Mens,

We have all faced the same issue in our lives. I feel your pain; I have been there. In two days, the parasites in your world that call themselves ‘friend’, ‘family’ or even ‘wife’ will be expecting a lovingly wrapped symbol of your ongoing affection and love. Your real friends, your FUMBBL friends, expect nothing but the odd /cheer, but these other gits seem to think they deserve stuff.

A sickening state of affairs, I’m sure you’ll agree. If you’re anything like me, you’ll currently be transfixed by a strange panic; knowing that social convention dictates that you must throw enough money at the situation to make it go away, but bored with the awful manufactured construct. Luckily for you, I have the answer. As ever, your uncle Purplegoo is about to solve all of your problems and show you the way. Issue the following strongly worded statement, either via your PA, on Facelame, by carrier pigeon or whatever means of communication suits you best (not semaphore. I ban that):

‘Dear person in my life that expects a gift this Christmas,

It has come to my attention that I am expected to put ‘thought’ into the purchase of a heartfelt token of my love and affection that you shall unwrap in but two short sleeps time. However, much as I think women get a rough deal in the workplace (feel free to take that sentence out if the recipient isn’t a woman, we all know the truth, eh, fellows?), I demand equality come Christmas. I have thought of a wonderful gift for you, one that only someone that shares our unique bond can dream up. You’ll love it. But where is my quid pro quo? Why should I bother? Unless I see evidence that you have purchased me a ticket for May’s NAF Championship in Nottingham, England, you get nothing from me. Squat, diddly, nadda, zero. As many gifts as shadow leaves cupcakes at a free cupcake buffet.

Yours, (insert name here. Probably your real one; nerd handles don’t really go down well with norms).’

So, there we have it: The answer.

Next year, the NAF Championship will take place across the weekend of the 17th and 18th May in Nottingham, England. So far, Englishmen, Germans, Danes, Swedes, Italians and Frenchmen (among others) have all signed up to attend the all out, alcohol soaked nerd fest that is the NAFC, and tickets have been on sale for a gnat’s crotchet. I expect like-minded fellows from even further afield to make the pilgrimage and join us for the big one. Rumour has it we have an American podcast celebrity on the way, for instance.

And the NAFC is the big one. Sure, there are Blood Bowl events near you organised by those brilliant NAF chaps that occur all of the time. But the NAFC is (team events apart) the biggest worldwide BB party on your calendar, and I am here to tell you it is worth your time. I couldn’t give a toss if you don’t have a single miniature to your name, if you turn up, we will sort you out, sit you in the right place, teach you how to talk to a real human being and get you playing.

This year, I will be sporting a fine referee’s shirt, and will be sober precisely 4% of the time. On my (non-exhaustive) list of things to do is:

- Disqualify Sillysod for his ridiculous face
- Check every single one of PeteW’s dice by drilling into them and trying to find weights
- Attempt, and fail, to out drink Scandinavians. Twice.
- Streak during the final
- Let Sillysod back in
- Abuse my position and announce myself the winner. Even though I’ve not played
- Disqualify Sillysod again
- Set fire to Cribbleopplemegaword
- Sing ‘Careless Whisper’ over the PA system
- Readmit Sillysod, but only on -7 points
- Shots. Many, many shots.

And that is only the wishlist of a referee. A referee you have the chance to ‘get’ if you come to the party. I won’t even run away that fast. But please don’t touch my face.

So – order your ‘loved ones’ to get you a NAFC ticket this Christmas. It’s the only way that they can possibly say ‘I love you’ and have you believe them.

*****

All kidding aside, if you have never come to the NAFC before, now is the time. Tabletop BB is in rude health. We are two years away from the (probably) record setting 700+ coach World Cup in Tuscany. You will meet numerous FUMBBL luminaries, make new friends and have your eyes opened to the opportunities and fun times that playing this great game in real life makes possible. I could not recommend this tournament enough; the venue is tremendous, the influx of coaches from around the world leads to a fantastic party atmosphere, and it is run like clockwork. Well, it did last year, then I offered to help out. Problematic!

FUMBBL coach Joemanji is organiser and chief. If you have any questions, PM him (or me, but I’ll only ask him). You will find full details and threads concerning the NAFC 2014 on TFF http://www.talkfantasyfootball.org/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=39167) and the NAF site (http://member.thenaf.net/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&t=6109).

Please do come along and join the party. You’ll not regret it. I’ll see you at the bar?