one of the lines...women? But it was Jon flinging one of the girls into the stands that made me feel comfortable that we had the drive. F: Then I smashed that womans ankle. The snap silenced the away bleachers. B: And that silence was broken when Jon went over to score. F: It was great. B: It really was Frankie. F: We lined up for the second half,only nine of us and ten of them after that massive brawl. B: But Drimple immediately evened the numbers, badly hurting one of the girls. F: We managed to pressure the ball, which was still loose, and they titsed it up. B: Possession changed a few times, and Pete was badly hurt. F: I got knocked out cold around here. B: That was when Dave made a huge pressure tackle and managed to strip the ball, with Jon sweeping in under the noses of three Amazons to scoop up the ball and go for the line. F: They nearly got him, but at the last minute he was away to score. 2-0 win! B: 2-0 win! And finally a result to brag about. F: Great way to end the season. B: And news has come in that we will remain in the Conference division next season. F: Lets pop some champagne! B: Speaking of champagne, the Brockian Travel Towel Award for Most Valuable Player goes to.... F: Jon the Silastic Armorfiend! B: Scoring a brace and smashing girls in the face! Congratulations Jon... and well played. F: Well thats the season Benjy... at least we didn't finish last place. B: True. But if we had it would have been back down to the Regionals, and all the soft, easy to hurt teams that dwell down there. F: Absolutely Benjy. B: And with that Bandit fans.... we'll see you next season. F: Stay safe till then. I'm sure nothing strange will happen. B: Strange? Like what Frankie? F: I don't know Benjy... like a global pandemic that locks down the world. B: That's a bit unlikely don't you think Fran.....
1-2 LOSS VS Yasmir'sMalice Renegades
BENJY: Welcome back Bandit Fans! FRANKIE: Ready for another season in the SWL Conference? B: Because we are. And we'll be looking to really push it and improve on last seasons placing. F: Maybe even make Prem eh Benjy? B: Lets not go too far Frankie. F: Why not? Stranger things have happened. B: True. Like a devastating global pandemic. F: Exactly Benjy. B: You really hit the nail on the head with that prediction Frankie. F: I sure did Benjy. And what with us being pandimensionally substantiated avatars of dirty, diseased rats.... well maybe the oppositions nervousness will be what gives us the edge in this upcoming season. B: Except it didn't seem to worry the crowd today. F: No. Bastards. Why weren't they all in lockdown. B: Anyway. Today we came up against the Malice Renegades. F: I would have thought we had a fighting chance until the kickoff happened. We were all looking at the ball. B: When we should have been looking at the crowd. F: That's right Benjy. They surged on the field at kickoff and for some reason just beat us up. B: A real hostile bunch those Malice supporters. F: Or were they disgruntled Bandit fans? B: As if there was such a thing Frankie. F: Well, in any case, we dusted ourselves off, broke their line and Dave was open in their endzone. B: Slartibartfast handed off to Jon, who fluffed the pass. We lost possession. F: Kirp got knocked out. B: And the Renegades bashed their way down field to score. F: I slapped Kirp until he decided he wasn't unconscious anymore and we took the field again. B: And can you believe it Bandit Fans!? The bastards stormed the pitch again. F: It was a disaster. B: Next thing, while Jon was busy securing the ball, and we were all in a scrum in the center pitch, Kirp tried to get out of playing by dying! F: The nerve of him! B: Exactly Frankie. F: Disgraceful behaviour Benjy! B: Jon managed to hand off to Dave, who dodged past the opposition and scored. F: Old Thrashbarg went off unconscious. B: And speaking of disgraceful The Bugblatter Beast went off knocked out as well. F: But he came around for the second half Benjy. B: Had me laughing out loud. What a waste of money he was. F: When that Troll splattered him all over the place at the start of the second half... well.... lets just say that's one unwilling creature that we won't be pandimensionally summoning back in. B: No way Frankie. F: Then it was just a relentless march by the opposition down field. B: Pete knocked out their Troll with the boot. F: But got banned. B: Was worth it though. F: Drimple knocked himself out, and Dave got a pinched nerve. B: Sadly we won't be seeing him next game. F: And then they scored. All in all a humdrum 2-1 loss and a very unconvincing performance. B: Hopefully next week you'll see us in better form. Thanks for joining us. F: What about the MVP Benjy? B: Slartibartfast got it and I can't be bothered with all the questions about money. F: Fair enough Benjy... he can get fuc...
1-1 DRAW VS JamesDSF'sFlack Ork Flockers
BENJY: Howdy Brockian Brown Bandit Fans! FRANKIE: Welcome to another post-match interview, with us, the team owners. B: And coaches. F: And star players. B: Today we took on the Flack Ork Flockers. F: A bunch of sheep farmers with delusions of grandeur I suspect. B: We were looking a bit worse for wear roster wise, after last week. F: That's right Benjy. But what we lacked in numbers we made up for in tenacity. B: Too true Frankie. F: Poor old Strinder snapped his ankle almost immediately after we recieved the kick-off. B: But you avenged him by gouging out the eye of one of the Black Orc Blockers. F: Yeah. That was satisfying. B: Then I seriously concussed that Blitzer. He didn't know whether he was coming or going. F: Yep. That was satisfying too. B: Then Slartibartfast let himself get sacked, but Pete and Jon tag-teamed the Blitzer that stole the ball and recovered it. F: Poor Pete. B: Indeed Frankie. F: Jon held it in the backfield while we tussled on the line of scrimmage, trying to open a gap. B: And then he put a lovely through ball off to you, and you were away. F: A quick pop pass to Pete... and one nil. B: Poor Pete. F: Immediately after we kicked to them in the second half, Old Thrashbarg was knocked out. B: And of course Kirp. F: Pete sacked the ball carrier and Jon managed to gather it deep inside their half. B: But somehow their Blitzers got to Jon and knocked him out too. F: Pete nearly won us the game then, dodging through but stumbling in the endzone and losing the ball. B: Thats when you got knocked out. F: Yep, just as they regathered the ball. B: Slartibartfast actually made a tackle, and they lost the ball again. F: That's what I was told afterwards. B: We must've sacked the ball carrier 3 or 4 times, but with only five of us on the field we could never capitalise. F: Thats when that horrible little goblin fouled Pete. B: Yep, and the apocethary was far too drunk to save him. F: Poor Pete. B: Indeed Frankie. F: So nothing to be done, it ended 1-1. B: Probably a rough indicator of the game. We were unlucky. F: Speaking of unlucky, the Brockian Travel Towel Most Valuable Player of the Match goes to.... B: You Frankie! F: Delightful! Thanks everyone for your votes. B: Indeed. Join us next week when we take on the Skye Hoppers! F: A Slann team with a lot to prove after their first two outings. B: See you then Bandit Fans!
4-0 WIN VS JoeKano'sSkye Hoppers!
2-2 DRAW VS DanteMordicain'sBun Dead
0-4 LOSS VS BigMac666'sTrondheim Hammers
2-1 WIN VS Klazam'sBlood Crag Stipes
1-1 DRAW VS Balle2000'sDidgeridead
TOWELS FOR THE TOWEL GODS
“…it has great practical value – you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you – daft as a bush, but very, very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”
Conceding v Goblins/...
[L] Skaven
Griffindoom