You find us sat on the cold rock floor of the Great Gobbo's cave, shivering in nothing but our underwear, having just rolled a dice.

"Wot did yer roll?" asks the Great Gobbo.

"A two" we reply.

"Too? Wun, too" says GG as he moves a playing piece around the board. "Fleet Street, I ownz dat! Datz eighteen quid yew owe me, an a sokk."

"Eighteen pounds? I can't pay it, i'm bankrupt. You win, now can I have my clothes back?"

"Suppose so. I tole yew strip Munoply was betta didn't I?"

"If you say so, but why do you own so many copies of the game?" we ask as we cast our eyes over the piles of Monopoly boxes stacked in the corner, "you don't even have any different versions of the game, just hundreds of copies of the original."

"Well Mr Fikky, befoar I diskovered dat if I woz a university i didn't av ter pay me 'stoodent affeletes' I ad ter pay der ladz rite, so I used ter pay em wiv all der free munney dat comes wiv der game an so I needed all der munney ter look der same. Zoggin obvious innit."

"Fine, I suppose, but how come you don't have a single proper playing piece?"

"Koz I got rid of em fer being 'ist'."

"Ist? what do you mean by ist?"

"Sexist, racist, religunist, yew no, all der bad fingz yew kan be."

"What is 'ist' about the little dog playing piece?"

"Iz yew avvin a laff? Dat's speciesist dat iz. It representz ow yew umans av subdigated der wolf race an made em yer slaves, an slavery iz bad."

"But don't you currently operate a scam university to avoid paying wages to your players?"

"Yeah, so wot? Wot's me stoodent affeletes got ter do wiv slavery?"

"Anyway, when did you start caring about slavery and other serious issues?"

"Since we ad a bunch o fit gurls enroll in me uni an i iz tryin ter pull em."

"So you are studying sexism to seduce women?"

"Klevva innit, an dat's why I got rid o der likkle iron."

"Because it represents how women's role in society was to serve the men by staying at home?"

"No, koz it woz tekkin me wenches too long ter do me shirts so i got em bigga wuns. See, I iz woke."

"Well you sure are something. So why did you get rid of the little car?"

"Koz it ent bin invented yet."

"The battleship?"

"Koz it representz war an war iz bad. Plus it sank."

"The top hat?"

"Squirrels took it."

"Okay Mr Great Woke Gobbo let's have a look at what you chose to replace the old pieces with. What's this?" we ask holding up a small hard green ball, "some kind of representation of the Earth and how it needs to be green to avoid climate catastrophe?"

"Nah, dats just an old bogey."

"So is this just a dead ladybird?" we ask prodding the dead insect.

"Iz yew mad? Dat represents trans genda rites dunnit. Ow? Koz dey iz all kalled ladybirds, evun der boys, so dey iz progressive an needz representayshun."

"What about this funny smelling jigsaw piece? A metaphor for trying to make lots of different individuals come together as a whole or a random piece of tat?"

"Dat shudn't be in dere, dats frum summat else I does."

"Well why is your playing piece a live woodlouse? A woodlouse by the way who convieniently always wanders off past my properties onto yours?"

"Iz yew akkuzin me o cheetin? Iz yew sayin I iz der kind o Gobbo ter spend months trainin a woodlouse ter obey sekret and signals in order ter win at Munoply? Ow wud yew evun train a zoggin woodlouse ter move extra squares on a Munoply bord?"

"Err, well I don't know..."

"Yew uses sugar, anyway I ent no cheet so dere."

"Okay, okay, i'm sorry. Oh by the way, looks like the training is paying off for your team, and you have even won a few games, congrats. You do seem to be playing a lot against elves though."

"And? Wots yer point? Yew fink sumwun oo wud spend months trainin a woodlouse, iz name's Trevor by der way, ter win at Munoply iz gunna be bovvered ter only play wimpy races at Blud Bowl in order ter slowly build up iz teem an develop some decent skillz? Iz dat wot yew fink?"

"Yes."

"Koz I iz."

"I know, it's what you always do."

"Yeah but now I kan choose wot skillz we practise so no moar veteran side step divin takkle gobbos cloggin up me roster! An we iz facin a lot moar eleven man rosters, meenin that wiv a likkle fowl ere an a likkle fowl dere we iz playin most o der game wiv moar ladz den der opposishun! Now datz wot I kall koachin geenyus!"

"So you are liking the new rulest Commissioner Christer has implemented then?"

"Yeah, an do yer no der best bit?"

"No, what?"

"Yew kan now ire one of der squirrels from outside me cave az a star player, iz name iz Akhorne an ee iz nutty!"

"Really?"

"Yep, an ee iz nutz!"

"You just said that."

"It wuz a joke, bekoz ee iz a squirrel an a bit mental. An squirrels eet nutz."

"I get it."

"I fink ee also eets crystal meff."

"Does he train with the Tide?"

"Nah, ee iz too ruff! I tole yew ee iz mental. Ee az played fer uz tho koz basikally I made im."

"You made him?"

"Well it woz my ball ee stole."

"Okay."

"An my crystal meff."

"Right."

"An me underpantz."

"Urgh, why?"

"Koz ee switched Trevor's sugar wiv crystal meff der last time we woz playin Munoply an after racin rownd der bord seventeen times in a row poor Trev collapsed on Coventry Street, which ee owned, an woz too tired ter move anymoar meenin every turn I kept loosin moar an moar muney an clothes until ee ad me pants."

"See, cheats never prosper."

"Rubbish, I got free fowsand foor undred quid from Trev passin Go seventeen times in wun turn, i wus just unlukky dat ee kudn't mek it ter Regent Street. Anyway, wot game der yer wanna play next?"

"What games have you got?"

"I used ter av Mousetrap until dem zoggin Skaven got it banned. Ow bowt strip Ungry Ungry Alflins?"

"Hungry Hungry Halflings? how do you play that?"

"STRIP ungry ungry alflins. It'z eezy, we both av a alflin tied up an we smack dem on der arse wiv ammers until dey eet all der marbles, most marbles eeten wins."

"Okay sounds like fun, do you want to be the Flying Sammiches or Left My Heart In San Francisco?"

"I doant kare as long az dey both get a zoggin good kikkin! GAME ON!"