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2019-07-12 23:25:35
14 votes, rating 5.9
14 votes, rating 5.9
How to kick a Bloodthirster in the knackers
How to kick a Bloodthirster in the knackers. A CabalVision interview with Yoshitoshi of the Haikido Ronin (https://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL.php?page=match&id=4076378):
Bob: Ladies and Mentalmen, we are proud to give you an exclusive interview with lineman, demon-hunter and -molester Yoshtitoshi, the first player ever to boot a Bloodthirster in BOTH testicles and live to tell the tale! Heck, I don't think anyone has ever managed that on the battlefield either! Yoshi, welcome!
Yoshi, following this performance folk are saying you are a nailed-on favourite for the Dirty Player of the Year award (Yoshi beams), and also the Nuffle's Chosen award for being unbelievably lucky in only your second game (Yoshi frowns). How did you manage it?
Yoshi: Thank you but it really has nothing do with luck! Kicking demons in the knackers is an art form which takes many years of practice. I have been molesting demons for years, starting with nurglings and wet wipes as a kid. People just aren't aware of the many years of dedication required.
Bob: Ok, well let's take if from that first juicy foul, how did you stick Death the Bloodthirster into the Badly Hurt box?
Yoshi: Well Bob, the key to taking down a Bloodthirster is the right testicle. You see all Bloodthirsters are right-handed, and that means when they are on the turf they will be lying on their right side. So if you take a good swing you can trap the right testicle against the thigh to cause maximum damage. I also always screw IKillYEA 3" spikes into my boots - available for just 2 gold pieces each folks from all good sports retailers - and I also anoint them with holy water before each game just for good measure, to make it really smart. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters. 3" is important too - you need a spike long enough to penetrate the testicle's own spiky covering and get maximum penetration as well as the crushing impact.
Bob: So the big guy is carted off to the Badly Hurt box, howling in pain. Were you disappointed to see him regenerate so quickly? Some fans said you seemed to start shivering and glancing towards the sideline quite a bit?
Yoshi: Yes, well I thought I had him the first time, I mean that little feller looked pretty red and angry. But then Bloodthirsters are pretty red and angry all the time.
Bob: So the Ronin equalise, you all return to the pitch for a last kickoff, and somehow your teammates put him down again. So why did you boot him in the left testicle this time? Showboating?
Yoshi: No, no. I did hear the coach yelling from the sidelines to boot him in the left one this time, but for my part it was unintentional. Dr Death may call the shots on plays but, to be fair, when it comes to molesting large fiery demons he's a total amateur. I'm your man there! No, I was aiming for the right one but unfortunately due to the big fella still twitching and whimpering a bit from the first stamping, I missed by millimetres and gashed the left one instead. Always go for the right. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters!
Bob: So now Death the Bloodthirster is really mad (if he can get any madder?), and getting up off the turf to end you, but instead he miraculously slips while making a wild swing and falls to the turf again! How did you manage that?
Yoshi (beaming): Well, I can also block a bit you know!
Bob (dubious): Really? You seemed to be shaking all over at this point. Some fans are saying that one of the brute's hooves slipped in a puddle of yellowish liquid in front of you. Did you wet yourself?
Yoshi: No, no, not at all! You see the Khorne apothecary had spent much of the second half smothering tubs of soothing cream onto the demon's nads, but he used too much and due to the fiery skin of these beasts it all melted out there and created a slippery puddle beneath him. As a professional this is exactly the sort of opportunity I look for, I put him down easily Bob. With my 3" spikes from IKillYEA. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters.
Bob (doubtfully): Uh-huh. So you survived unscathed, amazing. Or the match at least. Does it worry you that this bloodthirster and thousands of his fans and cultists are currently scouring the country for you? And is it true that the Haikido Ronin are currently disguising you, and regularly moving you between secret ninja castles in the mountains?
Yoshi (right eye twitching): No, no, I can't comment on team security issues.
Bob: Ok. But of course the match was a 1-1 draw. Are you excited that the team owners are considering a rematch?
Yoshi (jumping out of his chair): WHAT!!! I mean, err, sorry I need to see my agent... (runs out of the studio followed by 20 men in grey cloaks)
Bob: Well there you have it folks - Yoshi, scourge of demons and luckiest man alive. Well for now anyway...
Bob: Ladies and Mentalmen, we are proud to give you an exclusive interview with lineman, demon-hunter and -molester Yoshtitoshi, the first player ever to boot a Bloodthirster in BOTH testicles and live to tell the tale! Heck, I don't think anyone has ever managed that on the battlefield either! Yoshi, welcome!
Yoshi, following this performance folk are saying you are a nailed-on favourite for the Dirty Player of the Year award (Yoshi beams), and also the Nuffle's Chosen award for being unbelievably lucky in only your second game (Yoshi frowns). How did you manage it?
Yoshi: Thank you but it really has nothing do with luck! Kicking demons in the knackers is an art form which takes many years of practice. I have been molesting demons for years, starting with nurglings and wet wipes as a kid. People just aren't aware of the many years of dedication required.
Bob: Ok, well let's take if from that first juicy foul, how did you stick Death the Bloodthirster into the Badly Hurt box?
Yoshi: Well Bob, the key to taking down a Bloodthirster is the right testicle. You see all Bloodthirsters are right-handed, and that means when they are on the turf they will be lying on their right side. So if you take a good swing you can trap the right testicle against the thigh to cause maximum damage. I also always screw IKillYEA 3" spikes into my boots - available for just 2 gold pieces each folks from all good sports retailers - and I also anoint them with holy water before each game just for good measure, to make it really smart. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters. 3" is important too - you need a spike long enough to penetrate the testicle's own spiky covering and get maximum penetration as well as the crushing impact.
Bob: So the big guy is carted off to the Badly Hurt box, howling in pain. Were you disappointed to see him regenerate so quickly? Some fans said you seemed to start shivering and glancing towards the sideline quite a bit?
Yoshi: Yes, well I thought I had him the first time, I mean that little feller looked pretty red and angry. But then Bloodthirsters are pretty red and angry all the time.
Bob: So the Ronin equalise, you all return to the pitch for a last kickoff, and somehow your teammates put him down again. So why did you boot him in the left testicle this time? Showboating?
Yoshi: No, no. I did hear the coach yelling from the sidelines to boot him in the left one this time, but for my part it was unintentional. Dr Death may call the shots on plays but, to be fair, when it comes to molesting large fiery demons he's a total amateur. I'm your man there! No, I was aiming for the right one but unfortunately due to the big fella still twitching and whimpering a bit from the first stamping, I missed by millimetres and gashed the left one instead. Always go for the right. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters!
Bob: So now Death the Bloodthirster is really mad (if he can get any madder?), and getting up off the turf to end you, but instead he miraculously slips while making a wild swing and falls to the turf again! How did you manage that?
Yoshi (beaming): Well, I can also block a bit you know!
Bob (dubious): Really? You seemed to be shaking all over at this point. Some fans are saying that one of the brute's hooves slipped in a puddle of yellowish liquid in front of you. Did you wet yourself?
Yoshi: No, no, not at all! You see the Khorne apothecary had spent much of the second half smothering tubs of soothing cream onto the demon's nads, but he used too much and due to the fiery skin of these beasts it all melted out there and created a slippery puddle beneath him. As a professional this is exactly the sort of opportunity I look for, I put him down easily Bob. With my 3" spikes from IKillYEA. You can't be too careful with Bloodthirsters.
Bob (doubtfully): Uh-huh. So you survived unscathed, amazing. Or the match at least. Does it worry you that this bloodthirster and thousands of his fans and cultists are currently scouring the country for you? And is it true that the Haikido Ronin are currently disguising you, and regularly moving you between secret ninja castles in the mountains?
Yoshi (right eye twitching): No, no, I can't comment on team security issues.
Bob: Ok. But of course the match was a 1-1 draw. Are you excited that the team owners are considering a rematch?
Yoshi (jumping out of his chair): WHAT!!! I mean, err, sorry I need to see my agent... (runs out of the studio followed by 20 men in grey cloaks)
Bob: Well there you have it folks - Yoshi, scourge of demons and luckiest man alive. Well for now anyway...
Comments
Posted by KhaTazadun on 2019-07-13 00:07:11
I like it, that story is really a good one ! The coach of this bloodthirster must be really mad ! Wait a sec ... That's me ?!? ;)
I'll happily do a rematch against the Ronins whenever i can, still waiting for Death to take his revenge over this vicious Yoshi ! :)
I'll happily do a rematch against the Ronins whenever i can, still waiting for Death to take his revenge over this vicious Yoshi ! :)
Posted by Joost on 2019-07-13 12:24:24
Voted 6 as promised :)
Posted by lautrehamon on 2019-07-15 15:23:45
Great Job, thanks for that moment
Posted by DrDeath on 2019-10-02 18:22:08
Well the rematch finally happened, and it was a great game of cat and mouse! Yoshi bravely lined up a foul from the backfield for much of the first half, but firstly the Oni Youkai could only manage a push on two frenzy blitzes, then the brave Samurai Yamada actually injured Death the Bloodthirster with Yoshi steaming up behind for a mega-foul! He was inches away before those pesky apos and officials steamed on to the pitch and held him back; apparently stamping on a prone Bloodthirster's testicles when he is already down and injured 'just isn't cricket'- whatever the heck that means.*
However Death regenerated for the second half and the Ronin finally put him down for Yoshi to sprint up and fly two-footed through the air … the entire stadium held it's breath, you could have heard a pin drop... but in his enthusiasm Yoshi's wild swing only grazed the left testicle and stunned the big demon, and Yoshi was promptly sent off by the ref! Apparently this ref has never heard of the huge amounts of gold IKillYEA have invested in this great game, nor does he appreciate their 3" spikes anointed in holy water, even if they are only 2 gold pieces each. Spoilsport. Then again it is rumoured that Yoshi himself bribed the referee to get himself sent off at the first oppoerunity, just to escape that monster. The Ronin have denied these rumours but Yoshi was nowhere to be found at the post-match conference...
* Apparently cricket is some fantasy sport played by gentlemanly weirdos.
However Death regenerated for the second half and the Ronin finally put him down for Yoshi to sprint up and fly two-footed through the air … the entire stadium held it's breath, you could have heard a pin drop... but in his enthusiasm Yoshi's wild swing only grazed the left testicle and stunned the big demon, and Yoshi was promptly sent off by the ref! Apparently this ref has never heard of the huge amounts of gold IKillYEA have invested in this great game, nor does he appreciate their 3" spikes anointed in holy water, even if they are only 2 gold pieces each. Spoilsport. Then again it is rumoured that Yoshi himself bribed the referee to get himself sent off at the first oppoerunity, just to escape that monster. The Ronin have denied these rumours but Yoshi was nowhere to be found at the post-match conference...
* Apparently cricket is some fantasy sport played by gentlemanly weirdos.