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MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 10, 2018 - 14:40 Reply with quote Back to top

Buccaneers Sign New Star Coach

Hopeful for glory, and ready to try some new tactics, the Buccaneers today announced the signing of a new coach from the Southern Wastelands, Mr "The Special One" Cushtie. Introduced at a news conference today by the Norscan Peninsula University's Vice-Chancellor, Jonas John Johansson, as coming "with an unblemished record from his last five games", Mr Cushtie was brought before a room filled to capacity with the greatest journalists on the Peninsula. His first words were to pledge to bring "new and exotic ways to play, that will redefine what sportsmanship is".

"I've been a fan of the Great Northern Bailiffs for many years" Mr Cushtie told reporters, "and I've been sorry to see them badly served by poor management off the field, and vicious and dishonest opponents on it. The kind of flowing, graceful total football that I have perfected in the Southern Wastes are the sort of thing that after a season, the slip shod, undisciplined rabble that play in these so-called 'universities' will learn to respect. And universities, eh? Load of all rubbish. What can you learn from books? University of Life, me. When the seagulls follow the trawler, they're hoping for some fish, know what I mean?"

Johansson was quick to clarify that Mr Cushtie's comments indicate a whole-hearted support for the academic programs the school provides, following the motto "Life-long Learning - As Long As You're Alive", adding that the new team are excited to commence their training under Mr Cushtie's watchful eye "as soon as he recovers from his lengthy journey here."

The new coach, along with his mysterious tropical companion, then left the conference, letting off celebratory flares and crowing that "you won't know what's hit you." Police were later called to a hostelry in the business district, where Mr Cushtie was found screaming "do it for Nigel!" at passers-by.

(It's assumed that 'Nigel' is a name in the Southern Wastes' dialect for the sacred Nuffle. The coach was escorted back to his accomodation by a full honour guard of priests, policemen and grateful passers-by.)
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 12, 2018 - 11:01 Reply with quote Back to top

Barren Season Ahead without Griffins
Debby Demonbreeder – Sports Reporter for the Altdorf Daily

Altdorf faces a grim CBBA season ahead after the scandal of last year resulted in the unjustifiable 1 year ban. Meanwhile, savages from the south, despite plentiful indiscretions of their own, somehow remain in the College League.

As a demonstration of just how uncivilized those peasants are, today the Altdorf Daily received a parcel from Tilea University. In it there was a paper bag containing human excrement, a severed fish head, and the claw of a crow. There was also a letter which we reproduce for our readers below. The letter contained numerous words which require censorship. Also, there were passages which were difficult to transcribe as words were smeared with copious amounts of what appeared to be spit. We sincerely hope the CBBA authorities take note of the behavior of the schools outside of the Imperial Colleges and take appropriate action.

======

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Mila Fiore Pisciotta
Assistant Coach - TRU Diavoli
Stock portrait courtesy Trantio Campus Weekly


Debby Demonbreeder <censored> mouthpiece <censored> of the <censored> Griffins. How dare you try to weasel those Imperial Scum out of their justly sentence by <censored> all over the Diavoli. Tilea doesn't throw matches! Tilea doesn't conspire with Kingdom of Ind betting syndicates! We are Proud see! We wear Tila not Reeborc! We are Brave! We are not like you stuck up <censored> <censored> goat-<censored>!!

Imperial Scum! Not happy to serve time, you must meddle. Rip the heart out of proud Diavoli. You place us with Northern <censored>! How dare you! We are not only of the South. We are the Heart and Soul. We are the South! Diavoli belong with Confederates! Athel Loren! We battle proudly for the Amphora see! You use it as a Chamber Pot!

You <censored>! Great Ocean Conference! You insult us! Yes, we are a great seafaring nation. Sea! See! Get a map Imperial Scum! Get a Compass! And most of all GET <censored>!!!!

Mila

there was a postscript, but it was mostly ineligible, and only contained two words that would not require censorship
polemarch



Joined: Mar 20, 2009

Post   Posted: Dec 12, 2018 - 11:53 Reply with quote Back to top

Athel Loren University Time Anomaly.

Professors at the ALU announced that the university had mysteriously been engulfed by a time abnormality. Although the rest of the old world appears to have just gotten on with their lives, ALU staff and students have barely experienced any time at all.

For CBBA fans it appeared that the Great Eagles had enough of playing Bloodbowl 7s and had just withdrawn from the competition without notice. We have now discovered that barely a CBBA offseason has past for ALU players, staff, students and fans. So despite missing seasons 6 and 7, the team is back and ready to slot right back into season 6 or is it season 8. It is all too confusing.

6 of the team are back for their final year in the CBBA and a raring to go. With only 2 other spots currently available on the roster, there is keen competition amongst the eligible students to secure a walk up spot.

_________________
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Wex



Joined: Apr 21, 2015

Post   Posted: Dec 12, 2018 - 15:35 Reply with quote Back to top

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Ze Chevaliers 'ave signed coach Wex as le new coach for le season 8! Ze former coach of ze "Great Eagles" of Athel Loren University, ze ones that weren't affected by ze time anomaly.

We expect great things to come of coach Wex, and hope that ze Eagles are not too spooked by having two teams!

#GChevs #LeHéraut #CoachWex
Wozzaa



Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Dec 16, 2018 - 07:23 Reply with quote Back to top

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Cocks Flop in Season Opener

The Mootland Fighting Cockerels showed very little fight in their season opener against a fresh faced Scorpions side.

The Scorpions fielded a completely new team, but completely tore apart the more experienced Cockerels.

The game ended 3-0, and coach Wozzaa could be heard chastising his team throughout the stadium. A much better showing is needed against the Stallions.
mushoomy



Joined: Oct 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 18, 2018 - 09:10 Reply with quote Back to top

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Nordrak College Newsletter - Issue #9 - Time to Sober Up

The time has come again for the students of Nordrak to sober up. The celebrations were great; lasting over a year and our success was even greater. But it's time to pick up those banners, relearn the chants and get the alcohol ready for the games. The Nordrak College Manticores are back, ready to dominate the CBBA for a second season.

Although there was never an official awards ceremony, the Nordrak College received many awards last season. Theodore "Titus" Ehmann won both the Player of the season award and (unofficially) the Tough Guy award. Sven "Puck" Beutler won both the rusher award and the scoring award. And of course, the team won the CBBA championship trophy on their first season.

These awards were never recorded by the CBBA. However, the NC Manticores have sobered up and are ready to prove themselves once again that they are a force to be reckoned with. Their first match is against the Tilean University Diavoli. Let's paint the stadium purple people!
Wex



Joined: Apr 21, 2015

Post   Posted: Dec 18, 2018 - 09:48 Reply with quote Back to top

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Ze Chevaliers 'ave, under coach Wex, destroyed ze Clippers 2-0! Well done to our Squires, Louis Breton and Enzo Chevrolet, who scored ze two goals! We are also sending Gevechtsuitrusting Kleermaker a fruit basket of apology for ze injury incurred during play.

Hurrah Chevaliers!

#GChevs #LeHéraut #CoachWex
ramchop



Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Dec 19, 2018 - 07:54 Reply with quote Back to top

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19/12/18 1:44pm

Maybe the rumours are true. Maybe the Griffins really did throw the final last year. How else could the manticores have gone unbeaten? They were terrible! Easy beats! By the end there were just two of them left on the field, huddled on the ground, as the mighty Diavoli towered over their whimpering bodies, and urinated.

Corpse had a great game. Smashed two of them off the pitch. Apo Drago hustled him away after the game. When he returned, he looked... bigger, scarier, stronger.

#CaptainKosmo #Diavoli #goldenshower
HandyKaufman



Joined: Jan 08, 2017

Post   Posted: Dec 20, 2018 - 08:07 Reply with quote Back to top

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Handy Kaufman Claws His Way to a Second Season in Talabheim

TU Tribute

Panthers Beat Writer: Jorje Getwald pre-game newswire


Pre-Season excpectations have been raised by the recent change of "academic standards" upheld by former dean of the Talabheim University.

According to coach Handy Kaufman, "Things just didn't go the way I expected"

Unamed sources, close to his relationship with the former dean, say the friendship soured after an on-field spat left the players asking, "Who is the real coach of the team?"

Starting Thrower, Marco Krieglitz-Untern was quoted at the end of last season saying to his mother, "I still have all my teeth!"

With circumstances yet to be determined, the former Dean of TU was last seen entering the Black Lantern shortly after the final game of last season.

When question by the Tribute, owner of the Black Lantern, Lorenzo had nothing to offer, "I wasn't at the meeting, there is no collusion, it's fake news, Talab has the GREATEST economy of ALL TIME, Snorri is a RAT!"

Snorri, one time prolific friend and associate of Lorenzo, was questioned while awaiting charges of conspiracy to defraud the Talab fans of a perfect season "It was because of his dark deeds, and my loyalty to him that led me down this path..."

Countess Elise was enthusiastic about the upcoming season.

"I am so proud of my nephew Marco! NOTHING will get in his way from here on!"

Coach Handy Kaufman was nearly unavailable for comment as he was busy preparing his team for the first week kick off against the new comer coach of the Averheim U. Stallions, barberfett..

"I don't have much to complain about." said Handy.

When pressed for more details about this new season he said, "I don't have much to complain about!"

When asked about the disappearence of the Dean? "I don't have much to complain about!"

While making an abrupt exit from the locker room Handy was over heard saying to his coaching staff "I DON"T CARE! IF WE'RE GETTING CLAWED INTO THE GROUND! TELL THE BOYS TO STAY DOWN!"

This has of course only added confusion to the sturdy fans of the Panthers, as they are left wondering where in the CBBA is there any player with claw?
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 20, 2018 - 08:53 Reply with quote Back to top

Buccaneers Limp To A Defeat, Label Bulls as 'Cheating'
At home for their first game of the season under their new coach, the Buccaneers' most consistent achievement was to leave the field. As the final whistle blew, the only players left on the pitch were sleeping. Anders Björkstrom woke in the dugout for a moment to ask where he was, before lapsing back into unconsciousness.

"I'm disgusted" yelled the new head coach in a heated press conference following the game. "We welcomed those bulls here and all they could do was repay our generosity with violence. This is not the way the beautiful game is played in the south. Why, we even baked them a delicious custard pie, and did we get any thanks for it? Not one!"

It looks like few of the revolutionary teaching techniques promised before the season have made a big difference to the Buccaneers' performance. After some early shoving, the potential star of the team, "Jon-Jon" Jonssonson got himself sent off, and after that the match had swiftly deterioated into a bout of ankle-smashing.

When questioned about the team's failure to prevent 4 touchdowns going past them, the new coach was vehement in his accusations. "This match was clearly fixed. The kind of blatantly fouling monsters that bring tampered balls to this game and can't win without cheating have no place in collegiate Blood Bowl. My boys played a clean game out there today, and yes, Jon-Jon might get a bit spirited from time to time, but he's a lovely lad, they all are. Now, none of them are very durable, but never mind, we'll just sack the injured ones and replace them with some new boys."

Jonas John Johansson was on hand to clarify that the coach meant Viktor Nordstrom and Sven Strömström, two of the players hurt this evening, were still very much part of the team and would be playing again as soon as they've recovered from their injuries.

Returning to his luxury riverside hostelry (rumoured to cost the university more than 1,000 gold crowns per night) the coach refused to answer any more questions, only pausing to shout that "we'll stuff it up those dirty mongrels from Tilea next week, you mark my words. That midget they've got, we're going to stamp on his head til he's one foot tall."

Nordstrom and Strömström were later seen hopping home from the university recreational ground, both supported by the coach's glamourous assistant, Madame Shandyhands. Their current whereabouts are unknown.
Wozzaa



Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Dec 23, 2018 - 08:16 Reply with quote Back to top

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Cockerels show real guts in narrow loss

The Mootland Fighting Cockerels narrowly lost to a very strong Stallions team.

The Cocks had a poor first half, where they conceded possession easily and could't catch the long legs of the Stallion Blitzers. But managed to grab a Touch Down, an actual real life Touch Down! in the second, and were in touching distance of a second, but weren't quite able to make it with their fans going crazy.

The performance was much better than their previous efforts, giving the Cockerels fans hope that Coach Wozzaa can lead them to another victory under his stewardship.

Next up: The Panthers.
MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Dec 28, 2018 - 00:06 Reply with quote Back to top

Buccaneers Claim Infinite Improvement, Label Diavoli as 'Cheating, Smelly'
Several professors from the Norscan Peninsula University's Departement of Mathematicks were in attendance at this afternoon's press conference, backing up the grandiose claims that the coach made.

"You see, to go from zero to one, that is infinitely better. We didn't just score twice as many times in this match as in our first game, not just three times better, but an infinitely better result for the Great Northern Waiters", MrCushtie, the team coach declared. "Those Diavoli? What could they do? Score just twice as many times as in their previous match? Clearly they lost on the pitch today."

He continued: "I have top players and, I’m sorry, we have a top manager. Please do not call me arrogant because what I say is true. I’m Southern Wastes champion, I’m not one out of the bottle, I think I’m a special one."

Several visiting reporters from the Tilean city states began to interrupt, shouting that MrCushtie was a liar and had never won a game in the Southern Wastes. They were quickly removed from the room by University security.

"See? See? This is the kind of thing these hotblooded Tileans say. They say I have not won a game. What proof have they of that? You cannot prove such things. I am a winner in my mind, the greatest you have seen, the greatest anyone has seen. Across the Southern Wastes, strong men weep and women drool when my name is spoken."

An unexpected question came from Thora Strömström, mother of Sven Strömström, who asked tearfully where her son was, apparently not seen since breaking his ankle during the Buccaneers' inaugural game of the season. "I have always said, young players are like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good. Now Strömström, I remember, there was a certain ... taste about him. We were not sure that he was good or not. But I assure you, Missus Strömström, that wherever he is, he's in good hands. As long as he doesn't touch Shandyhands' melons, that is."

MrCushtie started laughing and then spent several minutes in a coughing fit before continuing to take questions. Several reporters asked exactly how the Diavoli had cheated, questioning the allegations MrCushtie had made.

"Well, for a start, they fouled. In my book, that's obviously wrong. If you can't win by playing cleanly, you shouldn't play at all. Anyone who's watched the Great Northern Wheyfacers knows that we never hit a man when he's on the ground. And for another thing, we brought them a delicious flan to welcome them, and they didn't bother to reciprocate with any sort of cake-based products. Thirdly, it was quite clear none of them had taken a bath in a month. And finally, they tried to trick us into an illegal substitution, knowing full well we had no substitutes. It makes a mockery of the beautiful game, it really does."

Asked how he expects the team to play against the N.C. Manticores next week, MrCushtie was adamant. "We'll win, of course. With our rate of improvement holding steady, I expect no less than an infinite number of touchdowns to be scored by the team, while those funny-looking chancers from the middle of nowhere will probably still be trying to understand how to pick up a ball."

MrCushtie then left the conference, accompanied by two female companions, the tropical beauty who has wowed the staff and students of Norscan Peninsula U in the past few weeks, and a newly arrived, statuesque figure in a bright pink nightie.

He was last seen letting off fireworks and screaming 'Nigel! Nigel!' on the roof of his hotel. No word on the whereabouts of Sven Strömström have been received, but his mother has offered a reward of three groats for any information about him.
Wex



Joined: Apr 21, 2015

Post   Posted: Dec 30, 2018 - 07:14 Reply with quote Back to top

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Ze Chevaliers ztood up strongly to ze Bulls, a much more experienced team, and came out with only a slight loss. Almost pulling to a tie, ze Bulls managed to protect zemselves at the last moment.

Ze Chavliers also mourn ze loss of Leo Comtois, a promising athlete. His funeral will be held on Thursday, and the provost has announced that Mr. Comtois will be given a posthumous GPA of 4.0, over triple his original.

#GChevs #LeHéraut #CoachWex #TheBulls
HandyKaufman



Joined: Jan 08, 2017

Post   Posted: Dec 30, 2018 - 10:52 Reply with quote Back to top

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After getting hooved by the Stallions Coach HK is in hypnotic despair.

TU Tribute

Panthers Beat Writer: Jorje Getwald pre-game newswire



"We just can't catch a break." Coach Handy Kaufman told the press core after the devastating loss.

The Panthers have been out scored 12-2 in their previous four games.

"At least the two we did score resulted in a tie!" said Kaufman, "Which according to most of our fans is still... a loss..."

Much of the problems facing the Panthers has come from not being able to keep their players on the field.

"We're looking to change sponsors," Kaufman is disappointed in the armor ratings of his current endorsers, SPIKES, "It's like their made in Cathor sweat shops or something. We're definitely looking into acquiring some more orcish suppliers, I hear INDAUMMA is real good stuff."

And do the Panthers need some armor? They have suffered two serious injuries including a niggle and two RIPs in the last four games. Not to mention the number of total turns spent in the KO box by key players.

"Block and Dodger reps have been calling us for weeks asking us to consider them too.. right now anything is better than this peanut butter we got right now!"

When asked about the upcoming match versus the Eagles?

"Eagles have Claws? and Talons? and BEAKS?" Coach K's eyes could be seen swirling, "Claws, Talons, BEAKS! Claws, Talons, BEAKS! Claws, Tal....."
Klazam



Joined: Aug 01, 2015

Post   Posted: Jan 04, 2019 - 00:07 Reply with quote Back to top

Central Border Station

NEW COACH HIRED, OLD COACH LEFT IN DISGRACE

At the Northern Border Confederate campus, the mood is subduded after the inomigious departure of old coach Karnov, now known as the infamous Killer Karnov, in a horrific tragedy wherein he took the contract of a Khornite cult, sacrificed all those promising players in the name of KHORNE, and departed to coach a Khorne team in the Deserted Isles. Looking for a new coach to take the reins of a completely new team, the Confederates has secured the coach Klazam. He is with us today!

Would you like to offer a few words to the rabid Confederate fans out there?

Coach Klazam: I'm a coach with a esteemed pedigree of professional Blood Bowl coaching experience! I'll lead the team to victory!

We looked you up on Orkoole, and it says there that you were, and I quote, a ""Hydration Specialist"". How will you bring this experience to the CBBA?

Coach Klazam: Uh, that must have been a mistake. I'm a real coach I promise you!

Well, that's all the time we have today! Thank you for tuning in to CBS!


Last edited by Klazam on Jan 04, 2019 - 00:14; edited 1 time in total
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