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MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 05, 2021 - 06:38 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL All Stars LXXXVI

Rumours of the apocalypse have been greatly exaggerated; despite persistent predictions that the Second Coming of Nuffle would destroy Armorical Football as we know it, his reappearance seems to have been delayed, to the embarrassment of various millennial cults that had sprung up, claiming elfball was over/blocking was nerfed/giant ratmen exist. Although the possibility of a plague of frogs on pogo sticks can never be dismissed outright, it seems the Southern Wastes will have a few more matches played before the high priests change all the rules forever. In celebration of this, the All Star Committee have stopped stuffing Salamoneous' corpse with sawdust for a few days, confiscated Pinkeye Growthspurt's precious crayons, and arrested the gnome impresario who had been claiming the top Dark Elves in the league had quit to form a musical troupe called Groovy Dynasty. Guaranteeing no further delays or disruption, and after an awful lot of hairpulling and chair throwing, we proudly present to you the SWL LXXXVI All Stars, eleven of the greatest thrillers, killers, and mechanical drillers the Wastes have ever seen!

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Impak responded to the demise of his old friend, and very long time team-mate, Happy Dancer, the only way he knows, by continuing his outstanding season of killing fools and scoring mad points. A massive 8 TDs and 7 Casualties, all-but destroying three teams all on his own, with only the troll-slaying Giants and all-round brutal Stripes holding him out. He's put himself up for another season, huge retain fees, who wouldn't pay out for that sort of magic?! Dsspite protestations from the pointy-eared contingent that the orc with the heart of gold (and the knuckledusters of mithril) shouldn't be captain, Impak got the vote, especially as we haven't had such a mean, green monster leading the All Stars for quite some time...

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Initially a surprising choice for the line of scrimmage, Krycek is quite the smallest of the three players on the line, and although those spots are usually held for big guys with hearts of gold and fists of stone, this lineman put the boot into so many downed players this season that he had to get an All-Star scroll. 25 fouls is more than most teams make in a season, and having smashed two knees in SWL LXXXVI, Krycek led the Fowlers to the Premiership, where we expect he'll carry on stamping as long as he possibly can.

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Is there anything left to be said about Manshape Gutwart? Ladyshape, Girlshape and Babyshape (not to mention Happy Dancer) all failed to outlast the most professional troll still alive in the Southern Wastes, and having been persuaded out of semi-retirement to help out with a few impromptu matches this season, he still managed to do more blocks in six games than any other player managed in seven. With only three casualties this season, some cynics suggest he's losing his touch, but unlike his colleague Uncleshape, at least he's never eaten one of his own teammates. (At least, not on the pitch.)

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If there's one thing that Mobad Namimdigr hates, it's linemen; this season he killed two linemen and seriously injured four more (well, Jóreiðr Kollsveinns was just a lineman who'd learned the joys of frenzy, right?). Whether his placement on the line for the All Stars was a prank, in the hope of the crowd getting to see some of their beloved internal conflict at the presentation, or serious because of his division leading block and casualty rate, or the gleam of the Touchstone Heart proving that 90% of success is turning up more than everyone else can, nobody in their right mind is going to argue with the Tlaxltan Terror. Could we be looking a eleven lizards in the All Stars next season?

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From a bath of blood to an actual blood bath when the initial team roster was published, Kindra Voidrunner has been a firm fan favourite throughout her career with the 'Dynasty. Things turned nasty when the committee suggested that Cheetah would be captain ("he's already had it!") or Impak ("he's a has-been") but the malefic maiden was mollified when the frightened officials pointed out the Duke Snakefield trophy is far more impressive. And what an impression Voidrunner made this season, with ten casualties from 67 blocks, on top of the stack of SPP she harvested while not tearing the hearts from players' chests.

With the Dynasty vanishing faster than Nikk Three-horn with the Darkside Cowboys cheerleading squad, there'll always be a question about whether these elves would have done a double in the Premier, but there's no mystery about how successful Voidrunner would have been if she'd continued.*

* Rumours that she's decided to leave retirement in order to coach a sevens team of halflings in the Naggarond Very Little League are as yet unsubstantiated

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Avoiding the All Stars Curse, Cheetah continued to amaze and frustrate opponents in equal measure. People claim an AG5 elf is only good for prancing around, but the pointy eared cool cat was spotted putting the hurt on just as many players as he scored touchdowns. An ugly tussle with his fellow elf (as reported elsewhere) almost had him denied the captaincy, but a few polite words from Socrates, grand old man of the committee, kept everyone straight. Muttering continues that the era of elfball is at an end, but we expect great things are still to come as Cheetah gives everyone else paws for thought.

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Herbad Ith and Aeneas both qualified for the All Stars by scoring 9 touchdowns apiece. They're very different creatures; one is a repulsive, weedy little thing with cold blood and scales ... and the other is a lizard. While Aeneas' natural pace allowed him to zoom to a league-leading 163 yards rushing, the stunty with the golden hands was only 9 yards behind him. With Ith's pace even better than that of Aeneas, some pundits have suggested there's funny goings-on in the Cult of the Firedrake, but surely that's just religious prejudice against lizardmen. If neither of these attractively squishy players get stamped to death in the next season, we'd expect at least one of them to attain Legendary status before the season is up.

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Dwarfs are like buses, the old proverb goes; dirty, smelly, and you wait ages and then two come along at once. Hilbor Bronzecarver put the lie to that last bit by waiting until Torgan Silvermead was dead before starting to show there was more than one long legged dwarf who was capable of executing the Giants' running game. As already pointed out, you don't get to the All Stars for scoring touchdowns unless you can do nine of them, and that's precisely what Bronzecarver carved out of the Conferences this season. Another headlong charge by the Dwarfs to the top of the League next season? We wouldn't rule it out with this surprisingly long-legged shortarse in the mix...

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As we've complained, it's just typical that, given the ball, an elf's first instinct is to throw it away, usually to another pointy-eared fop. Maybe the long-heralded rule changes from the NAF, intended to make lineelfs behave more like orcs for a change, will put a stop to this nonsense. But it'll be too late to prevent the lamentably named David Kirk from throwing the ball more than 120 yards this season, averaging more than 2 completions per game. Jim and Bob continue to make noises about these elves and their eccentric names, but their complaints are nothing in the face of that ball throwing skill.

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Finally, as we draw to the end of the presentation, you might be wondering about that persistent tick-tick-ticking noise? That's the metronomically murderous sound of Cronus slaughtering his way to a second consecutive All Star scroll. 12 casualties in the typically robust setting of the Premiership demonstrate once more why this little rat is to be feared. A near-constant contributor to the death watch in LXXVI, Cronus killed a hobgoblin, pinched an elf's nerves, seriously concussed a gutter runner and, er, strained the groin of a big lizard Still not quite filling the enormous, and disgusting, boots of the dearly departed Salamoneous, but it won't be much longer before there's a new candidate for the Greatest Mutant Rat of the Warpstones.... (spoiler alert, it's probably never going to be a Rat Ogre....)

Who's going to be an All Star this season? Does your team have what it takes? Bring your meek, bring your weak, bring your players with jaws of teak, and see who can challenge to be the superest of all superstars!

(And in the meantime, check out the constellations illuminating the wastes right now...)

LXXVI All Stars
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins

LXXXVI Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Ender Espisay,
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Bruiser, Crazy Beard Express
Elon Laissez-Faire, Druchii Dynasty
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz

LXXXVI Conference Stars
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Murder Thunder, Blood Crag Stripes
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Lumuma, Cold Rock
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Tuck Longbarrel, Blue Mountain Giants
Khograhk Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders

LXXXVI Rising Stars
Banba Tricus, Eternal Widowmakers
Bruialground Berewick, Play Fetch
Fraulein Wird Nicht Aufhören zu Hüpfen, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Diamond Handz, Tuff Gitz
Edda Thomin, Eternal Widowmakers
Eurclea Fearlock, Eternal Widowmakers
Manshape Gutwort, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Femme Fatale, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
One Point Five, Social Distance
Lucky for Some, Bingo at the Bowlo

The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat. With the Norseman returning to studying some kind of eldritch arts, there's room for new blood (or vampires) on the committee - all applicants welcome!

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MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 19, 2021 - 07:07 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Four

"A week late and a dollar short, as they say, Bob."
"Don't you mean weak, late, and Dolfar Longstride is short?"
"Don't confuse him with a dwarf, Bob. Anyway, let's rush through these before anyone notices how tardy we've been..."


Image Puerto Escondido, puckered up by Wolfgang Puck. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Nothing much to say about a rookie rat, is there...?"

Image Herbad Fer, doesn't like the taste of Chocolate. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Always good to see Lizardmen beating each other up for a change."
"Do you think they think they taste like chicken?"


Image Waffle, wafflestomped by Mobad Namimdigr. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 66 SPP.
"We don't often see a Chameleon Skink die, do we?"
"Yeah, it's odd that. Couldn't possibly say why."


Image Flower Angry, rearranged into a new display by an exploding bouquet flung by the eternal bridesmaid, Bomber Dribblesnot. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.

Image Twitbooble, squished into a foul and disgusting stain by Murder Thunder. Ogre Gnoblar, 2 SPP.
"Well we didn't see that coming."
"Twitbooble certainly didn't!"


Image Kevin Whitehammer, nailed by Marrakhi Daemonfire. Norse Lineman, 3 SPP.
"That negligent negligee-wearing Norseman must be feeling the burn!"
"What, from the sun?
"No, from Daemonfire!"
"Jim, you know I'm the one who does the laboured puns..."


Image Grant Fox, not so fantastic after a run-in with Zanni. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image La Signora, Block by Craig Green. Elf Thrower, 18 SPP.
"They say it's not over til the fat lady sings... well, she was making some kind of awful racket when that elf with the made-up name hit her, but the show's over now..."

Image Salah ad-Din, now just a has-been after being sermonised by Reverend Boyle de Feathers. Underworld Thrower, 4 SPP.

Image Nobody ever tuned in to see Wogan with as much Enthusiasm as that. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"It's come to this, Bob?"
"What?"
"We're making obscure references to cabalvision chatshows from Albion that were last broadcast three decades ago?"
"Looks like it... Although technically speaking, it's only been 29 years."
"Bob, I'm speechless."
"I wish."


Image Taj Burrow, left underground by Loranda Hagborn. Elf Blitzer, 3 SPP.
"'Burrow'? Sure his first name isn't 'Warren'? How many more joke names are those elves going to try to sneak past us?"

Image Arturo Sanchez, suffered from too much Mayhem. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Er..."

Image Errol Flynn, did a lot of derring-do, now more like derring-don't after a hit from Malice Bleakheart. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"As they say, 'in like Flynn'."
"'In the ground like Flynn', I think you'll find..."
"Well, as a rookie elf he certainly made a big impression."
"On the turf."


Well, that was quite a lot of deaths to be getting on with."
"Don't forget the curse, Jim!"
"There's no curse Bob!"
"Ha! Tell that to:"


Image Steel Wind, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Murder Thunder, 3 kills. Gouged Eye
Image Kullo Ironflagon, 2 kills. Serious Concussion
Image Úlfar Úlfarson, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Leigh Diffey, 1 kill. Fractured Skull

"With the best intention, Bob, you can't possibly blame five minor head injuries on a curse. What are we, Khemri tomb raiders?"
"If you refuse to believe me, never mind. Just take a look at all the broken players from that round, and explain why people keep getting hurt, if it's not a curse!"


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MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 21, 2021 - 05:56 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Five

"Hang on, weren't we in the studio just a couple of days ago? It feels like we've never left!"
"We haven't, Bob. The pile of corpses is so large nobody's been able to get the door open."
"Oh, well then I guess we should just get on with it!"


Image Chen Kenichi III, back for a third time and then Offa he went. Halfling, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? His career was as short as he was!"

Image Triple Choc Chip, suffered some freezer burn from Snow Scare. Lizardman Saurus, 0 SPP.

Image Schnooglebeef, schnoogleblocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.

Image Bharzth Coalheart, going down the mine and never coming back after a block by Rolf Stonewall. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 7 SPP.
"Always nice to see two dwarfish teams beating each other up!"

Image Clown couldn't turn his frown upside down after a hit by Drop Beargrills. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image George A. Romero, will be spending a lot more of his time making movies after a thumping from Greygerd Ged. Necromantic Zombie, 9 SPP.

Image Nacole, on the dole after a run-in with Geodude. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.

"Well Bob, in this show you get to see the end of the careers of a lot of experienced players. And also all the players who died this week."
"Yes, there's no Salamoneous there, is there?"
"Wait for next week - I'm sure there's a few treats coming up in week six!"
"That's less than two days away, by my watch..."


And speaking of watches, how about the [b]Curse Of The Death Watch{/b]?

Image Magenta, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Gard Hammersmite, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Image Arlecchino, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Cronus, Block * 9 kills. Broken Jaw
Image Tough, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back


That's right - almost more injuries from the Curse of the Death Watch than Deaths in the Death Watch. What madness is this? Now sit back, relax, and regard the parade of pain as we try to get things ready for the next week's show...

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MrCushtie



Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 23, 2021 - 07:34 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Six

In ascending order of experience, here's the results for this week:

Image Jacinta Barrett, blocked with great Enthusiasm. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Evander Grottyorc, taught a thing or two by James, the Darker Arts Tutor. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Cameron Baily, rhymes with daily but the closest he gets to that is mourning, blocked by Refr Hi?rrson. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"If we could spell Refr's name properly, we'd give him a prize for bullying people much smaller than him..."

Image Cyclops, Block by Ernesto Guevara. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Devil, exorcised by Bruiser. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.

Image Shawn Fitzpatrick, hit while lying on the floor with a very large book by Allan, Bible Basher. High Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Shipstern, turned hard to port, then put beyond the pale by Cromwell. Skaven Gutter Runner, 3 SPP.

Image Akitamal Breagan, fell victim to total Mayhem. Dark Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.

Image Perithel Pyre-Builder, given two heads by Hydra. Wood Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"You don't often see a wood elf with two heads."
"Two half heads is almost as good, right?"


Image Godlike, deicided by the hard-to-spell boots of Þorviðr Þrándrson. Human Blitzer, 24 SPP.

Image Antiope Stell, went to the circus and never came back after she was impressed by Harlequin II. Amazon Catcher, 32 SPP.
"I've always said you can't have nice things."
"Well, you can't have +ST Amazon catchers for long, Jim..."


Curse Of The All Stars
Image Cheetah, a big cat that got a bite taken out of him by Nathaniel Dogsbody. High Elf Catcher, 167 SPP.
"That's the biggest hit in two seasons! Nothing's removed so many SPP since Torgan Silvermead took his dirt nap."
"The polite term is 'permanent vacation in the mines of Moria', Bob!"


Curse of the Death Watch
Image Offa, Block * 1 kill. Damaged Back
Image Ernesto Guevara, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Image Edda Thomin, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Image Cheetah, Block * 1 kill. Dead

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