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Sharper



Joined: Nov 22, 2006

Post   Posted: Aug 15, 2020 - 06:33 Reply with quote Back to top

Image
Final inductees announced as curtain raiser to season opener

The Bronzed Raiders final inductees were announced last night in a quiet ceremony in the lead up the the first game of the Premier season last night.

[i]Welcome all, to the second round of Hall of Bronze Inductions. Thanks Zharta, for those of you who don't remember, Zharta had a long brilliant career with the Raiders, lasting all of one game. Tonight we'll be announcing the next two inductees, after Taur'ruk's induction the other night.

The first inductee announced was a duel Premiership winner ImageImage, and an SWL All Star member for Season 81.
Playing for 63 games, with 34 Casualties, 4 times best afield, 63 Star player points, he was feared for his brutal punches and sharp claws. Our first inductee tonight is non other than Gharzth Bronzehelm
Image

Our second inductee of the night played 53 games, earnt Touchstone HeartImage in a Premiership season Image, caused 14 casualties, was 5 times best afield, earnt 56 Star Player Points before passing away on field in against Bravado in the final game of season 80. He was the great Targ Bronzehammer
Image

After the closed doors ceremony, the Raiders notched up a brave win against Flack Ork Flockers, to start the premiership defence on a positive note.
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Aug 17, 2020 - 01:56 Reply with quote Back to top

Image
===

The Teams

Strawberry: Hello everyone and welcome to the team reveal for the SWL Fantasy League Season 83! We've got 8 teams to show you this season, with a total of 71 unique players between them.
Chocolate: And a severe lack of us... why did mushoomy have to start up the fantasy league after our prime?! I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to rip into his team...
Strawberry: Let's do just that then! The first Fantasy team this season is team Mushoomy.

===

Mushoomy
Image Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) - 220k
Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) - 160k
Image Fast Az Finn (Flack Ork Flockers) - 150k
Image Queen of Blades (Mutated Antagonists) - 150k
Image Mirhi Tybressa (Trees and Peas) - 120k
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 120k
Image Bruiser (Crazy Beard Express) - 100k
Image Filing-lay Flabbergast (Lab Rat Elysium) - 80k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Stewart, the Vampire Aristocrat (Blackwater Cockfighters) - 50k
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 20k
Total 1250k

Strawberry: Mushoomy's team is full of premier players, boasting 4 players from the premier league!
Chocolate: Yeah... but he has a couple duds too. I mean, who would field a snotling on a fantasy team?
Strawberry: The same coach who relied on two players in his own SWL team I guess. Mushoomy will be watching both Niabatteroo and Torduken very closely this fantasy league.

===

Sharper
Image Comghan Sycamoreolive (Nottingham Arrows) - 160k
Image Gorden Tallis (Aspley Boncos) - 140k
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 120k
Image Lemon (Pugs Not Drugs) - 120k
Image Giles (Federated Fowlers) - 120k
Image Faeclol The Swift (Hаrlequins) - 100k
Image Cyan Bloodbane (Druchii Dynasty) - 100k
Image Eve, the Vampire Slayer (Blackwater Cockfighters) - 90k
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 80k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Thor Jr the Flaybooz (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 80k
Image Bowser (Mutated Antagonists) - 60k
Total 1250k

Strawberry: Next up is the SWL champ himself, Sharper! Will he add the Fantasy Cup to his trophy collection?
Chocolate: It's a hard sell! Sharper is running the tightest Fantasy team this season. 12 players with a gap of 100k between his most expensive and cheapest players.
Strawberry: If anyone can coach a team of near rookies to Fantasy fame, it would be Sharper... though the performance of this team is very much out of his hands.

===

Foad
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) - 220k
Image Bind Soul (Blood Crag Strips) - 130k
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 120k
Image Furiosa (Murder Maidens) - 110k
Image Mark Donaldson (Amateur Professionals) - 110k
Image Rudy (Federated Fowlers) - 110k
Image Vivandi Lidorn (Harlequins) - 100k
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 80k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Custard (Pugs Not Drugs) - 70k
Image Anduin Wrynn (Legends of Azeroth) - 60k
Image Dinglebat III (Trondheim Hammers) - 50k
Total 1240k

Strawberry: Foad has also opted for a team of 12, captained by the ogre-wannabe-elf, Cah.
Chocolate: And it's a good thing he's got a bench! Foad's fantasy teams has 11 players that are armour 7! I'd rip this team to shreds.
Strawberry: To be fair, I think you could say that about any player. Anyway, if the armour of Bind Soul and Rudy holds up, this team could be hard to beat.

===

Tussock
Image Gareth Madronebrook (Nottingham Arrows) - 150k
Image Felix (Federated Fowlers) - 140k
Image Time (Speeeeed Killzzzz) - 130k
Image Herb and Cheese (Bun Dead) - 120k
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 120k
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 120k
Image Daniel (Trondheim Hammers) - 110k
Image Yasmirullah (Didgeridead) - 100k
Image Kerros Walters (Aspley Boncos) - 90k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Arthas Menethil (Legends of Azeroth) - 70k
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 20k
Total 1250k

Strawberry: Tussock is also fielding a team of 12. It seems like 12 player teams are becoming a more popular choice?
Chocolate: I don't know why. Less gold for experienced players. His most costly player is only 150k and he still needed to choose a snotling? Why go for a snotling when you could go for a skill? Who is this Kutanshy guy?!
Strawberry: Kutanshy has scored a touchdown before, Chocolate, maybe he will again. Tussock's team also sees the least amount of SWL freshers, being Glee Strawberry and Yasmirullah. Will these newbies pull their weight in Tussock's tightly knit team?

===

HaruHaru
Image Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) - 220k
Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) - 210k
Image Carriwitchett Clackbox (Lab Rat Elysium) - 170k
Image Blemoa The Menace (Malice Renegades!) - 130k
Image Nightmare (Mutated Antagonists) - 130k
Image Lime (Pugs Not Drugs) - 120k
Image Suzie Scabs (Redgum's Repugnance) - 80k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Khadgar (Legends of Azeroth) - 50k
Image Gelidus Rimewood (We'reWho!) - 40k
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 20k
Total 1250k

Chocolate: Seriously?!! Another pick for Kutanshy?!! What is the matter with you HaruHaru?!
Strawberry: Well with a front line like this one, he certainly needed a snotling. His top 3 players cost 600k! Half of the allocated budget!
Chocolate: He'll certainly be relying on Niabatteroo, Dave Loveridge and Carriwitchett Clackbox because he sure as hell won't be getting anything from a snot!

===

Semitence
Image Torgan Silvermead (Blue Mountain Giants) - 230k
Image Vilgorgin (Harlequins) - 170k
Image Neapolitan (Cold Rock) - 140k
Image Lemon (Pugs Not Drugs) - 120k
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 120k
Image Turbo Angry Dog III (Trondheim Hammers) - 110k
Image Jormama Liewood (Nottingham Arrows) - 90k
Image Filing-lay Flabbergast (Lab Rat Elysium) - 80k
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 80k
Image Arthas Menethil (Legends of Azeroth) - 70k
Image Iron Otto (Covid 6) - 40k
Total 1250k

Chocolate: Finally... a team with some common sense. Thank you Semitence for saving my sanity.
Strawberry: Well Chocolate, Semitence has made up costs a different way, fielding 6 SWL freshers in his fantasy team!
Chocolate: Almost as bad as a snot... it may not be as bad for Semitence's Fantasy team though, with players like Torgan Silvermead and Vilgorgin.

===

MiyusoBot
Image Serrano (Piquante Peppers) - 150k - (Team: 68 - Player: 4)
Image Caolan Redcedar (Redgum's Repugnance) - 40k - (Team: 70 - Player: 9)
Image Iron Otto (Covid 6) - 40k - (Team: 52 - Player: 11)
Image Stampede (Crazy Beard Express) - 180k - (Team: 59 - Player: 1)
Image Sorrow (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) - 70k - (Team: 40 - Player: 8)
Image Robert Terwillicker (Federated Fowlers) - 70k - (Team: 61 - Player: 7)
Image Sturm Battlehand (Blue Mountain Giants) - 80k - (Team: 57 - Player: 1)
Image Muffin (Bloody Sphynxes) - 170k - (Team: 72 - Player: 7)
Image Raklah (Bronzed Raiders) - 40k - (Team: 79 - Player: 10)
Image Djizzax The Wretched (More Food for Thawt) - 160k - (Team: 55 - Player: 1)
Image Squee Lassrate (Vermintidе) - 50k - (Team: 64 - Player: 15)
Image Anduin Wrynn (Legends of Azeroth) - 60k - (Team: 37 - Player: 8)
Image Thor Jr the Flaybooz (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 80k - (Team: 54 - Player: 7)
Total 1190k

Chocolate: What in the living hell is a MiyusoBot?!
Strawberry: MiyusoBot is this season's fantasy league benchmark! A completely randomised team based off of team list number and player number. Score below the benchmark and face complete and utter humiliation!
Chocolate: I don't think anyone will have to worry about that, Strawberry... I mean, sure, Muffin and Djizzax The Wretched may get a couple spp ... but who the hell is Squee Lassrate? Or Caolan Redceder? Don't even bother checking this team's progress Miyuso...

===

Ramchop
Image Salty Dog Seldon (Salute οf the Jugger) - 200k
Image Jon the Silastic Armorfiend (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 200k
Image Cracker (Pugs Not Drugs) - 130k
Image Gangrene Greg (Redgum's Repugnance) - 130k
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 120k
Image Pooroogooroo (Didgeridead) - 110k
Image Daniel (Trondheim Hammers) - 110k
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 80k
Image Mephisto (Mutated Antagonists) - 80k
Image Snickers (Cold Rock) - 60k
Image Achomkim (Concussion Protocol) - 20k
Total 1240k

Strawberry: And our last entrant for this season of Fantasies is Ramchop's!
Chocolate: Please don't describe the Fantasy League like that... Who are these players?! And what the hell is an Achomkim?!!
Strawberry: No idea, Chocolate! Ramchop's team is the most unique this season, with 8/11 of his choices being unique to his team! This either means that he'll do miserably, or amazing.
Chocolate: Miserable! Unless Gangrene Greg and Silastic Armorfiend can pull their weight, this fantasy team is like Ramchop's eighth player pick - Weak!

===

Strawberry: And that wraps up this season's Fantasy team reveal! Who do you think will come out on top? Tune in every Monday to get your Fantasy fix.
Chocolate: And for the love of Nuffle, if Kutanshy doesn't die by the end of the season, I'm sending my cousin Cacao out to get him for me!
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Aug 17, 2020 - 03:53 Reply with quote Back to top

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===

Last Minute Arrival

Strawberry: Hold up just one second... We've got a last minute arrival into the Fantasy League, bringing us up to 9 teams with 77 unique players between them.
Chocolate: The issue with late submissions is that you aren't allowed to choose players that have gained spp this season, so if you're still interested in the Fantasy League, hurry up and give us a team to roast!
Strawberry: I'm sure you'll have lots to say about this team, Chocolate. Let's have a look at the late-comer shall we!

===

Klazam
Image Jon the Silastic Armorfiend (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 200k
Image Khugthauc (More Food for Thawt) - 180k
Image Muffin (Bloody Sphynxes) - 170k
Image Darren Lockyer (Aspley Boncos) - 150k
Image Lemon (Pugs Not Drugs) - 120k
Image Cyan Bloodbane (Druchii Dynasty) - 100k
Image Amazonia (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) - 90k
Image Herbad Ith (Cult of the Firedrake) - 80k
Image Mutiny Morton (Salute οf the Jugger) - 50k
Image Burst Inner Tube Watson (Singed Poor Scoundrels) - 40k
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 20k
Total 1200k

Chocolate: ...
Strawberry: Something wrong, Chocolate?
Chocolate: ... You're saying Klazam had extra time to choose players... and he still chose Kutanshy?!! The faith people place in a Snotling!!!
Strawberry: Not only that, Chocolate, but Klazam's team fields the most players below Strength 2! Recreating a lizardman dynamic with hard hitters Muffin and Khugthauc, and fast critters Jon the Silastic Armorfiend and Herbad Ith.
Chocolate: It's certainly a fantasy to think that 3 stunties will win you SPP! Kill them all!

===

Strawberry: If you're still interested in entering the fantasy league, it's not too late! Just make sure that your players haven't gained SPP and you can take part in the fluffy goodness of a side tournament that is the Fantasy League!
Chocolate: Just make sure you get in quick, otherwise you'll be forced to field a fanatic... at least fanatics are cooler than snotlings...
Strawberry: You're lucky that your exit from SWL wasn't from a snotling boot, Chocolate... you really are...
Balle2000



Joined: Sep 25, 2008

Post   Posted: Aug 19, 2020 - 23:41 Reply with quote Back to top

*** BREAKING ***

Shock move sees Didgeridead coach demote Tebec to vice captain to make way for legendary Thro-ra 'Batteroo.

The long serving Stomp-ra is reportedly livid.

I would not like to be at the end of his boot next game!

Helga Harpoonsdottir,
for Feed, Froth and Facestomps

_________________
Putting the romantic in necromantic since 2010
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Get your team a bio
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Aug 20, 2020 - 22:59 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS

Predictions for the season, as is tradition now, always arrive a bit late. This season, with Pinkeye and the rest of the Scoundrels returning from retirement for what might be a valedictory farewell tour through the Regionals, there's been an exceptional delay, but we're happy to announce them now, before the season ends...

Sponsorship
With Underworld Armour refusing to honour their sponsorship commitments after last season's shoelace-related debacle, it remains to be seen who'll be sponsoring the Death Watch this season. All bags of gold, funny looking mushrooms or exciting presents to be sent to the usual address.

You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish for the team that inflicts the highest number of serious injuries and deaths, while suffering the least itself, won't stay with Didgeridud. Now they're up in Prem, while they remain hard hitting it's unlikely they'll be casualty-free. With both Nurgle teams stinking up the Walter Crawford Conference, we expect it to be one of the violent Chaotic teams that takes this one - will pickings be harder for More Thood For Fawt, Malice Rentaghost or the Alternative Farts?

You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish for the team with the highest casualty rate and the lowest number of kills and serious injuries we expect to go to Skye Hippers? as the aged frogs crash into a bunch of fresh, violent teams down in Regionals.

The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, for the team that damaged the least number of opposing players will be taken by Leg Ends Of Azimov as the Old World Alliance fails to get up to speed in its first season.

The Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl is going to stay with MacHumburglars, as there just isn't enough claw in the Kai the Kobra conference to take out any of those bearded stunties.

The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon for the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did - we tip Bravacado and Lob Rot Elysium to be fighting this one out. The Mr Consistency Award for having a player die in every game is yet to be claimed, but those Wood Elves have a good chance of grabbing it.

The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette, newly awarded last season to the Farts and the Warptones. Smart money says that the collision of the Scoundrels and somebody else will have the highest bodycount - will it be the Mordor Mayhens that share in that AV7 goodness, or Salute Of The Jogger? There's a wildcard in the Aspley Bongos, one of the most violent teams last season - will they keep bashing away now they're out of the Conferences? Either way, remember that Tackle is cheating - real men (and women, and horrid mutants) roll proper POWs every time!

Who will take the What Took You So Long Digital Watch? The honest answer is nobody cares, it's an award for making people wait and nobody has time for that.

The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo - we figured it would be a rotter last season, it was Khemri instead. All bets are off, but there's a special prize if somebody cracks 4 injuries this season. Stay tuned!

Finally, exciting news as the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom is no longer available for shoelaces, and has to go to a [un]living player. Is Impakt going to justify his massive salary? Or is Semlaaargh going to butter a whole bunch of people up?

_________________
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Last edited by MrCushtie on Aug 20, 2020 - 23:36; edited 1 time in total
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Aug 23, 2020 - 02:25 Reply with quote Back to top

Image

===
Week 1

Strawberry: Welcome everyone to the SWL Fantasy League! I'm joined by Chocolate today to discuss a very exciting first week of SPP goodness. But first, Chocolate has something to say.
Chocolate: ... Do I have to? ...
Strawberry: Yes you do, Chocolate... we've been receiving a lot of hate mail...
Chocolate: ... *sigh* ... I'd like to apologise to Kutanshy's family on behalf of the SWL Fantasy league, for calling Kutanshy and the like "useless snotlings" rather than "useless gnoblars". We hope that your small brains will be able to understand this sincere apology and be as excited as we are to rip into the first week of results.
Strawberry: Good boyyyy... good boyyyy... Let's start of with the leaderboard!

===

===
LEADERBOARD

1: Foad - 36spp in 16 games
2: Mushoomy - 32spp in 19 games
3: Semitence - 29spp in 16 games
4: Tussock - 29spp in 20 games
5: HaruHaru - 28spp in 16 games
6: MiyusoBot - 18spp in 17 games
7: Sharper - 14spp in 19 games
8: Klazam - 13spp in 11 games
9: Ramchop - 8spp in 17 games

Chocolate: SHAME ON SHARPER!!! SHAME ON KLAZAM!!! AND SHAME ON RAMCHOP!!! I didn't expect that anyone would be shamed by MiyusoBot... but 3??? GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!!
Strawberry: The Fantasy League benchmark is certainly doing well so far, but let's not forget to mention the current front runner, Foad. Let's take a deeper dive into his team shall we?

===

===
Team of the Week:

Foad
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) - 5spp in 2 games
Image Bind Soul (Blood Crag Strips) - 6spp in 1 games
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 9spp in 1 games
Image Furiosa (Murder Maidens) - 2spp in 1 games
Image Mark Donaldson (Amateur Professionals) - 5spp in 1 games
Image Rudy (Federated Fowlers) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Vivandi Lidorn (Harlequins) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 0spp in 2 games
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 9spp in 2 games
Image Custard (Pugs Not Drugs) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Anduin Wrynn (Legends of Azeroth) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Dinglebat III (Trondheim Hammers) - 0spp in 2 games
Total:36spp in 16 games

Strawberry: Look at that spread of spp! Almost like Foad's own SWL team. Any comments, Chocolate?
Chocolate: Certainly a stellar performance from this Fantasy Team, Strawberry. Glee Strawberry and Aeneas in particular, with 9spp each. Surely they're the players of the week?
Strawberry: You're in for a surprise with that prediction, Chocolate. Let's take a look at the player of the week shall we?
===

===
Player of the Week:

Image Stampede (Crazy Beard Express) - 10spp in 3 games

Strawberry: This week's player of the week goes to Stampede, chosen by the one and only, MiyusoBot!
Chocolate: That's hardly fair! Glee Strawberry got 9spp in 1 game! Surely there's a prize for her?
Strawberry: Funny you mention that! Let's get into this weeks best deal and biggest rip off!

Deal of the Week:

Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 13.3 cost/spp/game

Strawberry: This weeks deal of the week is Glee Strawberry!!! For only 120k, Tussock, Foad and Semitence got 9spp in 1 game. What a bargain!
Chocolate: There we go! Now, can we get into my pick for rip off of the week?
Strawberry: Go ahead Chocolate! I'm excited to see who you picked...

Rip Off of the Week:

Image Comghan Sycamoreolive (Nottingham Arrows) - 240 cost/spp/game

Chocolate: This week's selection for Rip Off of the Week goes to Comghan Sycamoreolive. For 160k, Sharper got 2 spp out of 3 games!
Strawberry: Why this player, Chocolate? There are more expensive players that earned nothing.
Chocolate: That is true, Strawberry. But with Glee Strawberry doing so well, Sharper must regret his choice of Wardancer!!!
Strawberry: Great choice Chocolate!!! Not so great choice Sharper. Great misfortune has come upon the SWL champ, as we will see in our next segment.

===

===
Curse of the Fantasy League:

Image Eve, the Vampire Slayer (Blackwater Cockfighters) - 0spp in 2 games DEAD (Sharper)
Image Herb and Cheese (Bun Dead) - 0spp in 1 games DEAD (Tussock)
Image Squee Lassrate (Vermintidе) - 2spp in 2 games DEAD (MiyusoBot)


Chocolate: We're not going to be sued by the death watch for revealing deaths early are we?
Strawberry: The Fantasy League has always revealed deaths, Chocolate.
Chocolate: What about the name of the segment? "Curse of the Fantasy League"?
Strawberry: If Jim and Bob want to take legal action, that's their choice. This week, Sharper, Tussock and MiyusoBot will be grieving. Lucky they had reserves!
Chocolate: Yes, but it's also money that could have been spent elsewhere. Hard luck you 3.
===

===
Closing Words:

Strawberry: And that's it for the first week of the Fantasy League! Join us next Sunday for even more SPP goodness!
Chocolate: And if you want to see how terribly Ramchop is doing, make sure you follow the link below to see the full standings of the 83rd season of the SWL Fantasy League.
Strawberry: Until next time!

Link to full standings
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Aug 26, 2020 - 05:26 Reply with quote Back to top

DEATH WATCH SWL LXXXIII WEEK ONE

It seems like only hours ago, we were packing up the bunting and wiping away the blood and tears from last season's celebration of morbidity. But here we are again, with a whole new season of death and injury to look forward to. With Orcidas and Underworld Armour both failing to pick up the tab, there were worries that the Death Watch prizes would be too expensive this season, but we're glad to announce that Aaarghsics, that well-known Nipponese supplier of athletic footwear to the larger gentleman (well, Ogre) have agreed to sponsor the Death Watch.

Unfortunately, for fans of the most prolific killer, there's bad news: reading the small print, it looks like Aaarghsics are refusing to pay any money towards prizes for shoelace-related injuries, and so the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Doom is going to somebody else at season end. Probably for the best, really.

Now, without further ado, the curtains are raised, the lights are trimmed down, and we present to you the first ten deaths of the new season:


Image pastelste, pasted by Mobad Glakuarn. Orc Goblin, 2 SPP.
"Mobad, mo problems for the little green fella, eh?"

Image Helmut Wulf, died as he lived: failing a GFI. Helmut Wulf, 0 SPP.
"One player we all suspect of trying to cheat his way to the Squashed Freddo this season..."

Image Herb and Cheese, sliced and toasted by Roggski Splatterhand. Undead Ghoul, 14 SPP.

Image Charidia, cured by Edward Silentshield. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.
"What do you mean, cured?"
"Well, er, ... uh, you see Charidia is ... um ..."
"What is it, Bob?"
"It's ... um, one of those things where your ladybits itch a lot and ..."
"Bob, quite apart from the fact that neither of us have ladybits, your ignorance of the female anatomy is only outweighed by your ignorance of ... pretty much everything else! You're thinking of clammy-itchyer, you dolt!"


Image Edward Silentshield, was shown his time was up by Cronus. Wood Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
"Huh? I might not know everything, but I know what that noise is."
"What, that incredibly annoying ringing bell?"
"That's the sound of the Curse Of The Death Watch, Jim!"


Image Ghoulia Yelps, yelping a bit higher after seeing a Norse Trik. Necromantic Ghoul, 22 SPP.
"Two ghouls in one week? Who'd have thought that combination of weak armour and no apothecary would end so badly?"

Image Grarp the Lamuellan Baker, doesn't ever need to get up for work early again because of On Second Thawt. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"You're right, to begin with, it seemed a shame he died. But on second fault..."
"Thawt!"
"That's what I thought."
"Oh, never mind..."


Image Strinder the Lamuellan Tool Maker, showed himself to be an utter tool by tripping while dodging. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I'm saying nothing. We haven't had that new sponsor a week, and already we're getting in trouble."

Image Colonel Autumn, generally winter now after a visit to The Doc. Underworld Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Well, so much for that. But wait - there's one big guy left. Is it Manshape, finally retiring?"

Image Infant Childshape, not feeling strongly about anything, in a state of total Ambivolence. Goblin Troll, 0 SPP.
"Let me look at that dictionary you're using, Bob. See, ambivolence isn't 'the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone'. That's ambivalence."
"What's ambivolence then?"
"Er... it says here, 'not caring about your corpse being eaten by a vole'. OK, near enough."


Well, that was a reasonable start to the season. Trivia fans will have noticed that none of the new teams in the Reggies have suffered a death yet, whereas last season the Corsairs, the Trumps and Griffindoom all got scores on the board immediately. So that's a disappointing showing. At least Infantshape made sure somebody in the lowest division didn't come back to play. Macauley Malvin has started the season with two strong casualties, double what anyone else could manage. Are we going to see Dark Elf Dominance this time around?

Probably not. With ten elves already injured this season, they're not looking durable. And speaking of injuries, as the funny music plays us out, check out this pile of shop-soiled players:

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

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mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Aug 30, 2020 - 12:13 Reply with quote Back to top

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===

Week 2

Strawberry: Welcome everyone to the second week of the SWL Fantasy League! As always, I have Chocolate here with me to discuss this weeks results.
Chocolate: A lot has changed over the past week and one coach has escaped the humiliation zone. Congratulations Sharper!
Strawberry: Don't spoil it! We haven't gotten to the segment yet.
Chocolate: Well get on with it then! I've got two coaches to shame...
Strawberry: Let's do that! Go fetch!

===

===

LEADERBOARD
1:(+3) Tussock - 61spp in 31 games
2:(-1) Foad - 59spp in 31 games
3:(+2) HaruHaru - 51spp in 27 games
4:(-1) Semitence - 45spp in 28 games
5:(-3) Mushoomy - 44spp in 26 games
6:(+1) Sharper - 31spp in 32 games
7:(-1) MiyusoBot - 28spp in 31 games
8:(+1) Ramchop - 21spp in 27 games
9:(-1) Klazam - 17spp in 24 games

Chocolate: SHAME ON RAMCHOP!!! But more importantly... SHAME ON KLAZAM FOR BEING WORSE THAN RAMCHOP!!!
Strawberry: Did that feel good, Chocolate?
Chocolate: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Strawberry: I'm going to take that as a yes... A lot has changed over the past week with everyone moving at least 1 place. Tussock has taken the lead, but is he team of the week???
Chocolate: Of course he is, Strawberry! 32spp in 11 games is HUGE!!!

===

===

Team of the Week:

Tussock
Image Gareth Madronebrook (Nottingham Arrows) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Felix (Federated Fowlers) - 18spp in 3 games
Image Time (Speeeeed Killzzzz) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Herb and Cheese (Bun Dead) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 5spp in 1 games
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Yasmirullah (Didgeridead) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Daniel (Trondheim Hammers) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Kerros Walters (Aspley Boncos) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 3spp in 2 games
Image Arthas Menethil (Legends of Azeroth) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 0spp in 0 games
Total:32spp in 11 games

Strawberry: Again with the spoilers Chocolate ...
Chocolate: Or what??? Show me those paws of yours, Strawberry. Those soft ball-handling paws.
Strawberry: ... Tussock takes team of the week this week, with 32 spp in 11 games. He can thank Felix for that.
Chocolate: Surely he's player of the week. 18spp in 3 -

CRASH!!! BANG!!!

===

===

Player of the Week:

Image Felix (Federated Fowlers) - 18spp in 3 games

Chocolate: OW!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
Strawberry: You really need to stop spoiling segments before we get to them, Chocolate. Consistency!
Chocolate: We're only in our second week of broadcasting - writing - fantasizing ... whatever we do!!! What is there to be consistent with?
Strawberry: No one's going to tune in if it's just us arguing! It's only the second week and you've ruined it with your agression!
Chocolate: BIND SOUL IS DEAL OF THE -

CRASH!!! BANG!!!

===

===


Deal of the Week:

Image Bind Soul (Blood Crag Strips) - 21.6 cost/SPP per game

Strawberry: I told you to stop spoiling segments! BAD DOG!
Chocolate: I was Mushoomy's favourite dog! Where's your retirement money, sucker?
Strawberry: Why do you think I'm doing this show, Chocolate...
Chocolate: Because you make bad choices. Sure feet instead of fend for instance!
Strawberry: *sigh* well Foad chose well with Bind Soul this week. For 130k, Foad earned 6 spp in a single game. What about your rip off of the week, Chocolate?
Chocolate: Too scared to spoil it? Alrighty then!!!
Strawberry: More that I want to be paid for this episode....

===

===

Rip Off of the Week:

Image Salty Dog Seldon (Salute οf the Jugger) - 200 cost/SPP per game

Chocolate: May I present to you, a terrible mistake by Ramchop. Almost as bad a mistake as having Mushoomy.
Strawberry: CHOCOLATE??! How are we going to get paid for this episode with that comment ...
Chocolate: Like I said, I've already got my retirement fund. Now where was I... Salty Dog Seldon finally appears in this season's records, after not appearing for his first game, a singular casualty over 2 games! That's a bad 200k you spent, Ramchop. Onto the next "segment" then, Strawberry.
Strawberry: ASAP ... the sooner I can leave this building the better...

===

===

Curse of the Fantasy League:

Image Arthas Menethil (Legends of Azeroth) - 0spp in 2 games DEAD - (Tussock, Semitence)

Strawberry: Thank god! Only one death this week. Got anything to say or can I leave now?
Chocolate: Oh Arthas Menethil. Such sad news to hear of your passing this week. Although we never shared the pitch together, I watched you from afar with awe. An Old World Alliance thrower, I wish I could be. Running blissfully, throwing balls, scoring touchdowns... or in your case... nothing... Coached by the brilliant Boris... Oh I wish I could've been coached by Boris... An Old World Alliance Thrower... So young... So new... You know guys, back in my day, there was no Old Worl -
Strawberry: That's enough Chocolate... let me go...
Chocolate: No such thing as enough Chocolate. Old World Allia -

CRASH!!! BANG!!!

Strawberry: There is such thing if you're a dog.
Chocolate: You're such a Chihuahua...
Strawberry: Hard luck Tussock, Semitence. DONE!!!

===

===

Closing Words:

Strawberry: That's it! Bye!!!
Chocolate: See you next week Strawberry!!! And all you beautiful readers, watchers, dreamers, wherever you are. Full standings down below. Catch you in the next episode.


Link to full standings
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 02, 2020 - 01:23 Reply with quote Back to top

DEATH WATCH SWL LXXXIII WEEK TWO
Proudly brought to you in association with Loonloonlemon, purveyor of elasticated exercise underpants to the larger goblin lady. Founded in western Naggarond more than two centuries ago, the combined stench of curdled maple syrup, goblin body odour and general disappointment means that Loonloonlemon are the yogurt pants every self-respecting woman should wear. Our spokestroll, Ladyshape Grumbleflick says
Quote:
gnnnnnnnnuuuuuurrr


"Jim, what happened to Aaaarghsics? Weren't they sponsoring us this season?"
"They ran out of money already. Looks like it's a new sponsor every week until the financial chaos settles down."
"Isn't Financial Chaos a bank in the Northern Wastes?"
"Next week, Bob, next week..."


It's that time of the week! Grab a drink, sit back and relax as we bring you all the greatest deaths of the second week. Marvel at the destruction of so many highly-skilled players! Gasp in awe as their sagas come to an end! Cheer and hope that you're not next!

Image Amon Doomdark, enlightened by Dinga. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Hang on, didn't you say highly skilled players? That's just a rookie, Jim!"
"Yes, but don't you delight in Dinga dinging Doomdark to death?"
"Well, I admire the effort you put into the alliter- a little - all the words starting in the same letter, Jim. But that wasn't a big hit."
"OK, well how about this one, keeping the Naggarond connection alive:"


Image Eve, the Vampire Slayer, like a stake in the ground, crushed in a mad Stampede. Norse Berserker, 0 SPP.
"Isn't it ironic, don't you think?"
"No Jim, it isn't. If you're referring to that famous Witch Elf chanteuse, Aaaarglannis Morgueasett, I think you'll find ironic things are:
    ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife
    rain on your weeding day
    a free ride when you already paid
Getting your face trodden on by all four feet of a Bull Centaur isn't any of those things."
"That's remarkably well spoken of you, Bob. Did you swallow a dictionary?"
"Why thank you, Jim. It's because I just ate this delicious dictionary writer. You are who you eat..."
"Anyway, enough of this nonsense. Who's next on the list?"


Image Mobad Tendaeriodr, so sad after failing a GFI. Lizardman Saurus, 27 SPP.
"Shoelaces claims another victim, with the big lizard definitely being tenderer after that trip."
"Not so fast, Jim. It wasn't the shoelaces that killed him, it was definitely the Curse of the Death Watch. You don't kill two linemen and get away with it forever, you know."
"I did!"
"Yes, well those were thralls on your own team, Jim. Different Curse entirely."


Image Ratgang, ganged up on by MacDunno. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.
"Let's just pause there for a moment and consider that Ratgang has the highest SPP of any snotling in the Death Watch to date."
"Wow. Can we stop pausing now?"


Image Squee Lassrate, timed out by Cronus. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.
"Lossrate on a lassrate? More like the last rat!"
"Bob, are you trying to write tongue twisters now or something?"


Image Muradin Bronzebeard, had the shine taken off by a rock from the crowd. That's our first Old World Alliance Troll Slayer, 9 SPP.
"And that's a real first - not often we see a dwarf going for the Stu Wilson award!"

Image Arthas Menethil, will never have another thrill after a hit by Leptobrachium Smithi IIIII. Old World Alliance Thrower, 5 SPP.
"Sounds like he had a frog in his throat, eh?"

Image Apple, chewed up and spat out by The Duchess. Wood Elf Catcher, 24 SPP.
"How'd you like them apples?"
"What does that even mean, Bob?"


Image Izren Duran, blocked by The Duchess. Wood Elf Catcher, 3 SPP.
"Izren? Iz not ren, more like!"
"I don't know about you, but it feels like deja vu all over again here..."


Image Ordrig, sawn up into a lot of tiny pieces by Avo Smash Toastyflake. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"Ah, back to the glamour at the shallow end of the talent pool. How come you never see a skilled hobgoblin die?"
"... because there aren't any? It's like asking about a player who's both fun, and has Guard."


Image Geoff From Above, squashed flat with a Targon Heavyiron. Goblin Doom Diver, 11 SPP.
"From above, now all the way below. What a nice way to finish things off."
"I don't think Geoff would agree with that, you know..."


This week's hall of pain: (another bad week for big guys)
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

_________________
Image
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Sep 07, 2020 - 05:40 Reply with quote Back to top

Image

===
Week 3

Strawberry: Hello everyone! After some minor technical difficulties, we are back for our third week of fantasy goodness.
Chocolate: Technical difficulties... you saw a picture of Bun Dead's skeleton cheerleader and slobbered all over the numbers!
Strawberry: Those bones looked delicious Chocolate! Regardless, apologies to all of our wonderful followers for this late edition of the SWL Fantasy league. Let's jump right into it.

===

===

LEADERBOARD
1:(+1) Foad - 79spp in 44 games
2:(-1) Tussock - 74spp in 43 games
3:(+0) HaruHaru - 72spp in 42 games
4:(+1) Mushoomy - 59spp in 40 games
5:(-1) Semitence - 54spp in 36 games
6:(+0) Sharper - 43spp in 44 games
7:(+0) MiyusoBot - 37spp in 41 games
8:(+0) Ramchop - 32spp in 40 games
9:(+0) Klazam - 21spp in 35 games

Chocolate: SHAAAAAAAAAAAME!!! SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Strawberry: I think that's getting a little old, don't you think?
Chocolate: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Strawberry: Not a lot of change this week, from either Chocolate, or the results.
Chocolate: Don't discredit the leaderboard just to have a dig at me, bone muncher!
Strawberry: Alright, fine... Foad jumps back into the top spot this week and the top 3 are getting tighter. Who's going to take out team of the week this week?

===

===
Team of the Week:

HaruHaru
Image Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) - 6spp in 1 games
Image Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) - 2spp in 1 games
Image Carriwitchett Clackbox (Lab Rat Elysium) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Blemoa The Menace (Malice Renegades!) - 4spp in 1 games
Image Nightmare (Mutated Antagonists) - 0spp in 2 games
Image Lime (Pugs Not Drugs) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Suzie Scabs (Redgum's Repugnance) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Khadgar (Legends of Azeroth) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Gelidus Rimewood (We'reWho!) - 0spp in 3 games
Image Kutanshy (Concussion Protocol) - 0spp in 2 games
Total:21spp in 15 games

Strawberry: HaruHaru has earned the most spp this week! Gaining 21spp in 15 games.
Chocolate: The best team only got 21 spp? Are you sure your slobber didn't change the numbers?
Strawberry: It so didn't! And stop bringing that up please. You're making me hungry...
Chocolate: Y'know HaruHaru's top performer this week, Niabatteroo, is also made out of bones right? How do legendary bones make you feel?
Strawberry: Starving.....

Drip ... drip... drip...

===

===
Player of the Week:

Image Kerrod Walters (Aspley Boncos) - 7spp in 2 games

Chocolate: You're honestly disgusting, Strawberry. It's no wonder the pugs haven't beaten Didgeridead.
Strawberry: STOP MAKING ME HUNGRY!!! It's not my fault Mushoomy always had us play them with an empty stomach... hell, why am I even writing/recording/whateverwedoing on one? Who's player of the week?
Chocolate: I don't know, Strawberry... I can't tell if Kerrod Walters is really the player of the week with the amount of slobber that's on the page. I mean, is 7spp in 2 games really the best player we've got?
Strawberry: It's more spp than you usually got over 2 games, Chocolate. Let's get onto the deals. I've never been this hungry in my undeath...

===

===

Deal of the Week:

Image Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) - $29.99/kg

Chocolate: Here at the SWL butcher, we've got the greatest deals for the lowest prices! This week! Legendary bones with extra strong marrow for just $29.99/kg!
Strawberry: You hypocrite! Discounting the deal of the week to make me more hungry! Also, don't steal my segment!!!

Image Custard (Pugs Not Drugs) - 23.3 cost/SPP per game

Chocolate: My choice was better... Foad got lucky with that one. 1 TD in 1 game? Mine's the true deal.
Strawberry: It really isn't. If anything, it's fake news.
Chocolate: You're just jealous because you can't pick as good as I can.
Strawberry: Wanna bet....

===

===

Rip Off of the Week:

Image Chocolate (Pugs Not Drugs) - 164.6 cost/SPP per game

Chocolate: Alright, that's just petty. You can't call my pick - who for the record is also a good deal - fake news and then choose a player who's not even playing!
Strawberry: Rip off of the week is a subjective pick anyway! Why does it have to be a current Fantasy League pick?
Chocolate: "Consistency". Strawberry criticises Strawberry.
Strawberry: ...

Image Gorden Tallis (Aspley Boncos) - ERROR

Chocolate: This is my pick. Sharper dipped his toes into the realm of big guys and decided that Gorden Tallis was the right choice. 5 games later, 0 spp. Ripped... OFF! How's your stomach by the way?
Strawberry: I have entered the realm of post hunger... I can't feel it anymore... I hate you Chocolate...

===

===
Curse of the Fantasy League:

Image Comghan Sycamoreolive (Nottingham Arrows) - 2spp in 4 games DEAD - (Sharper)

Chocolate: And if Sharper wasn't ripped off enough, week 1's pick died this week! 160k for 2 spp. The poor guy.
Strawberry: ...
Chocolate: You've gone awfully quiet Strawberry. You're not thinking of Niabatteroo again are you?

CRASH!!! BANG!!! DRIP!!! DRIP!!!

===

===

Closing Words:

Chocolate: Chihuahua... That's it for this weeks installment of the SWL Fantasy League! Make sure you join us next week for more "spp goodness".
Strawberry: You're awfully optimistic if you think you'll be here next week...
Chocolate: Was that you or your stomach rumbling, Strawberry?
Strawberry: It was nothing! Full standings down below everyone. See ya!

Link to full standings
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 08, 2020 - 04:17 Reply with quote Back to top

DEATH WATCH SWL LXXXIII WEEK THREE

"Welcome back everyone to the Death Watch, sponsored this week by Rolorcs, the renowned makers of time keeping devices for the discerning gentleorc. Whether it's the Orcstar Perpetyou-all, or the Big Boat Under Da Sea model, rest assured that with one of these on your wrist, men will want to be with you and women will want to be you."
"Another new sponsor, Jim?"
"That's right. Aaaaarghsics didn't last a week. Apparently they felt we weren't paying attention by announcing two of the deaths from this week, last week."
"Never mind, Jim. Nobody's going to notice, we've got loads of deaths this week... Haven't we?"
"Well, the good news Bob, is that this isn't going to take long..."


Image Rockerman, smashed to bits by Takharth Stoneheart. Khemri Skeleton, 2 SPP.
"It goes to show that you can stop the rock."
"What, like Stu Wilson?"
"Too soon, Jim, too soon..."


Image Worm, cut into two halves by Fred Woodman. Nurgle Rotter, 7 SPP. curse of the all star, and the bronze boot
"I think that's a triple curse there, Jim. The Worm had the Curse of the Death Watch hanging over him, and the curse of the All Stars, and a Bronze Boot."
"That's a lot of things to have hanging over you, Bob. Surprised nobody noticed. It was almost like the Curse doesn't exist."
"If you don't believe me, check the end of this edition."
"You'll be the end of me, going on about this supernatural nonsense!"


Image Maggot, brought down by a failed dodge. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
"Nothing but worm food left of Maggot, eh?"
"Surprising, given the rotters' reputation for agility on the field."


Image Sneak, couldn't sneak out of being minced by Burger. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin, 1 SPP.
"Still stretching the metaphors, Bob?"
"Well, not as far as they stretched Sneak's gizzard across the pitch, Jim!"


Image Dr Nefarious, receiving no further qualifications after a hit by Jordell Freshbreeze. Underworld Goblin, 2 SPP.
"Another example of how death takes us all eventually, no matter how experienced and skilled we might be ..."
"Two SPP, Bob."
"... or even if we're just a 2 SPP non-entity."
"Thank you, Bob."
"Still, we hear angry noises from the Facts."
"What do they have to be angry about?"
"It's Freshbreeze. He's mad that nobody picked him for the Fantasy League."
"That's everyone else's loss. With 6 casualties this season, people have missed out on an easy 12 SPP."
"I guess nobody thought they could afford any of those cut-price superstars... Anyway, he should be glad he's safe from the Curse of the Fantasy Football League."
"Isn't that an infection you get from Slaaneshi cheerleaders?"


Image Howard Vilefire, extinguished by The Firefighter. Chaos Pact Marauder, 0 SPP.
"Lovely synergy of killer and victim there, Bob!"
"Er, thanks Jim. Whatever that means."


Image Ambivolence, brought to the light by Uther Lightbringer. Human Lineman, 9 SPP.
"Jim, if that isn't proof of the Curse of the Death Watch, I don't know what is. Just two weeks ago, he killed poor little Infantshape so hard the little troll forgot to regen, and now the reaper has come for him."
"Well, I admit, it is a bit suspicious that there should be such a high rate of deaths among Blood Bowl players. It's not like they take part in violent sport every week, is it?"
"You sound dubious, Jim."
"Dubious is when you're not sure. I'm sure there's no sch thing as the Curse of the Death Watch."
"Well, wait while I unveil the evidence, just from this week"


Image Kezhan, 1 kill. Broken Neck.
Image Borrl, 2 kills. Fractured Arm
Image Dhimvaco Tholnath, 2 kills. Smashed Ankle
Image Ferrari, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Image Xenopus Laevis IIIIII, 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Ambivolence, 1 kill. Dead


"What do you say now, Jim?"
"I say I understand now why the studio smells so bad. Can we get these players back to the hospital/the morgue/the abbatoir?"
"I'll have to wait for the weekly parade of broken players to get out the way first."
"Well, that won't take long, will it?"
"Er..."


Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

_________________
Image
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Sep 13, 2020 - 02:31 Reply with quote Back to top

Image

===
Week 4

Strawberry: Hello everyone! Welcome back to the SWL Fantasy League. I'm your host, Strawberry, and today, I'm joined by Zombie Elvis to discuss the fourth week of SPP galore!
Zombie Elvis: ARRRRRRRRGH!
Strawberry: Chocolate, unfortunately, could not make it today after mysteriously catching fleas. I wonder how he caught those... A quiet week in the office and in the Fantasy league! Let's jump right into it, shall we, Elvis?
Zombie Elvis: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!!!
Strawberry: Loving the unoffensive enthusiasm, Elvis.
===

===
LEADERBOARD
1:(+0) Foad - 100spp in 52 games
2:(+1) HaruHaru - 85spp in 50 games
3:(-1) Tussock - 80spp in 48 games
4:(+1) Semitence - 68spp in 40 games
5:(-1) Mushoomy - 68spp in 46 games
6:(+1) MiyusoBot - 46spp in 49 games
7:(-1) Sharper - 43spp in 46 games
8:(+0) Ramchop - 34spp in 46 games
9:(+0) Klazam - 25spp in 42 games

Zombie Elvis: ARGH!
Strawberry: That's right, Elvis. It is a bit of a quiet week. Foad extends his lead and hits 100spp! Meanwhile, Sharper slips behind MiyusoBot, after a fairly silent 0spp 2 game week.
Zombie Elvis: AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!! AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!!
Strawberry: Yes, Elvis. Shame on everyone that falls behind MiyusoBot. It's so refreshing hearing that from a new voice. Let's take a look at the team of the week!
===

===
Team of the Week:

Foad
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) - 7spp in 1 games
Image Bind Soul (Blood Crag Strips) - 2spp in 1 games
Image Glee Strawberry (Bravado) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Furiosa (Murder Maidens) - 0spp in 2 games
Image Mark Donaldson (Amateur Professionals) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Rudy (Federated Fowlers) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Vivandi Lidorn (Harlequins) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Custard (Pugs Not Drugs) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Anduin Wrynn (Legends of Azeroth) - 9spp in 2 games
Image Dinglebat III (Trondheim Hammers) - 0spp in 0 games
Total:21spp in 8 games

Strawberry: Unsurprisingly, Foad is the team of the week with a very impressive 21 spp in only 8 games!
Zombie Elvis: AARRGGH!!!
Strawberry: Ummm... no that's not how team of the week works Elvis. Even so, you can't pick more than 2 zombies...
Zombie Elvis: AARRRRRGGGGGGH!!! AAARRRRRGGGGH!!! ARRRRGGH!!!
Strawberry: No, Elvis... It's not a singing contest either...
Zombie Elvis: AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!

THUD... THUD...

Strawberry: *sigh*... If you say so...
Zombie Elvis: ARGH!
===

===
Singer of the Week:

Image Anduin Wrynn (Legends of Azeroth) - 9 singing performance points in 2 gigs

Zombie Elvis: ARGHHH! ARRGHH!!!
Strawberry: That's right! Anduin Wrynn pleased both the audience and managers Foad and MiyusoBot, after singing graciously on the bloodbowl pitch!
Zombie Elvis: ARGH?
Strawberry: Ummm.... he sang... "graciously"...
Zombie Elvis: ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!
Strawberry: Ah of course! Blue suede shoes would have been a much better song for his voice. SUCH a big mistake... since Anduin Wrynn is the deal of the week (13.3 cost/spp per game) and you'd choose every non-zombie as rip-off of the week, would you like to select the deal of the week?
Zombie Elvis: ARGH!
===

===
Deal of the Week:

Image Gelidus Rimewood (We'reWho!) - Good sing-ARGH!

Zombie Elvis: ARGH!
Strawberry: Why of course! Gelidus Rimewood is the deal of the week, for singing good! I'm sure HaruHaru is pleased by his beautiful singing voice, and is sincerely disappointed by his lack of spp...
===

===
Rip Off of the Week:

Image Fast Az Finn (Flack Ork Flockers) - ERROR

Strawberry: I'm pretty sure Chocolate would choose Fast Az Finn as the rip off of the week. Mushoomy chose this soft-fisted orc blitzer for his fantasy team, hoping he'd get some singing performance points hitting low armour 7 notes. Two armour 7 teams played so far, no casualties. Hard luck Mushoomy.
Zombie Elvis: ARRRRRGGGGGGH!
Strawberry: That's right, Elvis. Mushoomy chose wrongly... he chose wrongly making you his SWL partner in crime...
Zombie Elvis: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!

THUD... THUD... THUD...

Strawberry: Y'know Elvis, you're actually making me miss Chocolate...
Zombie Elvis: AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGH!

THUD...

Strawberry: I regret everything...
===

===
Curse of the Fantasy League:

Image Caolan Redcedar (Redgum's Repugnance) - 0spp in 4 games DEAD - (MiyusoBot)

Strawberry: Just the one death in the fantasy league this week! Will this slow down MiyusoBot enough for Sharper, Ramchop and Klazam to catch up? Unlikely that a useless rotter would affect that...
Zombie Elvis: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH?!!
Strawberry: Yes Elvis, you do come under the useless rotter category...

THUD...
===

===
Closing Words:

Strawberry: And that's it! I hope that you all enjoyed our guest today, because he's never coming back!
Zombie Elvis: Argh...
Strawberry: Don't act upset, Elvis. You won't be missed. Full standings below. See you next week!

Link to full standings
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 15, 2020 - 06:46 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL DEATH WATCH LXXXIII WEEK FOUR

"It's a bit ironic that one of the few weeks we're not sponsored by a shoe manufacturer, the dreaded Shoelaces failed to kill anyone."
"That's right. We have an angry message from Gnawlgene, providers of plastic drink bottles to discerning thralls and vampires alike, that they aren't going to pay us any more because they wanted to see more shoe-related deaths."
"Nobody's ever pleased, are they?"
"I guess we better just get on with the deaths..."


Bogus Super Star Edition
Image Hubris Rakarth, splooshed to the moon and back by The Astronaut. Chaos Beastman, 21 SPP.
"Not much of an elf, is he Jim?"
"He's not much of anything after that big squiddy thing got a hold of him."


Filler edition
"Every season, some selfless teams turn up to make up the numbers, just to ensure there's matches for every professional team to play in the league. And what's their reward, Bob?"
"A delicious steak pie?"
"No, Bob. Death. Horrible, torturous death."

Image Sprite Fae, returned to ghostliness by Albert. Human Catcher, 21 SPP.
"Wasn't a good day for Sprite Fae?"
"Nay."


Image Seamus Finnigan, never going to begin again after being robbed by Swindler Stanmore. Human Lineman, 6 SPP.
"What a shame, eh?"
"A seamus, Jim!"


Image Trey Weaksnake, had all the poison sucked out by Muradin Bronzebeard II. Goblin, 0 SPP.
"That's just a rumour, surely, Jim?"

Something's wrong with this drink special
Image Aeacus, bust into nothing but pus by Brad, The Barkeep. Underworld Lineman, 25 SPP.
"Now Jim, I wasn't sure what we could say about Aecus, so I did a bit of research."
"Oh, and did you find out that Aecus was an ancient king who used to judge entrants to hell?"
"Nope."
"Did you find out that Aecus was an ancient king who erected a temple to Zeus Panhellenius on Mount Panhellenion?"
"Nope."
"Did you find out that Aecus was an award-winning Old World consulting firm which helps clients get great results from orcsourcing, orcshoring, shared services and RPA?"
"Nope."
"Did you find out what you could get by randomly typing words into Waaaaarghoo, the decades old demonic search engine?"
"Nope."
"So what did you research?"
"I found out if you eat purple mushrooms, you see really pretty shapes."
"Bob!"


Image Chariclo, really had to go after an unkind word by Brad, The Barkeep. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"Did you do a bit of research on this one too?"
"It's the corpse of a rookie goblin. I already know what they taste like, Jim."


Image Strumkirk The Insane, given his final dose of essential medication by Ares. Chaos Pact Marauder, 7 SPP.
"Now the thing about somebody who says they're insane, is they're either the sort of office pest who think they're really funny because they wear a zany tie ... or they keep dead people's heads under their bed."
"Which sort was Strumkirk?"
"Well, there's too much of a mess to see if he was wearing a tie or not."
"I guess we have to go round to his house and look under his bed then."
"Seems a bit insensitive to his family at this time."


"Turn the green lights on Bob, it's time for the Wood Elf commemorative section!"

Image Comghan Sycamoreolive, cut down in his prime by Big T.. Wood Elf Wardancer, 13 SPP.
"Let's just take a moment and remember that +AG doesn't live forever."
"Certainly not in this league, Jim."


Image Oak, cut down in his prime by Frankie the Mouse. Wood Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.
"Wooden it be nice if we could go a week without any puns about Wood Elfs?"
"That was the first line of a song by the Beech Boys, right?"


Image Caolan Redcedar, over-watered by Kerrod Walters. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.

"You sure that last one was a Wood Elf?"
"Well, it was a Wood Elf."


Work Experience Edition
"Oh yes, another bunch of corpses where you can hardly figure out why they didn't use an apothecary..."
Image Dusdin Gnaws II, looked shiny, but now just Dull. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I killed a rat with a shovel the other day, Jim."
"That's disgusting. Why'd you say that?"
"Just making idle conversation, Jim."


Image Amir Kegghammer, nothing left to think about after a hit by On Second Thawt. Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.

"What a strange week, Bob?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you managed a whole Death Watch without once mentioning that stupid Curse."
"Oh yes..."
"Oh no!"


Image The Accountant, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Image Cronus, 2 kills. Fractured Arm
Image Ruffen' Kneeslamm, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Shin Shadowstrike, 1 kill.Smashed Ankle
Image Chris Jubba, 1 kill. Smashed Hand

"Well, at least nobody died."
"I count at least 6 deaths, Jim!"
"Ahem. Hey - there's the parade of broken bodies from this week:"


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DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS UPDATE
As we trundle past the half way point, let's check in on our predictions of violent calamity:

The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish is looking to be locked up by the Crazy Beard Express, who've managed 11 serious injuries and kills in the first four matches of the season. So much for Didgeridead, tipped for the top at the start of the season, but doing less than half the damage of those top hatted tiny people.

The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish doesn't go to the superannuated frogs of the Skye Hoppers!, but to the slightly splintered Trees and Peas, with a 8:1 ratio between the injuries they take and the pain that they make.

The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves could go anywhere. There's six teams in the league that have only managed a single damaging hit so far. They should all be ashamed.

But even worse, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl could be taken by the Bloody Sphynxes who've only attended two sacrifices of players thus far this season. And if a Nurgle team takes this dish, nobody's ever going to want to touch it again...

The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon is probably going to the Legends of Azeroth for being the team with the most damage inflicted but without anyone else taking more injuries. Confused, yet?

The What Took You So Long Digital Watch seems to be out of batteries. Although Mythic Blood took four weeks to make it to the Death Watch, there's still a few other teams waiting in the [hospital] wings...

The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo - hard to say. Twelve different players have had two injuries this season, but six of them are also dead, so they hardly count. Lemon Sorbet showed early promise and as long as he takes a knee, or a fractured skull, or something in week five, he could still get his hand on the dubious confectionery come the end of week seven.

The Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom - apart from that old fan favourite, Shoelaces, it's far too early to tell - there's a Norseman, a Troll, a Minotaur and a Wight, all neck and neck right now. Stay tuned for future developments!

And of course, the You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette - with the Scoundrels and the Maidens match failing to set the hospital ledgers alight, it's been down to the collision of Crazy Beard Express and Vermintide that's wowed the egg-obsessed fans of the Southern Wastes the most this season!

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mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Sep 20, 2020 - 02:01 Reply with quote Back to top

Image

===
Week 5

Strawberry: Hello everyone! Welcome back to the SWL Fantasy and a warm welcome back to my lovely co-host, Chocolate. How's the cone?
Chocolate: You know, when they took me in for flea treatment - which you still haven't apologised about - I wasn't expecting them to treat my open Bloodbowl wounds. Want to scratch them so badly....
Strawberry: They sewed up Samuel and Mike?
Chocolate: My two favourite rotting wounds! Speaking of, Elvis really stunk up the office...
Strawberry: Indeed. Ratings were low last week. One viewer describing Elvis as a "terrible co-host". Glad to have you back Chocolate. Want to rip into the leaderboard?
Chocolate: Less than I want to rip into these stitches, but let's do this!
===

===
LEADERBOARD
1:(+0) Foad - 115spp in 63 games
2:(+0) HaruHaru - 95spp in 55 games
3:(+0) Tussock - 90spp in 59 games
4:(+1) Mushoomy - 82spp in 54 games
5:(-1) Semitence - 76spp in 48 games
6:(+1) Sharper - 63spp in 57 games
7:(+1) Ramchop - 55spp in 56 games
8:(-1) MiyusoBot - 55spp in 58 games
9:(+0) Klazam - 32spp in 50 games

Chocolate: What is this??? Two coaches escaping humiliation??? UNBELIEVABLE!!!
Strawberry: Yes it is! In a huge turn of events, Sharper and more surprisingly, Ramchop, have escaped the humiliation zone! Will Klazam be able t-
Chocolate: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Strawberry: I was waiting for that...
Chocolate: I've been itching to shame for more than a week!
Strawberry: As much as you itched your fleas I bet. And yes, I do apologise for infecting you with fleas. Foad continues to extend his lead this week, but is he team of the week?
===

===
Team of the Week:

Ramchop
Image Salty Dog Seldon (Salute οf the Jugger) - 10spp in 2 games
Image Jon the Silastic Armorfiend (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Cracker (Pugs Not Drugs) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Gangrene Greg (Redgum's Repugnance) - 0spp in 0 games
Image MacHandle (MacHumburgers) - 1spp in 2 games
Image Pooroogooroo (Didgeridead) - 0spp in 1 games
Image Daniel (Trondheim Hammers) - 4spp in 2 games
Image Weak (Crazy Beard Express) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Mephisto (Mutated Antagonists) - 3spp in 1 games
Image Snickers (Cold Rock) - 0spp in 0 games
Image Achomkim (Concussion Protocol) - 0spp in 0 games
Total:21spp in 10 games

Chocolate: Short answer, NO!!! Ramchop has been rewarded for only just escaping humiliation.
Strawberry: Yes that's right. Although he is equal with MiyusoBot on total spp, he has achieved it in less games. Regardless, Ramchop earned the most spp this week, getting 21 spp in only 10 games!
Chocolate: He's really passed my expectations this week y'know?
Strawberry: Well if that's impressed you, wait until you see the player of the week!
===

===
Player of the Week:

Image Salty Dog Seldon (Salute οf the Jugger) - 10spp in 2 games

Chocolate: UNBELIEVABLE!!!
Strawberry: That's right, Chocolate. Previous rip-off of the week is this week's best, with 10spp over 2 games!
Chocolate: I take my rip off back. That is truly impressive. *tips cone* Well done Salty Dog Seldon. *tips cone* Well done.
Strawberry: It's more spp than you usually got over 2 games, Chocolate. Let's get onto the deals. I've never been this hungry in my undeath...
===

===
Deal of the Week:

Image Thor Jr the Flaybooz (Brockian Brown Bandits) - 20 cost/SPP per game

Strawberry: Thor Jr the Flaybooz is our deal for this week! Grats to Sharper and the one and only MiyusoBot, for striking such a good deal.
Chocolate: Say Strawberry. I don't think I've gone this far through a Fantasy week without wanting to rip your throat out.
Strawberry: Thanks Chocolate, though I would prefer if you never thought about that... what's your rip off?
===

===
Rip Off of the Week:

Image Jon the Silastic Armorfiend (Brockian Brown Bandits) - ERROR

Strawberry: You can't go a week without dissing Ramchop's picks can you?
Chocolate: "Consistency"
Strawberry: That you are right, Chocolate!
Chocolate: When one gutter runner earns 4spp and the other earns none at nearly triple the cost, you know you've been ripped off.
===

===
Curse of the Fantasy League:

Image Daniel (Trondheim Hammers) - 4spp in 7 games DEAD - (Ramchop)

Chocolate: Ramchop truly is the star of the show this week. Team of the week... player of the week... rip off and death!
Strawberry: Very true Chocolate. After 4 weeks of Fantasy goodness, Daniel had a last minute burst of 4spp, before dying in game 7.
Chocolate: At least he got his moneys worth. Good riddance.
===

===
Closing Words:

Strawberry: And that's it for our surprisingly argument free week of the Fantasy league! Maybe you should wear the cone more often.
Chocolate: I can assure you that it won't be on next week.
Strawberry: I was expecting a stronger response! You're a changed man-pug. Are you sure you didn't get neutered at the vet?

CRASH!!! BANG!!!

Strawberry: I definitely jinxed that...
Chocolate: You sure did...
Strawberry: Full standings down below. Join us next week for an extra special Chocolate edition of the SWL fantasy league.
Chocolate: I am so excited...

Link to full standings
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 23, 2020 - 06:35 Reply with quote Back to top

DEATH WATCH SWL LXXXIII WEEK FIVE
After a disappointingly gentle start to the season, things have hit their stride for the death watch this week, with a series of big hits. Let's go from the top:

Peter Section
Image Pete, depeted by Petero Civoniceva. *Norse Ulfwerener, 98 SPP.
"I guess you could say he was depeted, Jim!"
"That's exactly what we did say, Bob."
"Well, er, exactly. How many puns are there to use with the name Pete anyway?"


Image And also rid of Sid, courtesy of Petero Civoniceva. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"From the sublime to the ridiculed, Jim. Biggest star of the week, and then a lowly rookie."
"They're both equally Norse, Bob."
"And both equally dead, Jim."


Nominative Determinism Award
Image Frail, certainly not looking very healthy after a hit by Glart Smashrip. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 3 SPP.

Image Cirrha, bashed by Brute. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"'Que cirrha, cirrha, whatever he'll be, he'll be ..."
"He'll be dead Bob, and so will you be if you don't stop singing!


Stu Wilson Award
Image Burger, minced by a rock from the crowd. Undead Wight, 11 SPP.
"That's a very old looking elf, Jim."
"Don't be so ageist, Bob. The Stu Wilson has now been opened up to any player who fails to get out of the way of falling masonry, not just our pointy-eared friends."
"Elves don't have friends, Bob."


Image Juebidge, entertained by Happy Dancer. Khemri Skeleton, 0 SPP.
"Speaking of old people, good to see even ancient dusty Juebidge could have a little dance."
"If you consider having a troll stamp on your head dancing."
"Well, he seemed happy about it."
"That troll is so happy, it's practically his middle name."


Image A Dirtyfire, extinguished as he surfed into the crowd. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Bangur, banged up by Tethran Omar. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"A dead rookie Beastman? Watch me stifle my yawn, Bob."

Image Emberbraid II, unravelled by Topah Grim. Chaos Beastman, 10 SPP.
"How about a not-so-rookie Beastman?"
"Better, Bob, better..."


Image Ulman Rockweaver, undone by Bel-Gedir The Powerful. Dwarf Blocker, 11 SPP.
"From Ulman to eurrrgh-man?"
"You're trying, Bob, I'll give you that."


Image Imrawi Valkeri, broken by Haldir Axebreaker. Elf Lineman, 13 SPP.
"I'm not even going to attempt to pronounce that name."
"What, Axebreaker?"
"No, Im Raweee, I'm Rawi, Immer -"
"Never mind, you won't ever need to say it again after this week, Bob."


Image Vivandri Dusk, took a big lick from Lollipop. Wood Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"Careful Bob! Family show!"

Image Grarp the Lamuellan Baker, won't have to get up early in the morning anymore after a hit by Tarman. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

I'll take a pair please
Image Niall Nealon, gobbled up and then thrown up by Gut Vomit. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Kenzie Kylie, blemoaed by Blemoa The Menace. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"'Blemoa' isn't a verb, Bob."
"Yes it is. To have a Blemoa is to get your arse pulled out through your teeth. Named after some innovative Chaos Marauder."
"I really wish I hadn't bought you that dictionary, Bob."


Image Sure-Fire Nu-k, hit by Bhar'kh. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"So it turns out his Bhar'kh was worse than his bite after all..."

Image Alytes Obstetricans III, blown by Irene Shandyhands. Slann Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"Bob! Blown up, blown up!"
"That's what I said, wasn't it? Anyway, what's an obstinate electrician doing on the pitch anyway? Sounds like asking for trouble..."
"Give JoeKano his due. He did try to apo the frog, but when he saw it still had a fractured head, he did the right thing and ..."
"Stamped on it until it burst?"
"That's right, Bob. That's what we do to all frogs."
"Speaking of stamping on things until they burst:"


Image Jeremy Harken, hoofed by Zharkorth Bloodhoof. Human Thrower, 0 SPP.
"Did you see that Bloodhoof? Jumped up and down with all four feet, and then ran backwards and forwards twice over him."
"Well, Jeremy Harken deserved it with that stupid name, eh?"


RECORD BREAKER
"What's that ringing noise, Jim?"
"That's the sound of us getting to nineteen deaths in one week! For the first time ever, let's go over the line with..."

Image Frankie the Mouse, introduced to royalty by The Duchess. Skaven Blitzer, 82 SPP.
"That's not just the nineteenth death this week, Bob. Apparently, that's the first dead skaven blitzer since records began. The Brown Bandits will be sad to see such a strong, agile, virile rat go."
"And everyone else will be happy to see such a strong, agile, virile - hang on, are you saying that you find him attractive, Jim?"
"Er, no..."
"Anyway, it would be impressive, but records only began in season 77, and anyway, giant rat men don't exist..."
"Oh not that again..."
"Well, I'll tell you what does exist-"
"Oh no, not..."


The Curse Of The Death Watch
Image Pete, 5 kills. Dead
Image Burger, 1 kill. Dead
Image Corpse, 1 kill. Groin Strain
Image Frankie the Mouse, 2 kills. Dead
Image Takharth Stoneheart, 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Image Elmer "Foodie" McCol, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve

"Hmm. Could have been worse, it's only six of them. Oh Bob, what's that terrible smell of eggs?"
"It's the omelette we've got cooking."
"Omelette ...?"
"Well, you know you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs..."
"I'm a vampire, Bob, we never eat food."
"Never mind that, just look at the damage this season. We've now got four teams hotly contesting the omelette - will it be Brockian Brown Bandits and We'reWho! that pick up the prize, or Bronzed Raiders and Lab Rat Elysium?"
"There's still time to get six serious injuries and deaths in one match, Bob..."
"And with that happy thought, let's let the usual parade of broken players play us out, while we try to figure out if we have a sponsor for next week's show...

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