Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jun 24, 2020 - 06:01
Late breaking special
(definitely not that the Death Watch goblins were sleeping on the job and forgot to tune in to the Fish Oil Conference:
Ronny, failed dodge. Norse Berserker, 1 SPP.
"Good to see that fan favourite Shoelaces was active this week after all - I was worried he was losing his (fatal) touch!"
Hot Cross, sliced up by Albert. Undead Ghoul, 38 SPP.
Helmut Wulf, doesn't have big eyes or a mouth or anything after a block by Ogingi. Helmut Wulf, 0 SPP.
Pete the Strenuous Garfighter of Stug, f-f-f-f-fouled by Fliff Funston. Skaven Gutter Runner, 19 SPP.
Phew. Glad we got those guys fitted in, even if there were some joke names like Albert and Ronny there. Better update the parade of injuries too:
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 01, 2020 - 07:18
SWL DEATH WATCH LXXXII WEEK THREE
"Bob, where are all the flashing lights from the Death Watch banner?"
"We seem to have a problem with the Underworld Armour sponsorship, Jim. They're claiming all the footwear-related calamities are making them look bad."
"Well, a contract is a contract, Bob. Let's stick to the deaths and see about legal arguments later."
"You're right, we shouldn't waste time on those bloodsuckers -"
"I mean lawyers, Jim, not your sort -"
"Well, in that case, let's get to:"
Fleur Delacour, a flower blown away in the mighty wind of Jordell Freshbreeze. Human Blitzer, 7 SPP.
"So what you're saying, is elves fart?"
Zharta, no longer a starter after meeting Moolgrur. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"From fart to zhart and -"
"Bob, you're just belabouring things now."
Brisa, no happier after being hit by Grumpy. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"That Mr Consistency Award is in JPM's grasp. Every week, another goblin gets sacrificed to Nuffle, and the team keeps on going."
"I'm glad it's just rookie goblins."
"Easy for you to say, you're an ogre."
Albert Silentstream, cut off in mid-flow by Ensem The Prime. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Pimiente, bitten in the ankles by Chihuahua. Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"A spicy little ground blitz there by the plucky young fella, eh?"
Doctor Nitrus Brio, had all his brio removed by Bel-Gedir The Powerful. Underworld Goblin 0 SPP.
"Two underworld goblins in one week? And both so experienced!"
Kuzco, left in pieces, left in Disgust. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 19 SPP.
"Do you have a stutter, Bob?"
"No, J-j-jim, it's just those Chaos Chaos Warriors..."
Fukuoka Asereje, given some unusual pelvic floor exercises by Rod Ketels. Wood Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"And there I was thinking Ketels was named after that Kislevite rotgut. You learn a new thing every day..."
Crumble, fell apart after a topping of Boysenberry Swirl. Necromantic Wight, 10 SPP.
"Well, Jim, a frankly disappointing haul this week. When the highlight of the week is a semi-skilled Chaos Warrior eating the dirt, you wonder why we bother looking at these deaths."
"Cheer up Bob, because next week we have a special guest."
"A special guest?"
"Yes, and I'll give you a hint - he's a two-faced rat who smells of fish. And he's going to help us present the week four 'trophies'!"
"I, er... don't get it."
"Never mind. Anything else before we go?"
"Well, there is the Curse of the Death Watch to review..."
"Not this again."
Curse Of The Death Watch This Season
The following killers have been injured:
Morty Smith 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Balloon Animalist. 1 kill. Dead
Andy Hayden. 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Wasabi. 1 kill. Dead
Pus. 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Felix. 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Ivanka Trump. 1 kill. Smashed Hand
The Scientist. 1 kill. Dead
Xenopus Laevis IIIII. 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Gut Vomit. 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Fliff Funston, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
And after that list of injuries, and the parade of the broken, stay tuned for the predictions of where the season will end up - three weeks in, some of those awards are almost won!
SWL DEATH WATCH PREDICTIONS
You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish for the team that inflicts the highest number of serious injuries and deaths, while suffering the least itself. Didgeridead are head and dusty shoulders above the competition at the moment, having inflicted 9 serious injuries and deaths, and only suffering two in return (both on the same player, in the same match!)
The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish for the team with the highest casualty rate and the lowest number of kills and serious injuries: surprisingly close between Top Trumps, a rookie elf team, and Flack Ork Flockers, who we expected to be meting out the carnage, not having it inflicted upon them. Three hard matches against Khemri, Lizardmen, and ... er. Skaven have left the greenskinned boys black and blue...
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, for the team that damaged the least number of opposing players. We predicted an elf team to be the easy shoe-in for this, but with the Blue Mountain Giants equal on inflicted injuries thus far, it's clear this could be the season to defy all expectations... Will there be a stunty on top by the end of week 7?
Freshly introduced for last season, the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl is a shameful utensil given to the team that provided the least entertainment. Three weeks in and we're shocked to see that Salute of the Jugger have achieved absolutely zip in three weeks. Come on, you monsters, get a move on!
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, for the team that suffered the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else did, looks to be between two Chaos sides: Malice Renegades! and More Food For Thawt, while the third hard hitting Chaos team, everyone's Regional favourites the Real Fake Alternative Facts are out of the running, so far impervious to injury...
The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo awarded to the player who's suffered most this season in the name of Nuffle. A disappointing showing here, as every player who suffered the maximum two injuries by week 3 has died, limiting their ability to collect more points towards the Freddo, with the exception of Walleybudda, and the joke entry, Helmut Wulf.
And of course, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom, which goes to the player responsible for the most deaths this season. 33 players have killed one other player this season, but the shoelaces have already taken 3 lives. It's going to be hard for anyone to catch up with that lead (or persuade Underworld Armour to renew their contract!)
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 07, 2020 - 19:18
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXII WEEK FOUR
"Welcome back to Death Watch, as we review the casualties from week 4. As the exact middle of the season, this is often where fatigue starts to set in, apothecaries begin to lose attention and the crowd has collected enough rocks to get some good Stu Wilsons. As announced last week, we have a special guest, paid for by our sponsors Underworld Armour coming in today to help us review the casualties, one of the foremost legends in the Southern Wastes League and responsible for quite a few broken bones and gouged eyes himself."
"Speaking of which, where is he, Jim?"
"He's a little bit late. I know we're going to see him here sooner or later. So how about we just start with:"
Blood Bowling Is Bad For Your Elf Section
Alkilkith, cast off by Casta Otto. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"Ah, Albert Kill Kith, I remember him well. He ate three of his sisters and half of his dad."
"No you don't, Albert Kill Kith was a murderous troll from the Northern Wastes, not some fop of a pointy eared whelp!"
"Sorry. Easy mistake to make."
Dan Money, went looking for spare change and got pulled apart by the crowd. Wood Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"Bravado are really aiming for the Mr Consistency Award this season, aren't they? Has there been a week when they haven't lost a player?"
"Well, nobody died in their season opener."
"Yeah, Fukuoka and Dan really dodged their certain doom there. On that basis, Artoria Swan is up next."
"I'm already looking forward to it, Jim."
Farquharson Fiacre, completely farqed up by Sakura Hibiki. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"A fiacre fiasco, you could say."
"Not twelve times quickly."
Jalapeno, just a bad taste in the mouth after a hit by Ruffen' Kneeslamm. Elf Blitzer, 18 SPP.
"What's better than an AG5 elf blitzer?"
"Oh, I know this one, Jim... A dead AG5 elf blitzer?"
Willow Rosebark, blocked by Mobad Vaelem. Willow Rosebark, 0 SPP.
"As they say, a rose by any other name ... should be covered up with a sheet."
"That's beautiful, Bob."
Falcon, not returning from an appointment with The Doc. High Elf Catcher, 21 SPP.
"That's quite enough elves for one week, let's get on to something else."
Notlbrob Mitrik, blocked by Dhimvaco Tholnath. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.
"Notlbrob? More like not cut out for a career in Blood Bowl."
"Well, they had to cut him out of the pitch..."
Runt, smashed in by Kharon The Devoted. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 0 SPP.
"Looking at the Did You Know? archive it says here this particular dusty lump was a star in 'Carry On The Devoted', a 'comedy' only two millenia alone, along with Said James, the guttural chortling ex-pugilist and masseuse of great fame."
"A chortling gutter runner?"
"Now look here, Bob, if you don't have any culture, just shut up, don't draw attention to your ignorance!"
McKennen, won't be around again aftet a run-in with Abomination. Human Lineman, 6 SPP.
Spac, got a thwack from Roger Repulsive. Human Blitzer, 2 SPP.
Rize Kamishiro, will never rise again after being sawn in half by Nobbla Blackwart. Necromantic Ghoul, 14 SPP.
Laurie, feeling sorry to meet Ched. Necromantic Werewolf, 8 SPP.
"Now wasn't it just last week we saw Laurie kill somebody?"
"And weren't you telling me there's no such thing as the Curse of the Death Watch?"
"Well, watch and learn, Jim. Watch and learn..."
Moolgrur, given a whole new topping by Boysenberry Swirl. *Chaos Beastman, 2 SPP.
"And that's the second visit for the Curse of the Death Watch this week."
"Again, Bob, there's no such thing as the Curse!"
"How do you explain all those players dying after they kill somebody?"
"What, how do you explain all those Blood Bowl players dying after they go onto the pitch?"
"Well, some players are never going to die. What about our special guest today? He's killed loads of players. You don't just die because you play Blood Bowl!"
"I have to sort of agree with you there Bob. But then I am a vampire."
Scream Soul, silenced by Murdagee. Lizardman Skink, 17 SPP.
Ulric Silentlightning, earthed by Semla. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I'm even more excited than normal, because our helpful sponsors at Underworld Armour have somehow come up with enough cash for another award."
"That looks suspiciously like two bowls filled with smashed eggs, Bob."
"That's right, Jim. The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette is an innovative award, shared by the two teams with the most serious injuries in a single game. That way, even if half your team is in traction, you get some delicious eggs to eat to salve your wounds."
"It's not actually an omelette, then, is it Bob? Not if you haven't bothered to cook it."
"Bah, mere technicalities, Jim. Just feast your eyes on this prize - do you think any one is going to get more than the six amazingly hard hits we saw in the Warpstones/Facts match?"
"I don't know, Bob. There's three weeks to go."
Roxanna Darknail, had her tips split and her varnish ruined by Salamoneus. Chaos Beastman, 8 SPP.
"Starting off with the third victim of the Curse of the Death Watch this week, it was of course the delectable Darknail. Two weeks ago she was jumping up and down on the head of a prone Wardancer, shortly afterwards the coach was boasting about how once she had longer legs she'd be jumping higher than a Slann blitzer, and now the only glass ceiling she'll be bumping her head on is the transparent cover for her coffin."
"That's not a curse, Bob. That's just the inevitable consequences of running into Salamoneus, ten time All Star."
"Speaking of which, where is our favourite two headed horned fish-themed blitzer?"
Kirioth Krakeneye, sent back to the sea forever by Pirithous. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"An unbelievable death toll meted out by the Warpstones once again. Obviously, that's what you expect when a toughened team of veterans runs into a group of rank amateurs pretending to be superstars it's obvious they're not. I'm sure when our special guest arrives in the studio, he can say a few things about the total wipeout those chancers received."
"Yes, Jim, but -"
"Speaking of which, where is our special guest? He's one of the biggest stars the SWL has ever known, currently in ninth place but sure to be going higher up the rankings as his career continues. This season, he's topping the casualty and block charts, and definitely my pick for the bronze knuckles and shield as he leads the team towards another Conference run next season -"
"Jim, he's -"
"He's late, Jim. It's almost the end of the show this week and he's nowhere to be seen."
"Well, he's very late, Jim."
"I know that, Bob, he should have been here half an hour ago to talk us through the casualties."
"I mean, he's right there, Jim."
"On the list."
Salamoneous, double-POW'ed off the pitch by Griff Oberwald. Underworld Blitzer, 291 SPP.
"Well, after a lot of talk about Salamoneous hogging the glory in the All Star dressing room, it's one of those cruel ironies that his team mate was the one who hogged the apothecary. The biggest hit since we've been keeping notes on these things back in SWL LXXVII, and the only bigger deaths in history were Big Daddy Cool (zapped by a lightning bolt) and Emily, every other legend either retired or watched their team give up."
"And what a glorious rat he was while he was around - at least five kills since we've been watching the matches, and too many serious injuries and casualties to count. Definite evidence that the Curse of the Death Watch comes for us all, eventually. And I expect the Trumps, Boncos and the Silverman Gym to all be sending, at the very least, a fruit basket to Griff in thanks for making their upcoming games safer."
"Still, a rat like that doesn't come cheap - rumours are he demanded more than a hundred thousand gold pieces to stick around for this season."
"Well, he's sticking around for as long as it takes the stadium goblins to find the pressure washer and rinse him off the pitch."
"So with Salamoneous out, the question on everyone's minds is: What about Impak?"
"Well, he's already above 300 SPP. He'll need to survive for another 50 games and grab every single MVP he can if he's going to get close to François Englert. And I suggest the Curse is probably hovering ready to take him away from us too."
"Controversial words there, Bob. Before you say anything else atrocious, let's hop over quickly and check in on the End of Season Death Watch Predictions."
"Every week we do this, and one of these weeks we're going to do it right."
In a shock move, the Real Fake Alternative Facts look to be wrestling the You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish away from Didgeridead - both teams are neck on neck on injuries caused, but the Facts have been a bit luckier on how many players they've had to sacrifice - just a couple of dead Beastmen in 4 weeks.
Meanwhile, after the strange appearance of some orcs last week, the world is back to normal with the [b}Brockian Brown Bandits[/b] looking to secure the The You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish with a resounding ten injuries received and only four given out.
The Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves, held onto by a dwarf last week, have now been relinquished, but is it to an elf team, or to Salute of the Jugger, failing to hurt anyone in four weeks, but possibly eyeing up the Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl instead. Don't forget, it's only one prize per team!
"Bob, doesn't that mean the Facts aren't getting the Omelette then?"
"Sssh Jim, give them their moment of glory..."
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon - in a shock call, the judges are suggesting that Didgeridead might get it. They have had the most injuries while injuring more players than anyone else, right now. A bit more decay will clinch this one for the sandy storm of doom...
Difficult to call the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo as most of the players who have been injured twice died the second time around. It's between Lainie Luxovious and Walleybudda right now, but everything to play for in the last three rounds of the season!
And finally, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom. Right now it's the Shoelaces as usual, but Boysenberry Swirl and Kharon The Devoted are both right on its heels!
"Shoelaces don't have heels, Bob."
"Whatever. Let's just line up all the injured players from this week and call it a night."
Joined: Aug 01, 2015
Jul 08, 2020 - 02:29
From the desk of Coach Klazam of the Blood Crag Stripes
"To the curators of the Death Watch, and to Jim & Bob,
Mr. Soul's family is horrified to learn that the Death Watch misidentified him as being a lowly Skink, in addition to not paying him the honor of an obituary.
Their demand is some monetary compensation for their amplified grief and a full and public apology from Jim & Bob.
Funds payable to the Blood Crag Stripes, on their behalf.
Blood Crag Stripes"
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 08, 2020 - 02:39
"Bob! Have you seen this?"
"Some scaly fiend has sneaked out of their terrarium and is sending threatening letters."
"Pinkeye's harmless, and he's not even scaly."
"No, not Pinkeye. Looks like some kind of Lustrian."
"Slann again? Not Toupee Pantechnicon complaining about mispellings?"
"No, Bob. It's those Blood Crag Stripes. They say they want cash."
"Well, we spent all the Underworld Armour money on beer and exotic dancers already."
"Is that why the Death Watch is riddled with errors?"
"Speak for yourself. Look, just put this correction up and I'm sure everyone will be happy."
"You haven't even looked at the letter to figure out which one we got wrong."
"Relax, I'm infebrile."
DEATH WATCH PRODUCTIONS OFFER FULL APOLOGY TO CREAMY COLE
Creamy Cole, put in his place by Murdagee. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 17 SPP.
"To be fair, we didn't see that one coming, but what do you expect from one of those notoriously stealthy lizards?"
"Bit of a porker, wasn't he? Skinks aren't usually that big."
"Lizards taste of chicken, not pork, Bob."
"Well anyway, that should do. Hit publish and we can go to the pub."
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 15, 2020 - 06:00
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXII WEEK FIVE
"Hey Jim, where are the migraine-inducing lights we've come to know and love at the top of the announcement this week?"
"Well Bob, as Underworld Armour have yanked their sponsorship, we can't afford them any more."
"Not to worry, I hear that Ug Boots will be coming in to pay for the prizes at the end of the season. They're not worried about people tripping over shoelaces."
"Exactly - I remember their old slogan, 'Boots You Wouldn't Want To Be Seen Dead In'"
"Anyway, without further ado let's start the Death Watch for the week, and everyone can probably see why we need a new sponsor:"
Underworld Armour Special Edition
With Underworld Armour cancelling their sponsorship of the Death Watch three weeks early, we thought it best to give them a special send off. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses and toast the pride of Blood Bowl, as a brace of reputedly agile players fall flat on their backsides and die:
Snow Pea, melted into nothing after a failed dodge. Wood Elf Thrower, 10 SPP.
Jane Dean, more like Jane Doe after a failed dodge. Wood Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.
Vincent Hideousstone, an orc of superlative litheness and grace, and ... died failing a dodge. Orc Lineman, 2 SPP.
Mr Consistency Awards
The Business Man, put out of business forever by Dhimvaco Tholnath. Nurgle Pestigor, 13 SPP.
Two kills in two weeks for the plucky Harlequin."
"That's right, Jim. I hope he washed his hands otherwise the Curse could be on to him..."
"Speaking of cursed teams, it seems like every week there's another ex-Bravado player gracing our presence. Like, for example:"
Fink Uzthug, think he's been unplugged by Bharkhak Stonefist. Wood Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"For all the controversy about those fake superstars playing for the Facts, they never stripped an orc of his clothes and made him pretend to be an elf, did they? People say Uzthug was Stonefisted to death but I reckon he died of embarassment."
"Both of those things can be true, Bob..."
Role Reversal Foul Play Edition
Pew Tickler, not laughing after a boot from Tania, the Blademistress. Goblin , 6 SPP.
"What is the world coming to, ladies fouling goblins? I swear, this never happened when the Scoundrels were around..."
"Speaking of ground blitzes, there goes the Didgeridead captain with another multi-footed tackle..."
Scyrkhy Darkbone, fouled by Tebec. Chaos Pact Marauder, 8 SPP.
"Didgeridead? More like 'Didja see them kicking that poor guy?' The dusty chaps are topping out the fouling stats this season..."
"Too right. I'm just glad you didn't say that Tebec -"
"I was afraid you'd say that..."
Taoldech Burningflaw, extinguished by Moolyarl. Chaos Pact Ogre, 37 SPP.
"Well, he had a few burning flaws exposed by the big Tomb Guardian, didn't he?"
Juice "Jet" WRLD, blocked by Kirin Trollreaver. Necromantic Zombie, 0 SPP.
"Nothing to say about that, Bob?"
"What, not 'Juice got squeezed'? 'Leaving "Jet" on a plain, won't be coming back again?"
"Jim, it was another defenceless rookie zombie. Let it die again with some respect..."
"Speaking of respect, wasn't it last week we got in trouble for not remembering the names of lizards properly?"
"Yup, and we're making up for it this week with:"
Mobad Lundurn, cut into a dozen tiny pieces that apparently all taste like chicken by Ugroth Bulgrot. Lizardman Saurus, 34 SPP.
"And finally, this is what Blood Bowl is all about. The siren call of the ever lovely chainsaw. So bad for Mobad, but he's got a few brothers left to get revenge..."
"Clearly the Jugger have been paying attention. We complained last week that they haven't been contributing enough, and I'm happy to see them take up the challenge. Now, onto this week's review of the Curse."
"There is no Curse, Bob!"
"Then how do you explain all of these:"
Prince Moranion, 1 kill. Groin Strain
Fliff Funston, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Big T, 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Mobad Lundurn, 1 kill. Dead
Mobad Namimdigr, 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Brown Tooth Beldon, 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Boots, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle
Taoldech Burningflaw, 1 kill. Dead
Blemoa The Menace, 3 kills. Broken Neck
Ruffen' Kneeslamm, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Volos Jonasson, 1 kill. Groin Strain
"Nothing but another regular week in the Southern Wastes, Bob. Now get me the parade of injured players for this week and we can get some dinner."
"You're going to eat injured players for dinner?"
"That's an idea..."
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 23, 2020 - 02:13
SWL DEATH WATCH SEASON LXXXII WEEK SIX
"Better late than never."
"Well, all the players end up late eventually, Bob."
"No, I meant we're behind schedule with the Week Six results, Jim, due to some late games being played when we should already be collecting the maiming for Week Seven."
"You always were a sickler."
"Don't you mean a stickler?"
"No, a sickler. I remember seeing you waving crescent shaped farming tools at people you didn't like since a long time ago."
"Well, enough of these digressions, let's look at the..."
CURSE OF THE DEATH WATCH
Murdagee, 1 kill. Broken Ribs and Serious Concussion.
Moolyarl, 6 kills. Fractured Leg.
Elmer "Foodie" McCol, 1 kill. Groin Strain (after some clown in the crowd with a weak arm tried for the Stu Wilson award).
And last but not least, and handily leading us into the regular programming:
Scabby, 1 kill. Dead. Picked off and thrown in the bin by Malivore. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
"Now will you accept there's a Curse, Jim?"
"The only curse I can think of is I'm cursed to hear you talking about this every week! What kind of curse leaves Murdagee double-busted after only one kill, and lets Moolyarl off with a week's holiday when he's killed six players?"
"Exactly. Now let's stop talking about curses and players who achieved little more in their careers apart from dying, and get to some more glamourous deaths!"
Zippy, left permanently undone by Bird's Eye. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Howard Truefire, nothing more than a frog in the throat of Ian. Slann Lineman, 0 SPP.
Teldthage, overlooked forever by Carson. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well, that telled him."
Mark, or as he's now known, 'Stain', wiped out by Borrl. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
The Patient, received dubious medical treatment from MacDunno. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.
Niall Nealon, bashed to bits by Alecto Carrow. Dark Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
"Ironically, Neil Kneel-on has nothing left to kneel on since he lost his knees."
"Not Neil Kneel-on, Niall Nealon!"
"Non Nylon? That's a no-no!"
Leroy Silenttree, permanently shut up by Mobad Glakuarn. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Mobad, mo' problems, as I always say."
"I've heard you say that precisely zero times in the past, Bob."
Michael De Vere, blocked by Illamanb the Magnificent. Norse Lineman, 2 SPP.
"De Vere not here?"
Sycamore, shedded by Machio Naruzo. Wood Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.
"More like papier mache armour!"
"And after my request for players who'd achieved something, finally, here are the skilled players that left us this week... Are you playing the circus clown music on your kazoo again, Bob?"
"I'm just trying to bring the right atmosphere of solemnity to this, Jim."
"When you say the right atmosphere, I assume you've farted."
Graham Higgins, fouled by Khezhan. High Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.
"When I said solemnity, Jim, I didn't think those amateurish professionals were going to try to sneak another joke name onto their roster!"
"To be fair, he's not ever going to try to sneak onto a roster again..."
Horrify Rip, ripped off by Frankie the Mouse. Lizardman Skink, 16 SPP.
"To be quite frank, I'm horrified you ripped off that pun from earlier in this show."
"Let's face it, everyone wants to be Frank."
Honey, spread all over the pitch by Brojah. Undead Ghoul, 48 SPP.
"Always sweet when that happens, isn't it?"
"I will admit to feeling a bit of a buzz from honey."
"Does that mean you're one of those long forgotten Bumblebeemen?"
Half hour of programming lost to long debate about Pale Stunty article from 50 years ago...
Chocolate Fish, gobbled up and spat out by Tyzusk the Wreckage. Wood Elf Wardancer, 56 SPP.
"The 'Fish went squish!"
"I know Bravado will be sorry to see him go, but nobody else will be."
"Exactly. Nobody wants to meet an AG4 ST4 opponent."
"Consider the Mighty Zug warned..."
Eldril Sidewinder, run over by a Ferrari. Eldril Sidewinder, 0 SPP.
"Didn't exactly sidewind his way out of that, did he?"
"Exactly. It's rare that we see an elf die in the league -"
"- Well, no more than they deserve, anyway!"
"- but with that, we've finished up the deaths for this week. Let's just line up all the broken bodies from this week into a big mound, and then we can start work on the grand prize draw for next week!"
Joined: Oct 12, 2013
The SWL LXXXII Team Achievements
Turns (1203): MacHumburgers
Completions (28): Piquante Peppers
TDs (15): Hаrlequins & Covid 6
Cas (27): Real Fake Alternative Facts
SPP (123): Mutated Antagonists
Passing yards (86): Top Trumps
Rushing yards (309): Mutated Antagonists
Blocks (349): Crazy Beard Express
Fouls (43): High Lords of Undeath
Blocks/Cas (14.6): Real Fake Alternative Facts
Pass/Cp (8.6): Top Trumps
Kills (4): An Illustrious Career, Real Fact Alternative Facts & High Lords of Undeath
Turns (1112): Malice Renegades!
Completions (13): Sheargrove Harriers & Haunted All-Sorts
TDs (17): Cult of the Firedrake
Cas (26): Didgeridead
SPP (123): Cult of the Firedrake
Passing yards (71): Haunted All-Sorts
Rushing yards (293): Didgeridead
Blocks (358): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (43): Redgum's Repugnance
Blocks/Cas (10.1): Trondheim Hammers
Pass/Cp (5.6): Brockian Brown Bandits
Kills (5): Didgeridead
Turns (1153): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (26): Amateur Professionals
TDs (17): Amateur Professionals
Cas (31): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (132): Bronzed Raiders & Amateur Professionals
Passing yards (153): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (259): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (378): Cold Rock
Fouls (38): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (12.4): More Food for Thawt
Pass/Cp (5.9): Amateur Professionals
Kills (4): Cold Rock
The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Ian (Trondheim Hammers) & Semla (Bun Dead) 16 spp
The SWL Season LXXXII Awards
Vilgorgun (Hаrlequins) 9 TDs
Griff Oberwald (Real Fake Alternative Facts) 8 cas
Bel-Gedir The Powerful (Hаrlequins) & Dull (Crazy Beard Express) & Grit (Crazy Beard Express)113 turns
GLaDOS (Mutated Antagonists) 162 rushing yards
Donald Trump (Top Trumps) 62 pass yards
Alduin (Mutated Antagonists) 16 fouls
Bel-Gedir The Powerful (Hаrlequins) 76 blocks
Poblano (Piquante Peppers) 15 cps
Imrawi Valkeri (Hаrlequins) 5 block/cas
Donald Trump (Top Trumps) 10.34 pass/cp
Vilgorgun (Hаrlequins) 34 SPP
Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) 12 TDs
Frankie the Mouse (Brockian Brown Bandits) & Muffin (Bloody Sphynxes) & Semla (Bun Dead) & Ian (Trondheim Hammers)8 cas
Seven players tied - we've run out of silver hearts, sorry 111 turns
Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) 251 rushing yards
Teddy (Haunted All-Sorts) 57 pass yards
Tebec (Didgeridead) 29 fouls
Frankie the Mouse (Brockian Brown Bandits) 75 blocks
Teddy (Haunted All-Sorts) 11 cps
Skrogg Stonefist (Malice Renegades!) 2.75 block/cas
Slartibartfast the Architect (Brockian Brown Bandits) 8 pass/cp
Niabatteroo (Didgeridead) 36 SPP
Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 8 TDs
Tyzusk The Wreckage (More Food for Thawt) & Bharkhak Stonefist (Bronzed Raiders) 7 cas
Kirin Trollreaver (Blue Mountain Giants) 114 turns
Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 208 rushing yards
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 158 pass yards
Khezhan (Bronzed Raiders) 29 fouls
Chocolate Fish (Bravado) 73 blocks
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 18 cps
Bharkhak Stonefist (Bronzed Raiders) 7.15 block/cas
Dave Loveridge (Amateur Professionals) 8.78 pass/cp
Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 25 SPP
Last edited by ramchop on Jul 28, 2020 - 21:29; edited 1 time in total
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 28, 2020 - 20:25
SWL DEATH WATCH LXXXII WEEK SEVEN
Dangers in the workplace: Work Experience edition
Fredrick Hideousshield, ironically split in two by Banana Split. Wood Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
Raysdan Bartram, turned into a corpse by Corpse. Vampire Thrall, 2 SPP.
"That's just intentionally confusing."
"Intestinally confusing, more like? Did you see them trying to stuff his guts back in after that block?"
Calybe, celebrated Die-day with Sam Thaiday. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.
"Caly-bye-bye more like."
Simon III, Block by Skrogg Stonefist. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Hopefully that's the only stupid name we have to put up with this week."
"Right, with all the inexperienced players out of the way, let's look at the deaths of players who'd got as far as learning at least one skill..."
Walleybudda, unmade by Strinder the Lamuellan Tool Maker. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 12 SPP.
"One of the things I love about decaying players is seeing them suffer being badly hurt after they've died."
"Well, to be fair that's at least the second time Walleybudda has died. Once in his lifetime, once in his unlifetime."
Silver Cough, nothing more than a muffled wheeze after taking a hit from Semla. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 9 SPP.
"The cough is off!"
"Well, that rhymes, Bob. Not sure I can see the point of you saying it."
"Well, it's hard to see the point of Chameleon Skinks."
"Don't you mean it's hard to see Chameleon Skinks?"
GOING FOR THE DOUBLE
St Bernard, written down by The Accountant. Goblin Troll, 17 SPP.
"Aren't trolls meant to be able to regenerate, Bob?"
Bull Mastiff, extinguished by The Firefighter. Goblin Troll, 34 SPP.
"Aren't trolls meant to be able to regenerate, Bob?"
"I heard you the first time!"
"Bull Mastiff didn't, did he?"
"Anyway, as a Big Guy myself, I'm glad that's all the Big Guys done this week."
Teddy the Teddening II, unteddened by Muffin. Human Ogre, 18 SPP.
"Yes, that's what happens when you're called Teddy and your tendons get pulled out of you through your nostrils."
"Yuck! How does he smell?"
Robert Belcher, burped on Muffin. Human Blitzer, 9 SPP.
"Somebody really needs to butter Muffin up a bit. He's turned awful violent and angry recently."
"I'm not putting anything from Nurgle near my mouth, thank you very much."
Skitter Stab-Stab, just not fast enough to escape Cheetah. Skitter Stab-Stab, 0 SPP.
"Another in the long line of Star Players to die on the pitch in the SWL."
"When you say long line, do you mean the eighteen foot brown streak left behind by Skitter?"
Chevelle, sent to hell by Diablo. High Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"Yet another High Elf, brought very low..."
Alytes Obstetricans II, put in the deep freeze by Floyd Da Fridge. Slann Blitzer, 36 SPP.
"This is no place for obstetricians, Jim!"
"Or frogs with incredibly long names. Did you know we've had three goblins retire with repetitive strain injury trying to log all those Slann this season?"
Roger Repulsive, repulsed by Jull. Nurgle Pestigor, 36 SPP.
"Funnily enough, I was going to say he got rogered repulsively there."
"I'm glad you didn't. This is a family show, after all."
"The Manson family?"
"Huh? Weren't they a band of travelling minstrels from Albion?"
Blacknails V, forced to drink something horrible from Kullo Ironflagon. Chaos Beastman, 8 SPP.
"Nails? Screwed, more like."
"Well, that's only the second Blacknails to die on the field (Blacknails III was put out to pasture after getting a fractured skull.)"
Scorri Burnseeker, feeling the burn at last after being broken by Haldir Axebreaker. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 47 SPP.
Feels like deja vu all over again award
We started this season with the first Rat Ogre death in recorded history. What nicer way to end than with the end of:
Aargol Baargool, fell over his own shoelaces dodging out. Skaven Rat Ogre, 26 SPP.
"But didn't he have Break Tackle?"
"He had something broken there, for sure."
"Now how about the end of season awards, Bob?"
"Hold on a minute - I've got this line of injured players from this week in the way. Let me push them aside first, and then put up the bunting, and then we can get down to the serious business of the Death Watch Awards!"
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 28, 2020 - 21:27
SWL DEATH WATCH AWARDS SEASON LXXXII
Despite Underworld Armour terminating their sponsorship part way through this season due to continuing bad press around Shoelaces, we've scraped together enough cash to provide some more exceptional trophies for the teams that made Blood Bowl as bloody as it could be this season. So without further ado, let's go with:
The You Can't Make An Omelette Without Breaking A Few Eggs Omelette is presented jointly to the Real Fake Alternative Facts and Styx and Warpstones. The 'Stones were on a brief trip to the Reggies this season, planning to bounce back up after destroying the opposition. The Facts were hoping for a draw, but if they couldn't get that, then the manglers of the Regionals were intent on at least breaking a few players. The biggest scalp[s] of the BB16 era, Salamoneous, now displayed in the Facts trophy room, was only one of six serious injuries inflicted in that game (and we're not counting the hit on Tantalus that could have ended the long-legged rat's career before the apo stepped in to save him). Although it was Griff Oberwald that took down Salamoneous, it's worth remembering that it took him the rest of the season to exceed the number of casualties that the two-headed monster-mouse inflicted in just four games, in order to win this season's Brass Knuckles. With three dead and three serious injured, that's one big omelette to feast upon!
The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish was tied between Didgeridead and the Real Fake Alternative Facts, with 16 deaths and serious injuries apiece. After long discussion, the dusty ones from the desert get to take the Dish home, after outkilling the Facts by 5 deaths to 4.
"A lot of shouting from the Facts in protest there, Bob!"
"That's right - they seem to be waving bits of a rodent in the air and claiming they got more Star Player Points than the 'Dead did."
"Points? What do they think this is, some sort of game?"
Meanwhile, the You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish is another tie, this time between Bravado and the Brockian Brown Bandits, both on 14 injuries sustained this season. And it looks like the wood elves are taking the Dish home tonight, after the judges pointed out they had exactly half the kills and serious injuries that the Bandits inflicted. A deserved, if controversial win for Bravado!
The Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl , goes to MacHumburgers. for contributing only 7 casualties for and against through the entire season. This has always been the damp underpants of the Death Watch, reminding us that the fans came to see casualties, and if you're too thick-skulled to be hurt yourself, you still need to contribute by breaking some other players. Hoping for a higher casualty count from the Dwarfs next season!
In a shock, the Delicately My Dear Kid Gloves goes to Big Boys Who Don't Block, who although they managed a casualty in every match, couldn't force any of their opponents to miss even one game through injury or death.
The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon - it looked like Didgeridead were in with a chance of stealing the cannon, and then the High Lords of Undeath also made their claim, but the most damaged, damaging team this season were Bun Dead, hurting a highly appropriate baker's dozen players and taking 5 in return.
Walleybudda clinched the Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo by dying in the last game of the season. Bit of a disappointing run this time around, as he got two injuries in the first game of the season and then waited to the end to collect his third. Hopefully next season we'll have a few more players aiming for a perfect four injuries.
We made you wait for this one, but the What Took You So Long Digital Watch for the team that took the longest time to provide us with a death was a four-way split between the Fowlers, Didgeridead, Lab Rat Elysium and Death to all Biggies. As is tradition, the Lab Rats aren't allowed to go home with any prizes, Didgeridead already have the Dish, and despite Death to all Biggies providing a spectacular double-troll death in the final week of the season, fillers aren't winners, so the Federated Fowlers take the watch with a stern warning not to make us wait so long next season!
And finally, the Terrifying Chamberpot Of Certain Doom. New rules this season ban inanimate objects from winning the Chamberpot, but that opened up another controversy. Boysenberry Swirl, Semla, Kharon The Devoted and Dhimvaco Tholnath all got two kills this season. However, there's no 'Everything He Hits He Destroys' Busted Rocky IV Video Cassette award for three of those players to fight over, and so Semla clinches it with 3 serious injuries on top of his kills.
Socrates and Pinkeye Growthspurt, leaders of the Death Watch Prize Committee, announced that there should be a special prize for Bravado for consistently sacrificing a wood elf to the wood chipper every week, but (a) there's nothing left down the back of the sofa apart from some insulting fluff and (b) it looks like Bravado missed a death in one week this season. For now, the Dish will have to be the trophy they take home.
Joined: Aug 10, 2018
Jul 29, 2020 - 18:25
Death Watch Awards Apology
On behalf of the Death Watch committee, Pinkeye Growthspurt would like to apologise to Muffin for being excluded from the Terrifying Chamberpot of Certain Doom.
As has been pointed out, Muffin also bagged two kills this season, along with three serious injuries, but due to a clerical error by one of the statistical goblins, his name was written down wrong on a form and he was excluded from the calculations. As Muffin killed more players with the Guard skill, he should have been awarded the prize, as per subsection 18c/01 of the Serious Fun Rules.
But, as the Chamberpot has already been presented, and the Death Watch is too scared to try to retrieve it from the incredibly strong hands of Semla, they've decided to offer Muffin a choice of complimentary commemorative coins from SWL LXXXI, a keyring and some more fluff, and will get him a new prize as soon as they can.
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Aug 03, 2020 - 07:29
Bronzed Raiders Announce Inaugural Hall Of Bronze Inductee
Welcome to the first Hall of Bronze ceremony, where we'll see the first on the 5 inductee's to be announced this week.
We're here today, in part, thanks to the Sponsorship of Hashut's Brewery, and their Infernal Ale, which quenches any post concussion thirst. It is also the Bronzed Raiders official Ale. Drink responsibly, and at all times.
Players, past and present, are currently arriving right now, we've just seen Torduken and his groupies arriving, and his fellow Championship teammates have been sighted as well. I believe that was Khezhan just walking past us, you can pick him out by his boots, special order and hand crafted by the Goblin Weapons Guild.
I believe we will also see Moark in attendance tonight, the lone Minotaur to ever play with the Bronzed Raiders. You may remember his short lived career was cut short, after the team owners realised how expensive it was to feed such a large Minotaur. The team had unsuccessfully petitioned the Southern Wastes League for extra funding, citing marginalised minorities in BLood Bowl these days.
Right, i believe they're just about start the presentation. This is Zharta, crossing you over to the main stage.
Welcome all, this is our Inaugural Hall of Bronze. We'll be announcing 5 inductee's in the lead up to the Season. Our first inductee, a foundation member of the Raiders, caused the first casualty, and scored the second touchdown ever for the team. Playing for 35 games over 5 seasons, scoring 31 times with 788 rushing yards. He also managed 2 completions, 7 casualties and was voted best on field twice, all up earning 119 Star Player Points. While not being able to win the Championship, he was part of the Raiders first Premier campaign, earning the Xies-ler-aym Slipper for most rushing yards in Premier.
It is our honor to announce that our Inaugural Inductee to the Bronzed Raiders Hall of Bronze is none other than Taur'ruk.
Now unfortunately, Taur'ruk couldn't make it tonight, he had commitments as the Touchdown Coach for the wood elf team Silver Birches.
Thanks for joining us tonight, we'll be back to announce our next inductee's later this week.
Joined: Oct 18, 2013
Aug 04, 2020 - 02:52
Do you want to add more excitement to spectating SWL? Have you ever wondered how many SPP your team would get if Impak and Niabatteroo? After a 7 season absence, the SWL Fantasy league is back! Hosted by the adorable former pugs, Chocolate and Strawberry...
Strawberry: And doesn't it feel AMAZEBALLS to be in the spotlight again! What a great way to spend our retirement, don't you think?
Chocolate: I'd much rather be on the pitch... It's a good thing mushoomy isn't a postman... or a squirrel... grrrrr
Strawberry: Great enthusiasm to kick things off Chocolate. Let's get into what the Fantasy League is!
What is it?
The SWL Fantasy League is a fun way to add extra excitement to spectating SWL. It is a way to compete with fellow coaches by creating fantasy teams out of your favourite players in SWL.
How it works:
-You have a 1200 budget to select players from SWL Season 83 teams. A player's total cost is their positional price plus their skill cost. WTR cost is not included.
-You may spend 1250 on your team if you include a big guy on your roster. A big guy includes Trolls, Ogres, Mummies Etc. This number does not increase if you were to choose more than one big guy.
-Rosters must have between 11 and 16 players
-Only one player from each SWL team. For example, you cannot have two players from Concussion Protocol.
-Maximum of one position type per race. This means you are unable to get 2 Skaven Gutter Runners, but you may get 1 Skaven Gutter Runner and 1 Underworld Gutter Runner. (Yes, that means if you wish, you can field 4 types of goblin!)
-Players must not be hired if they have earned spp in Season 83 of SWL. This means any player that has earned spp in season 83 is ineligible for your fantasy team.
-You may not choose a player from your own SWL team. This is to ensure full focus on SWL. This also means if you are not currently an SWL player, you may still participate in the Fantasy League.
-MVP's are not included in SPP Total.
Strawberry: The team that has earned the most SPP by the end of the season will be crowned the champ of the Fantasy League and will take back the Fantasy Cup and unlimited bragging rights.
Chocolate: Please PM mushoomy your fantasy teams ASAP. Deadline is THE END OF ROUND 1 OF SWL. In your PM, please use this format:
Player Name - Cost - Team - Race + Position - Player ID
Chocolate: Please note that teams are currently undergoing rebuy process. Some obvious picks may want to retire. Be aware of this and check the rebuy link to see whether the player you want, wants to retire or not.
Strawberry: Let's hope we have a successful Fantasy season! Otherwise mushoomy may put us down for good....
Season 66: Budget of 1500, No Big Guy bonus, Must have 1 player from your own team, MVP's included
Winner: Manzoo - 203spp in 71
Runner-Up: Karnov - 186spp in 70
Wooden Spoon: D_Arquebus - 99spp in 58
Season 67: Own player ruling excluded, Not allowed to choose your own players
Winner: m0gw41 - 173spp in 68 games
Runner-Up: Tomay - 152spp in 63 games
Wooden Spoon: Manzoo - 93spp in 64 games
Season 68: 50k Big Guy bonus introduced, excluded mvp's, FortisBot was created
Winner: Tussock - 159spp in 64 games
Runner-Up: Balle2000 - 134spp in 66 games
Wooden Spoon: Redgum - 88spp in 56 games
Season 69: No new changes
Winner: Mushoomy - 169spp in 68 games
Runner-Up: Balle2000 - 164spp in 73 games
Wooden Spoon: Relezite - 69spp in 57 games
Season 70: No new changes
Winner: Mushoomy - 152spp in 66 games
Runner-Up: Tussock - 144spp in 65 games
Wooden Spoon: Pdarbs - 69spp in 67 games
Season 71: No Fantasy League due to the redraft
Season 72: Budget of 1100
Winner: Jevouse - 148spp in 63 games
Runner-Up: Tussock - 127spp in 66 games
Wooden Spoon: Pdarbs - 72spp in 57 games
Season 73: Budget of 1150, FortisBot officially broken
Winner: JPM - 166spp in 75 games
Runner-Up: Mushoomy - 125spp in 69 games
Wooden Spoon: Sharper - 72spp in 64 games
Season 74: Budget of 1200
Winner: Ramchop - 178spp in 69 games
Runner-Up: Mushoomy - 146spp in 75 games
Wooden Spoon: Pdarbs - 59spp in 72 games
Season 75: Teams may now have 11 - 16 players
Winner: Mushoomy - 162spp in 68 games
Runner-Up: Daudy - 156spp in 74 games
Wooden Spoon: Nebula753 - 47spp in 61 games