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Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Nov 03, 2022 - 07:30 Reply with quote Back to top

T: Season previews, Phillip, remember those?

P: I hear there's a High Elf team in prem again, what are they up against?

Image Season XCIV Premier Division

T: Well, I guess it starts with Orcs in round 1.

Image (1490) [SWL]Dorruks know what league they're in, the SWL. Just as well they wrote it down like that, or they'd have probably forgotten to turn up for prem at all. The shame of this lot, is they didn't hire a Goblin. There's a Goblin's wages going begging in the treasury, there's a troll to throw them with, what's their other one-turn plan? Bushing the Buns up the pitch? Not likely.

P: 5-0 to the Elves, there, can't be otherwise. No grace in an Orc team.

T: That might be a bit ambitious, Phillip, Takeshi has to be a worry, but I don't see them winning without a Goblin.

Image (1490) Minutes or Centuries will come off the game against the Champion Zons with surely a few more skills, but possibly a touch of dented pride. The Amateurs will be hoping they're missing a few Guards and all, taking a short break for the week at least. If they do bring a famous Goblin along, things could get dicey indeed for the High Elves in round 2.

P: The Amateurs have dealt to Bomber every time he's met them, that won't be a problem, and nor will the horrible tall hat men, just too short in the stride to keep up with an elf team, those boys.

T: Could be half an elf team to face them, but, well, Wizards never go astray, or almost never?

Image (1260) Zealots of Change will be looking for a recovery game after the Turbo Wolves tear them up, and round 3 with whatever is left of the High Elfs after a brutal opening might just cut them short of the needed inducements to get one. Either team could turn up here half full of loners, and both teams will bring enough hitting power to worry a lack of bench.

P: Half a team of rats won't worry a full team of Elfs, Terence, not even a challenge! 3-0 at least.

T: Don't forget it's also half a team of Snotlings, and they do horrible things to Elf teams.

P: While losing!

T: True enough.

Image (1330) Pitch Painters get the horrors about facing the Amateurs every time, they may kill one or two each game, and not leave many Elfs for the follow up match, but they've never come close to beating the High Elfs, just paper thin defence. No chance. Still, those old Trolls are going to take their toll, if they've survived the Dorruks leading in, and if they do it early enough, who knows.

P: We know, Terence, same as always, 3-1, if they make their desperate TTM chances.

T: Lets see what the likely depleted Amateurs face, on their homeward run, eh.

Image (1410) [SWL]Mandatory Happiness survived the prem of season 93, and if there's anything left of them after playing footsie with the Minutes or Centuries, well, you know what they say about Dark Elves. Bloody imperialist race-slavers travelling the world looking for easy targets? They won't find one with the Amateurs! Go hunt somewhere else with a few boots to hurry you along!

P: Certainly so, Terence, High Elfs and Dark Elfs play a very different game, on the bloodbowl pitch, and the High Elf one is just better. 3-2 or so, without a doubt.

T: Just a shame there's no chance of Goblins from here.

Image (1400) Blackwater Picaroons will be fresh off tackling the Zealots when they face their greatest challenge of the season in round six. Maleficent will relish the challenge, looking to take her third prem title in a row, a difficult woman to bring down when not surrounded by a highly skilled set of team-mates, let alone as she will be here.

P: Maybe the High Elves will just have to hope someone else has beaten them already. Or, perhaps, they'll be bringing a pair of hard hitting forwards in the form of Buck Shelford and Norm Hewitt.

T: Assuming any of those players survive to round six is this ever-challenging premier division, let alone round seven.

Image (1480) Turbo Wolves will be fresh off monstering the Pitch Painters, and if the Flesh Golems survived that, they'll be annoying for the High Elves to deal with, along with the rest of them. It's their lack of back up ball carriers has held them from the title the last couple times, but they've been in it to the end each go, and this could well be a championship decider against the High Elves to finish.

P: 2-1 to the High Elves, near-perfect season, what could go wrong, prem rings for the survivors.

T: Which team those rings will go to is anyone's guess really, as much as these High Elves can win any game, winning every game has proven difficult.

Image (1440) Amateur Professionals come in off the back of a comfortable conference win with a rookie thrower and a few storied favourites to take on the best the SWL has to offer. No one here is beyond them, and every team will fear this match up. They might just fear one or two themselves, but such is the modern game.

P: What? Where's the superstar thrower? Terence?

T: Listen, I asked the coach, apparently a lot of money went missing in the post-season party scene, and Bruce Deans has not been seen since that night.

P: Oh, no. How could he take the team's cash instead of play for a Prem ring? What is going on!

T: It makes no sense to me, Phillip, but I guess some people are just assholes.



Joined: Sep 25, 2008

Post   Posted: Dec 10, 2022 - 20:22 Reply with quote Back to top


Arnie: Hey Ivan, did you catch that Blood Bowl game yesterday between the Black Lagoon Go-Go Bar and the Albion Itinerants?

Ivan: I sure did, Arnie. What a thrilling game it was!

Arnie: Definitely. The humans took an early lead with a touchdown by Jeremy Calonet; the Nurgle team just ignored him! They fought back hard, though.

Ivan: That's right, Arnie. The young Pestigor Riphammer Maggotspike charged through the human defense like they were made of tissue paper and scored two touchdowns of his own.

Arnie: And let's not forget esteemed guest Lord Borak's impact on the game. He fouled and knocked out several human players, causing chaos and confusion on the field.

Ivan: And he even permanently niggled the Ogre Drin, who had to be carried off the field with a very displeased look on his face. Talk about a real ogre-sized upset!

Arnie: The Nurgle team celebrated their victory with a raucous post-game party at the Go-Go Bar. I heard they had some creepy crawly appetizers and a maggot-covered cake.

Ivan: Meanwhile, the humans went home to lick their wounds and cry themselves to sleep. It was a good game of Blood Bowl.

Black Lagoon 2 - 1 Albion Itinerants

Joined: Feb 21, 2007

Post   Posted: Jan 25, 2023 - 13:32 Reply with quote Back to top

A: It's time for the player awards for season XCIV!

B: Why are you telling me that Alice? I know that already.

A: It's about dialogue Bob. That's the format here. I talk, you talk, I talk.

B: But why?

A: I don't know why. But everyone does it. Just run with it for goodness sake.

B: And anyway it's not time, they should have been done a week ago.

A: Yes, well, they're done now anyway. Let's start with who kicked the most mud in the mudkicker division!

Image Image Liverpool Lass (We Come From A Land Up Over) 10 touchdowns
Image Image Twelve of Sixteen ([SWL] Invasion Cube 001) 7 casualties
Image Image Liverpool Lass (We Come From A Land Up Over) 185 rushing yards
Image Image Avro Lancaster (Isilmë Bombers) 14 passing yards
Image Image Decapitated Coffee (Malapropisms Relieved) 18 fouls
Image Image Twelve of Sixteen ([SWL] Invasion Cube 001) 65 blocks
Image Image Avro Lancaster & Image Zorre Sandwave (Isilmë Bombers & Sunnyside Gardens) 7 completions
Image Image Six of Sixteen ([SWL] Invasion Cube 001) 1.67 block / cas
Image Image Oniar Wilrow (Sunnyside Gardens) 6 pass / cp
Image Image Liverpool Lass (We Come From A Land Up Over) 34 SPP

A: Liverpool Lass showing everyone how to get a triple award: Pick up the ball, run it down the other end of the field, and score with it.

B: It's a lesson some players in higher grades could really use.

A: Meanwhile the hitty awards go to the most well justified violation of naming policy imaginable!

B: Yes, if ever you wanted to have a theme without having a theme at all you couldn't do much better than this team.

A: Clearly the lack of theme allowed him to focus on what was important: Getting into a frenzy and making blocks.

B: And completions are shared between two identical looking players.

A: Is it really a pass when it goes an average of 2 yards? I think these guys are only passing because they get a reroll compared to a gfi + handoff.

B: They get a what? This isn't Order of the Stick here we don't live the game mechanics Alice

A: Sorry!

B: Props to Avro for taking it even with another player on the team sharing the role. Though he gets the bronze arrow with a frankly pathetic 14 yards, so I guess that balances out.

A: Let's move on to the technically most tightly contested divison for these awards, with 20 teams, Conference.

Image Image Rebecca Razzia (Albion Itinerants) 8 touchdowns
Image Image Bakari (Ophidian Infidels) 10 casualties
Image Image Howitzero (Weapons of Maths Destruction) 152 rushing yards
Image Image Aovan Cord (Ligna Ludis) 19 passing yards
Image Image Geordie S (New Blacktown Expatriates) 42 fouls
Image Image Parker Ust (Albion Itinerants) 75 blocks
Image Image Aovan Cord (Ligna Ludis) 8 completions
Image Image Nuru (Ophidian Infidels) 3 block / cas
Image Image Cankles (New Blacktown Expatriates) 10 pass / cp
Image Image Rebecca Razzia (Albion Itinerants) 28 SPP

A: Rebecca Razzia again shows that scoring touchdowns is the shortest path to most SPP as well.

B: So, rumour has it we tried to apply some fancy statistics on the block per cas and pass per completion stats. Trying to avoid it going to some lame cas from one block kind of player. What came of that?

A: Well the upshot was, the best two players for block per cas were Morg and Thorg.

B: Sounds like that stats worked then.

A: Sure, but it wasn't really what we wanted. Meanwhile no amount of adjustment was ever going to stop the pass per completion going to a single-completion candidate

B: Maybe we could rename it to "Best Pass"?

A: In the end we decided to just eyeball it. Any complaints please send to the snotling love hotline.

Image Image Giuseppe Garibaldi (Zealots of Change) touchdowns
Image Image Buck Shelford (Amateur Professionals) 8 casualties
Image Image Maleficent Lenestar (c) (Blackwater Picaroons) 129 rushing yards
Image Image Carrot Ironfoundersson (Zealots of Change) 30 passing yards
Image Image Electric Indigo (Pitch Painters) 31 fouls
Image Image Buck Shelford (Amateur Professionals) 86 blocks
Image Image Carrot Ironfoundersson & Image Ant Strachan (Zealots of Change & Amateur Professionals) 7 completions
Image Image Gilbert 5 (SWL Dorruks) 5.6 block / cas
Image Image Stan Gable 4 (SWL Dorruks) 5 pass / cp
Image Image Natalia Gunther (Blackwater Picaroons) 23 SPP

A: Natalia the upstart linewoman pretending to be a blitzer rides 2 mvps to narrowly beat 4 players on just one less SPP, including a real blitzer from her own team.

B: At least this division it's a player who played in both camps, with a touchdown to complement the casualties.

A: Completions on the other hand is less contested, shared at one per game between the only two players in the whole tournament to even bother passing the ball.

B: At least some slightly more respectable passing yards between them compared to the jokers in conference.

A: An elf takes out most blocks and most cas, approaching double the nearest contender in the blocks department.

B: When an elf wins the golden shield and knuckles you know there's a good chance it's the winning team.

A: Maleficient Lenestar has an impressive 129 rushing yards for just 4 touchdowns (and no completions).

B: Makes me want to make a new award, the Golden Retriever, for running around with the ball without taking it anywhere.

A: A dog of an award that would be.

B: And with that, it's a wrap.

A: Wait, what happened to most turns?

B: You want an award for showing up?

A: Well, there used to be one.

B: Rest assured, all players, or their surviving family, have an individual certificate of participation coming in the mail.
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