Purple Pain Open Season With Dazzling 2-0 Win Over the Gorgoth Infernals
The Purple Prince scores one of his two touchdowns on the day to lead the Purple Pain to the shut-out victory.
The
Sylvaneapolis Purple Pain kicked off the
Bonehead League season with an impressive 2-0 victory vs. the
Gorgoth Infernals. Though the Purple Pain were surprisingly able to out-block their chaos dwarf opponents 30-26 with 2 casualties to the Infernals’ 0, the real difference-maker in the game was the vampires’ hypnotic gaze.
“I’m proud of the way we implemented our ‘let’s go gazy’ gameplan today,” said the Purple Pain’s runner and team captain, the Purple Prince, who had 2 TDs on the day. “After all, you know what they say, if the Nuffle-vator tries to bring you down, go gazy.”
Though we are unaware of anyone ever having actually said that, the strategy did pay off well for the Purple Pain as they were able to produce a turnover midway through the first half in the midst of blizzard conditions.
An Infernals’ chaos dwarf blocker looks up in a hypnotic daze at a strange floating yellow guitar that appeared mysteriously over the field at times
Throughout the Infernals' opening drive, several dwarves and hobgoblins staggered around through the snow, dancing in a daze to mysterious hypnotic music played by several yellow guitars that magically appeared and began floating in the air. This gave Purple Pain thrower, the Vampire Formerly Known as Prince, the chance to blitz the Infernals' bull centaur, Igor the Drunken Stampede, who’d broken into the clear along the northern sideline after receiving the opening kick.
Rather than attempt to tackle Igor, the Vampire Formerly Known as Prince oddly declared, “I think I wanna dance,” executed a dazzling spin, and then dropped into a split and deftly tripped the hard-charging bull centaur.
The Vampire Formerly Known as Prince uses an unorthodox maneuver to bring down the ball carrier
Igor crashed into the snow and lost the ball, but he was able to stagger up to his hooves and regain possession. The only problem was he was now surrounded by a pair of vampires and Purple Pain thrall, Dr. Drinkme, who immediately leaped onto his back and took the hulking bull centaur down yet again.
“It’s great to be able to make a play like that, given the limited game plan we seem to have for thralls on the team,” said Dr. Drinkme, noting that five thralls were KO’d, badly hurt, or stunned by their own teammates during the match. “I have to say, I was a little confused by the playbook when the captain gave it to us. There’s lots of cool plays for the vamps, but for thralls there’s just one formation called the ‘I Would Die 4 U.’ Basically it just instructs us on how to stand still with our arms out to the side while tilting our heads to expose as much of our necks as possible.”
Dr. Drinkme demonstrates the only thrall play in the Purple Pain playbook, known simply as the “I Would Die 4 U” formation. (Yes, all gathered were confused about why Dr. Drinkme is the only member of the team who dresses up like a doctor, but legend holds the same was true of one of the associates of the interdimensional being who founded Sylvaneapolis, and people from his dimension were equally confused.)
Up 1-0 to start the second half, the Purple Pain used speed and more hypnosis on their drive after receiving the kickoff. With Sheila E-vil and Morris Night screening off Infernals defenders, the Purple Prince streaked down the northern sideline for his second TD with amazing speed, considering he was wearing 6-inch platform shoes in the snow.
Up 2-0, the Purple Pain almost got a third score after gang tackling Igor near midfield on the ensuing Infernals' possession. Sheila E-vil was able to scoop up the ball and streak toward the endzone, but Infernals bull centaur Keg Mountain made a dazzling dodge and sprint to bring her down, providing one of the few highlights for the chaos dwarves on the day.
“I’ve never seen a bull centaur move like that,” said the Purple Prince after the game. “Clearly he was inspired by my dance moves.”
To celebrate the victory, the Purple Prince regaled the crowd with the team’s theme song after the game. (Click on the image above or this link to hear his performance.)
Next up the Purple Pain will take on the Irn-Bru Quaffers dwarf squad, who are also off to a 1-0 start after topping Tears n’ Fears 1-0
