Now, which other league on FUMBBL gives you a glorious exit from the league? Even if you rage quit, throw your arms up in disgust or just flat out retire you will still become immortal in the KPL. You story engraved on the sand stones of woe for all time, or until the sand of the desert rubs the etched words to nothing and then your memory fades away in the sand.
These are the previous coaches of the KPL and their tales of woe as they are dispatched with much malice and hate by Tomb King Settra the Imperishable.
The sun rises in the east over Khemri City. A new day, a new dawn and a new hope. The loyal citizens of Khemri are greeted by the head of wheelchairguy on a spike on the front battlement of Settra's palace.
"Bring him forth!"
wheelchairguy is dragged by Settra's royal guard and dropped in front of his throne. He looks up to Settra with pleading eyes.
"Coach Azure approach the throne."
Coach Azure, surrounded by his throng of assistant coaches, approaches the throne of Settra.
"Azure, your glory and fame has reached my ears. I have invited you to join the ranks of the KPL to further your glory and fame. You have honored me by coming to Khemri and guiding a team to glory."
Settra approaches Azure from his golden throne. He pulls out his two handed sword and gives it to Azure.
"Azure, you will have the honor of banishing wheelchairguy from the KPL. His dishonor has offended all the people of Khemri. Raise the blade and send this vagabond to the underworld were he will suffer a hell of a thousand suns."
Azure takes the sword but he has a look of distress upon his face.
"My King I jumped at the chance to guide a team in the KPL. A team that will rise to the top and claim VICTORY over all of Khemri. But I am no headsman, I hold no malice to wheelchairguy. I must insist that the honor will be all yours when you dispatch him."
Azure and his assistant coaches take a knee and bow their heads to Settra. Settra gives Azure a penetrating gaze. No wonder I like this coach so much. He knows the "lay of the land" and can determine ones next move. Settra takes the sword from Azures hand and approaches wheelchariguy.
"My King I have sinned. I am a drunkard, a defiler of virgins and a gambler. I meant no disrespect to you or Khemri, I am a loyal subject and dedicated coach, when I am not drunk. Spare me my King, I will prove that I am worthy."
Settra looks over at Rah-ma. Rah-ma closes his eyes and concentrates on wheelchariguy. After a few moments Rah-ma opens his eyes and then bows his head to Settra.
"No! my King I will not let you down. I am loyal and a man of Khemri."
The Kings guard grabs wheelchairguy by the back of his neck and prostrate him before Settra.
"wheelchairguy you have brought dishonor on yourself and your team. The only justice is DEATH. Not just of you but of your team. Your team will be enslaved by the house of Settra and serve 1000 years under the whip."
Settra brings down his two handed sword and decapitates wheelchairguy in one clean blow. His head rolls down the steps and comes to rest 14 feet away.
"Impale his head on a spike and show it to the masses on the palace gates until after the KPL Championship."
Settra turns and kicks the body of wheelchariguy, spits on him and then sits on his throne.
"Azure come forth! "
Azure and his assistant coaches prostrate themselves before the King.
"Azure, may glory and riches follow you. I give you the head coach job of a KPL team. I know you will not let me down and guide your team to glory and fame."
The sun rises in the East, a new day, a new dawn. The citizens of Khemri awaken and start shuffling around. They are greeted by a grizzly site at the city gate.
has been crucified and left on the side of the road on the way into the city. The carrion have already made a morning meal of him. Soon the scarab beetles will emerge and finish him off.
Tomb King Settra stands on his balcony overlooking the city. He is extremely angry and looking to string up some more coaches. He will line the road from Khemri to Ka-Sabar with crucifixes if needed.
The door opens up and Rah-Ma comes shuffling in.
"My King the pm's have been sent out."
"Will probably fall on deaf ears with most of that sorry lot of coaches. It is time Rah-Ma to cull the ranks after Wed."
Settra spits on the ground and starts brooding on who will be his next victim.
Settra sits on his golden throne in deep conversation with Rah-Ma over the state of affairs of the KPL. The double door to the throne room crashes open. The sound of mail marching on the marble stones echoes off the walls. Settra looks up and then a smile crosses his face.
Four Tomb Guardians are carrying coach Spasma and dragging him into the throne room. They throw him down before the dais. His head hits the marble stairs. Two teeth go flying and the sound of a nose breaking ring out in the silent throne room.
Settra stands up and walks slowly down the dais. Stands over coach Spasma and reaches down with his gauntlet hand and picks his head off the marble floor by his hair. Arches his head back and looks into his eyes.
Spasma is moaning in pain, his mind is in a fog. But his eyes get wide when he looks into Settra's eyes.
"No my King. I tried, I really did. I upheld the honor of the KPL to the best of my ability."
"Your ability was found lacking coach Spasma."
Settra back hand slaps Spasma across the face. 3 more teeth go flying. A stream of crimson blood gushes out from his mouth in a spray of gore. Spasma's eyes roll and he collapses in a heap at Settras feet.
"Take him to the dungeon. I got something special lined up for this one."
"My King we are still searching for the others on your list. They have gone under rocks, word is some are attempting to flee Khemri."
"If the Royal guard does not have enough men for the search draw men from the regulars. Scour the city and then fan out to all of Khemri. I want those coaches heads."
Settra looks down at Spasma. Spits on his forehead and then walks back up to his throne. His penetrating gaze follows the Tomb Guardians as they drag Spasma to the dungeons.
Lahmian Lycanthropes &
Lahmia Crimson Moons
Settra stands in the middle of the intersection taking in the sounds of battle. Embers from burning buildings fall all around him. In the street the bodies of men, women and children are strewn all over the cobblestone streets. His 4 captains stand around him, giving orders to sergeants. Behind them a scorpion is being dragged by some slaves into position down the street.
Settra looks down at one of the men dead in the street. He is a mercenary from the north. He scans his badge, it is the Sons of the Hammer. A renegade merc unit from the Empire. Low down and men of no honor. No wonder they left their homeland. One of the buildings finally surrenders to the flames and comes crashing down. Sending embers and flames all over the street.
"My King we have finally surrounded them and pushed them into merchants square at the end of the street. The men on the front line say they are huddled up in the stone building on the far side, the coin changers shop. We are pressing them as we speak."
"Very good captain. Send out the word that I want Araznaroth
taken alive if possible. If they are men of honor they will die with sword in hand and face me. Follow me captains, lets end this once and for all."
Settra and his entourage of Captains and Tomb Guardians move at a brisk pace down the street. Citizens of Khemri are fleeing for their lives. Merchants are running with their wares on their backs, trying to salvage anything from the path of destruction their King has brought down on their heads.
Settra enters the merchants square and witnesses the battle at hand. The Sons of the Hammer are surrounded on all sides. They number around 200 left. A scorpion to his right lets out a bolt and it crashes into the stone building across the square. Hits the reinforced door and cracks it frame. Another Scorpion lets out another bolt and the window on the second floor explodes in rubble and debris. A archer crashes to the ground out of the hole that is now smouldering with flame.
Settra advances with his guard, joining in with the 2nd Heavy infantry that are pressing the Sons of the Hammer. Settra loses himself in mortal combat. All thoughts leave his mind as he focuses on what he does best, leading men in battle. Settra wades into the north men. He is a juggernaut of death and destruction, all fall before his mighty sceptre, all who face him die. The infantry seeing their king in the middle of the fray double their efforts and the carnage is immense.
Ten minutes late all the Sons of the Hammer are laid low. Body parts litter the square, the cries of the mortally wounded are heard and then snuffed. Some of the infantry are already mounting their heads on pikes. Settra scans the scene and is pleased. His mind though comes back into focus when a battle cry is heard. The remains of the front door to the coin changers shop burst open. The remaining Sons of the Hammer come charging out in a glorious display of battle lust, desperation and the desire to die with a sword in hand, Settra's respect for them goes up 2 notches.
Leading the charge is coach Araznaroth, his wicked double bladed battle axe lifted on high. He brings it down and 2 of the infantrymen crumble to bone in front of him. He front kicks another man to the ground and his axe crashes down into his skeletal rib cage and shatters him in half. He lets out a might war cry and points to Settra and then charges.
They meet in the middle of the square. Axe against sceptre, sparks are flying, they circle each other in the dance of combat and death. Araznaroth charges in swings his might axe, Settra sidesteps the blow and sparks fly off his thigh guard as the axes deflects off of it. Settra wheels around with a mighty blow and catches him square in the back with his mighty sceptre. Bones crack, blood flies out of his mouth. Araznaroth is laid low. He is crawling for his axe just out of reach. Then a large foot comes down between Araznaroth and his axe. The foot pushes the axe closer to his hand. Araznaroth looks up and sees Settra standing over him, sceptre raised on high.
"Thank you my King, you have honored me."
Araznaroth grabs the axe and attempts a feeble swing at Settra. But before he can connect the world goes black. Settras mighty sceptre crashes through his helm and reduces his head to pudding.
"My King we have captured Positronmike, he was sulking in the corner and attempted to make a mad dash to safety."
"Bring him forth."
Positronmike is dragged through the blood and gore. His hands bound behind his back. The Tomb Guards throw him at the feet of Settra. Positron rolls over and spits a luggie at the feet of Settra.
"You still defy me Positron. You knew what would happen if you failed me."
"To HELL with you Settra. KPL is bush league man. This league stinks."
Settra looks down at this feeble and weak coach. Turns to his captain
"Crucify him in the square. Put all the heads of the Sons on spikes and ring them around him. Do not kill him, I want him to suffer."
An hour later Settra leaves the square. Buildings still on fire. Carnage all around. Huddled in a mass are some citizens of Khemri wailing and screaming to the old Gods to end this suffering, this pain and the horror.
Positronmike is crucified on a 10 foot cross. All around him are hundred of heads on spikes. The body parts of the fallen are all stacked up in a bloody mess around the cross. Positronmike is left to suffer for days as the flies, carrion and scarabs have a feast of his henchmen. On the third day "he" finally comes for Positronmike. A sceptre is scene hovering in the square and approaches Positronmike. His death cries could be heard all over Khemri. In the 4th plane of Hell his scream announces his arrival with the Lord of the 4th plane.
When will the culling of the KPL end?
...Three days earlier on the outskirts of Khemri city in a village the Bedouin are getting in some practice time. When coach sees the players are all looking back at the city. Black smoke is billowing from the merchant quarters. Coach WhatBall gets an uneasy feeling as he sees people fleeing through the front gate, troops storming into the city.
"Ok guys, pack up your gear. We are not far enough way yet."
The last the locals see of the Bedouin is their backs as they force march over a dune and disappear into the sunset.
Khemri Dust Tigers
It was a clear and sunny day as the ship left port. Robocoyote
had made it, finally getting out of the land of insanity know as Khemri. Found a captain willing to take him to the coast of Tilea and drop him off as they headed to Lustria.
A few hours later Khemri dipped behind the horizon and he settles in his cabin. What a relief to leave the KPL behind him. All night long he partied with the crew below deck, drinking until he passed out in his cabin, he is free.
In the morning Robo wakes up and it seems the ship is not moving. He can hear the sailors on top yelling. Robo goes top side and his heart stops. There is a galley beside the ship. It is flying the royal colors. And then his heart stops, stepping on deck is Tomb King Settra himself. They lock eyes and Robo flees into the hold.
As he is hiding behind some kegs he can hear sailors and marines searching for him. It is not long and they find him. He tries to resist but they beat him down and drag him on top.
"Did you think you could out run my grasp?"
Robo looks up at Settra with a swollen eye and spits on his feet
"You can take the KPL and shove it up were the sun don't shine man. That league stinks man. Make a real league and proper Blood Bowl."
Settra looks down at Robo and just smiles. He looks over and waves over one of his tomb priests.
"I have something special in store for this one. Perform the ritual. Raise the Kraken from the depths. Robo do you know when the last time a Kraken was scene in these waters?"
Robo looks at Settra with spite and malice. Then lowers his head.
"It has been over 1000 years since a Kraken has been scene in these waters. The reason is very simple actually. I bent its will to mine, even a mighty leviathan eventually bends the knee to a true king."
The sea starts to churn. Sailors are looking overboard and running around in fear. At first just its tentacle appear and then the massive body of the Kraken rises from the ocean.
"Here is your fate Robo. Look into its eyes. I hear it takes over a week to die in the belly of a Kraken. I guess you will find out first hand."
Settra reaches over with his gauntlet hand and picks Robo up by his jerking with one hand. Side arm throws him in to the sea before the Kraken
Beremas Burial Battalion
walks into the throne room of Tomb King Settra and stands proudly before the King of all Khemri.
"My King I must inform you that I will not be returning to the KPL. I felt it was necessary to tell you in person. For I am a man of honor."
Settra looks at Russo and gives him a penetrating gaze.
"Coach Russo I respect that you came forward to me. Most scuttle away and make me find them. I release you from your commitments to the KPL."
One of Settra's tomb guards comes over and takes coach Russo's whistle.
"Russo I have heard that before you took up coaching that your were an engineer of some skill and prowess. Is this so?"
"It is my King. In fact I am looking to go into a venture with a cousin on a big job in the Empire."
"That is no bueno Russo. For the empire of Khemri needs men of your skill. There is a large pyramid project in Ka-Sabar that I am sure your expert mind could help us with. I will pay you 5 times the contract you and your cousin are getting from that imperial contractor."
Russo is taken back. That would be a fortune of gold. He could finally retire in peace once that contract is done.
"I accept my King. I look forward to serving you in a new capacity."
Settra stands up and approaches Russo. A big smile on his face. Russo takes a step back. He has a very uneasy feeling about this. Suddenly Settra pulls out a dagger and impales Russo right through the chest. A spray of crimson blood splashes over the white marble floor. Russo sinks to his knees and looks up at Settra.
"Why my Lord? I have served faithfully."
"That you have Russo and our contract is still valid. I did you a favor. The jungles of Ka-Sabar are filled with all kinds of nasty diseases and other things that the mortal flesh cannot endure. I have now given you a new life in my service."
Russo lays there dead on the white marble. A few moments later his body rises again. Russo bows to his king and walks out of the Throne room. Destined for far off Ka-Sabar as one of the new foremen of construction. Albeit an undead engineer but he is now living the dream in Ka-Sabar.
Do not say that Settra is not kind. Russo should have been crucified at the city gate.
Black Pyramid Pallbearers
It was a glorious day on a small island across the world in a land down under. He had finally gotten out of Khemri and made it back home. Found a new gig coaching one of the local teams. He would have to get used to playing Blood Bowl with Aussie rules but that was fine by him.
was hanging out in the local pub with his team after a nice 3-1 victory. Finally playing in a sane world he thought to himself.
The door to the pub opens up and a tall stranger walks in. He is covered from head to toe in wrappings of fine silk and gold. He ambles up to the bar and orders a drink.
Paradocks spits on the ground. Arabian merchants, I hate those guys. It brought to many memories of Khemri flooding back into his brain. He is brought out of his day dream by a presence behind him. He turns around and reels back in fear, he falls from his chair.
"A toast to your victory coach Paradocks, it was well played."
Settra raises his stein in a mock toast to all the players sitting around rooted in fear.
"No one can escape me Paradocks. There is no hole anywhere in the world you can hide from me. You have displeased me greatly Paradocks. My ears still hurt from your parting shots you laid out in that seaside tavern before you sulked away over the ocean."
"King Settra they were not words of malice. Just a coach who was frustrated and beat down. No harm was intended by them."
Settra drains his stein in one gulp and then looks down at Paradocks and approaches. He grabs him by his uniform and lifts him up off the ground by his throat with one arm. Paradocks starts banging on his arm trying to realease him from the death grip. Settra looks into his eyes and smiles. Paradocks after a minute stops his struggle. Settra drops the body on the ground and leaves the pub. As he turns the corner into the alley that was when the screams began.
It took the city guards and militia 5 hours to stop the rampage of the mysterious wight who appeared in the seaside village. 27 towns folk slain by the undead fiend. They drew and quartered his body and then burned his remains. They then took his bones and crushed them to dust and threw them into the seas.
The ship was far out to sea when the necromancer opened up the chest. Reached in with greedy hands and pulled out his new treasure, a burned skull. He pulls out his cleaning gear and begins to polish and clean his new prize. "You have power inside you, I can feel it. You were born by a powerful foe." He calls on the amethyst winds of magic, they swirl around the skull. After a few moments the empty eye-sockets glow with the red power of hate and death.
In the 3rd plane of HELL Paradocks is awoken, his soul called back to the prime plane. He looks out into the mortal world once again and all he feels is anger and hunger. He lets out a cry of pain and rage that can be heard through out the 3rd plane of Hell.
Ka Sabar Falchions
The Tomb Guardians enter the low rent apartment building from the back. Tomb King Settra walks in the front door with his guards. They proceed to the second story room at the end of the corridor. The Tomb Guard step forward and start bashing down the door.
The door is reinforced and it takes the Guards 10 blows before it blows off the hinges. The smell of a crypt waffs into the hall, a tomb beetle comes scuryying out.
Settra enters the dark one room dive and scan around. Spider webs hang in the corners, crypt rats are scurrying around. Looks like they have eaten the place out. Settra sees a glowing light over in the corner, a chair is in front of the monitor. Settra approachs and notices that there is a man in the chair. He pulls out his two handed sword, prepared. He swivels the chair around with his foot ready to strike.
Settra gazes down at the mummified body of Big-Al. Perfectly preserved by this crypt environment he lives in. Settra looks up at the monitor scanning the FUMBBL chat log.
<mad coach> Dude were in the hell are you?
<mad coach>Man Iam hitting the time out button this is insane.
<mad coach>COME ONE MAN!!!!! I do not have time to sit around here, did you pass out you drunkard?
<mad coach>To hell with you man!!!!
mad coach leaves the match
<mad coach>You have to be kidding me man...this game has been up for 3 days now...are you ever going to move? My team is locked up by this stupid match.
<mad coach>Iam gettting an admin
<admin>Big-Al are you still alive. I just got the support ticket that this match is still up and unresolved...what is your problem? It has been 9 days now!!!! Iam closing out the match and awarding a concession victory to mad coach.
<admin> Have a nice day Big-Al and any further reports of abandoned games will not go well.
Admin leaves match...Big Al leaves match.
The game is in post match mode.
Setta looks over at his Tomb Priest.
"So Priest what do you think? This is unnatural."
"Yes it is very strange indeed. His body is perfectly mummified. Only a master could do such work. Look at how the room is sealed up."
Settra and the Tomb Guards look around. There is a very strange feeling in the air. Something lurks here, some spirit or ghost. The Tomb Guards pull out their swords and start fanning out. Settra stands on guard in the middle of the room.
"What are you doing!!! do not touch the window!!"
the warning from the Tomb Priest comes to late. One of the Tomb Guards breaks the wood coverings over the window to let in the sunlight. The window blows out and the air from outside comes blowing into the crypt room. The Tomb Guard is blow apart into 800 mummy rags as the wind shreds his body. Settra stands firm as the wind blows at him. The Tomb Priest falls to the ground and is yelling at Settra and pointing at Big-Al. Settra scans over and sees Big-Al rising from his chair. His body is consuming the air and animating him. A FLESH GOLEM FROM THE ABYSS!!!!!!
Settra moves with alacrity. Strking the golem left and right. The golem is not defending himself but the blows are doing little damage. The Golem back hand slaps Settra across the chest and the golems arm crumbles into dust as it hits Settra, his golden runes of protection glowing.
Settra drops his sword and wrestles the flesh golem to the ground. Begins to beat the living tar out of the Flesh Golem until all that remains is a broken body, the body of Big-Al.
2 hours later.
"Priest what in the heck was that? I enjoyed beating down Big-Al the flesh golem...but were did it come from?"
The priest is silent for a few moments.
"There is only one who knows the secret of the Flesh Golem and how to create them....NAGASH!"
Settra walks back to his palace contemplating and planning. Is NAGASH still lingering around the capital? Why do this to a KPL coach?