NCBB Season Opener Brings Mixed Emotions, as Green Dukes Celebrate New Elfletic Facility But Suffer 2-1 Loss to SUNY Buffalo
The
Duqueswood University Green Dukes took a huge step forward off the pitch but a step back on it, as they opened the
NCBB season 45 with the dedication of a new state-of-the-art elfletic center followed by a
2-1 loss to the
SUNY Buffalo Bull Centaurs. Standout SUNY junior hobgoblin Tyree Jackson scored 2 touchdowns for the Bull Centaurs, and the Green Dukes got their lone TD from sophomore Gobyltyr Gusto (acorn analytics) on a pass from freshman thrower Phaedry Featherwind (plant psychology).
Despite ending with a loss, the day began with jubilation when Duqueswood officially opened its new Mirlin Spinleaf Memorial Elfletic Training Center with a vine-cutting ceremony that celebrated the life and career of the team’s
former captain. Featuring extensive wardancer training facilities, the new center was fully funded by Spinleaf’s parents, Myrvis and Scyntia Spinleaf. The renowned elfanthropists are co-chairs of the Duqueswood University Parents Council and are also the mother and father of current Green Duke catcher Scootyr Spinleaf (history of dirt), who is returning for his junior season despite speculation that his extensive injuries would force him to focus on his studies instead.
New Center Promises Bright Future for Program, Coach, Player
To celebrate the opening of the new Mirlin Spinleaf Memorial Elfletic Center, the university is offering open-tree tours to alumni, parents, and friends of the university. (To take your tour and try out the leap-training facility click here or on the image above. Use “a” to move left, “d” to move right, and “w” to leap over the obstacle. Move to the ball to pick it up and advance to the next level. If you fail and need to repeat a level, click your browser’s refresh button. Note: tours are unavailable on phones and tablets.)*
“This place is going to be a huge resource for the program, and I can’t thank the Spinleafs enough for their generosity, their vision, and their dedication to Duqueswood University,” said Green Dukes Coach Gerric Smithson moments before the Spinleaf family cut the vine to officially open the center. “I mean, the leap-training facility alone is going to be a game-changer. With the ability to practice jumping over goblins, orcs, and trolls like this, we’re going to have a lot less wardancers dying out there on the pitch. I mean, I guess they’ll be dying on the floor of the training center, but still … this is a big step forward for the program.”
Coach Smithson’s presence at the ceremony surprised many. At the end of last season he’d again been
suspended by the university’s Board of Elders for exceeding the school’s acceptable death-to-win ratio for the third straight season and for unsanctioned use of dead players as fertilizer. Apparently, however, the Spinleafs argued for his contract to be renewed for another season, and the board found their arguments persuasive—entirely on their own merits, of course.
“Smithson’s continued tenure with the university was in no way impacted by the Spinleafs’ donation to build the center and fund an endowment to pay for its future maintenance,” said the Duqueswood Board of Elders in an official statement issued after the ceremony. Shortly after that statement was released, Coach Smithson released an official statement of his own declaring that his decision not to cut Scootyr Spinleaf was also “in no way impacted” by the Spinleafs’ donation nor their advocacy for him to retain his position.
“It looks like this was just one of those situations where things worked out well for everyone,” the Spinleafs said in their statement also released after the ceremony.
A Statement on the Pitch
Following all of these statements, SUNY Buffalo began to make their own statement on the pitch with a long first-half drive that produced four combined injuries and casualties. With only 6 elves left to defend (treeman Oakward Weatherborn was rooted at midfield), and shifty bull centaur Naaman Roosevelt dodging a blitzing roundhouse kick from wardancer Curswyn Redgrass (independent studies—vengeance), the Bull Centaurs easily cleared a path for Jackson to find paydirt and put them up 1-0 with only seconds left in the half.
Tyree Jackson scores with nary an elf in sight to put the SUNY Bull Centaurs up 1-0
“I wasn’t aware that bull centaurs could dodge,” said Redgrass, who mistakenly followed up on his blitz, allowing Roosevelt to easily trample him shortly thereafter. “I knew they could charge, defecate on the ground, and chew upon their own cud, but I thought them incapable of higher functions such as dodging.”
The Green Dukes attempted to even the score before half time, using the ancient elven
“un tirn tee dee” strategy Angorn Windfoot taught the team two seasons ago. Even though the elven blockers were able to shove a bull centaur Khalil Mack into Scootyr Spinleaf’s back to give him the speed needed to streak down the field and potentially score before the whistle, Spinleaf was unable to dodge through a column of defenders and fell to the pitch to end the first half.
“Scootyr did everything he could out there—kid made a heck of an effort,” said Coach Smithson during the postgame press conference as he glanced uneasily toward the Spinleafs. “We’ll have to see what we can do to put him in a better position to score next time.”
Undaunted, the Green Dukes quickly got back into the game in the second half when highly recruited freshman thrower Featherwind found Gusto open deep in SUNY Buffalo territory. Recruited from the western seed-casting woodland tribes, Featherwind had gained legendary renown for her ability to throw beech nuts so hard and accurately that they could sail past foraging birds and plant themselves in the ground seconds after leaving her hand. As Bull Centaur defense pushed forward, bashing her blockers, she put that skill to good use, zipping the ball to Gusto, who then ran untouched for the TD.
“It’s actually quite similar,” said Featherwind on the process of adapting her throwing style from seeds to blood bowl balls. “The only difference is that in seed-casting I throw as part of the glorious cycle of life, the verdant forest breathing, blooming, and blossoming; and in this sport, I throw as part of a dark pageant of bloodshed, death, and destruction. But either way, it’s all in the wrist.”
Featherwind prepares to throw the first touchdown pass of her career, perhaps studying the ball to consider how it might throw differently from a seed
The quick score, however, left plenty of time for the Bull Centaurs to bash their way toward a potential winning TD. With Jackson securing the kick cleanly, his blockers quickly formed a cage and escorted the hobgoblin up field through the elven defense with all the grace and subtlety of an anvil falling through a pile of leaves.
After losing two more elves to injury, Duqueswood got desperate and swarmed the ball. Despite four elves surrounding Jackson, the aggressive move had all the effectiveness of a pile of leaves throwing themselves at an anvil. In a matter of seconds, the Bull Centaurs had throttled every elf within reach in a series of brutal blocks that got Jackson out of jeopardy, sent six more Green Dukes to the casualty and KO boxes, and cleared a path for the winning TD.
A Face From the Past, A Treeman Felled
One of those brutal blocks even took down Weatherborn, who had been having a strong day with 10 successful blocks until he tangled with chaos dwarf blocker Tim Russert. At first, it was unclear how exactly Russert was able to overpower the treeman, who stood more than four times his height, but a close look at the magecast replay offered some insight.
It appeared that as the dwarf approached the towering tree, he spotted some sort of wooden face emerging from Weatherborn’s bark just a few feet above his roots. When Russert lowered his shoulder to drive a steel spike into the face, Weatherborn lifted one of his roots to block the blow. Russert then hit the root, and the now off-balance treeman careened to the ground, his bark cracking as loudly as a clap of thunder.
Russert stands victoriously upon the trunk of Weatherborn, whom the dwarf blocker felled despite giving up nearly 15 feet in reach and 800 pounds in body weight
“Yeah, uh, apparently after
Zephyra died last year, Oakward planted his roots in the grass that was covered in her brains and blood, and I guess he kind of, like, I don’t know, resorbed her spirit or soul or something,” Coach Smithson struggled to explain after the match. “Honestly, I’m not sure how any of this works. A few years ago, I didn’t even know trees could walk and talk, let alone play blood bowl, and now I guess … resorb human souls? Anyway, we’re going to have to work with him on not favoring that side of his trunk. If Zephrya’s bark-embossed face needs to take a shoulder spike from a charging dwarf from time to time, he’s just going to have to deal with it. We can’t have our treeman going down to protect a line-elf who’s already dead.”
*Note on the wardancer trainer mini-game (elfletic center tour): I don’t claim to be much of a programmer. I only know scraps of javascript, and I borrow stuff from other games and tutorials I mess with from time to time, so it’s highly likely this “game” has some bugs. Feel free to let me know if you encounter any—though I don’t think I’ll be able to fix them. (I already failed at creating actual levels for the game, so each level opens up on a new index.html page, and I was too lazy to find a way to make this work on phones or tablets, so you’ll only be able to “play” it on a computer.) Also, obviously this was built by using FUMBBL sounds and FUMBBL sprites, so big thanks to the site for making those available, and if I should credit anyone specifically for those, please let me know.
