Green Dukes Shock the Realm With 2-1 Victory Over Airforce

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes pulled off a shocking 2-1 come from behind win over the reigning NCBB national champion Airforce Falconorcs. Speedy sophomore orc blitzer Panther Jr. got the Falconorcs on the board with a long touchdown run, and the Green Dukes got their two scores from freshman wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (undeclared) and freshman line-elf Flynn Greenseed (wild agricultural sciences). Equally as important as those two touchdowns, however, were the two eyes of star player Eldril Sidewinder, who once again played for Duqueswood, gazing multiple orcs into a stupor at several key points in the game.


Whitebranch runs for the winning TD

“This is a huge win for the program,” said an elated Duqueswood Coach Gerric Smithson after the game, still soaked with the dousing of Squirrel-Ade Elven Wine he got from his players at the final whistle. “If you’d have told me at the start of the season we were going to suffer 5 more elven deaths this year but pull off a win against the national champs, I would have taken that bargain and thrown in an extra elf cadaver or two. No offense to the families of those dead elves, of course. I mean, they can all take pride in this win too. And, heck, you should my wife’s garden these days. They can take pride in that as well.”


Since the program exceeded its return-to-the-forest ceremony budget this year, Smithson has taken to burying his dead players in his wife’s garden, which is flourishing and producing prize-winning poinsettias and cabbages in recent weeks

Airforce opened the scoring with a methodical, punishing touchdown drive that ate up most of the first half clock. Despite amassing a dozen successful blocks on the drive, however, the Falconorcs only removed two Green Dukes from the pitch, knocking out junior thrower Bryden Branch (quantitative root-conomics) and Greenseed.

“That was big for us,” said Coach Smithson, noting that the team suffered no casualties on the day. “And it’s something we really focused on in practice this week. I mean the X’s and O’s are always important, but all week I stressed not dying to these fellas, and they really took that message to heart. I’m really proud of the way they took a beating.”


Panther Jr.’s long TD run puts the Falconorcs up 1-0, but the drive fails to produce any elf casualties

The second half opened in devastating fashion for Duqueswood, as Airforce executed a perfect onside kick that saw the shifty and fleet-footed orc blitzer Stinger catch his team’s kick in Green Duke territory. Sidewinder came up big for the Green Dukes, however, spinning away from a pair of orc blockers and gazing into Stinger’s lifeless black eyes.

“I unfolded for him a vision of eternal spring and growing things, the beauty of life blooming unopposed by darkness and death,” a blindfolded Sidewinder explained to the scribes after the game. “It was enough to make the savage question his life decisions. Had I held his eyes longer, I have no doubt he would have left the field to gather marigolds along the shores of Maiden Creek, woven them into his hair, and danced barefoot in the grass until exhaustion caused his black heart to explode and end his brutish existence.”


Stinger stands in a daze as Sidewinder gazes into his eyes

Fortunately for Stinger, Sidewinder was only able to hold his gaze for a second or two. But fortunately for Duqueswood, that was long enough for new and odd-looking freshman wardancer Curswyn Redgrass (bereavement studies) to deliver a spinning elbow to the side of Stinger’s head, sending the blitzer and the ball to the pitch. Though Stinger was able to get to his feet and reclaim the ball after Branch failed to pick it up, Sidewinder locked eyes with him once again, and Redgrass delivered a second spinning elbow with the same results.

When Stinger recovered the ball yet again along the southern sidelines, the game looked to be nearly lost for the Green Dukes. But after a few key blocks and Sidewinder staring unblinkingly at big ‘un blocker Green Hornet to clear a path, Whitebranch blitzed in. As a skilled blodge-stepper, Stinger would have survived the block easily, but hemmed in as he was along the sideline, there was no where for him to go but into the crowd.

The spectators threw the ball back onto the pitch deep in Duqueswood territory. Despite the unfortunate throw, freshman Green Duke catcher Gobyltyr Gusto used his speed to race to the ball, scoop it up, sprint toward midfield and make a desperate pass to Greenseed. The wide-open line-elf bobbled but then caught the pass and ran up field. Rather than score easily, Greenseed turned the TD reception into a comic misadventure, tripping all alone in the open field, losing the ball momentarily to Falconorc blitzer Top Dog Jr. who’d caught up to the play from behind, and then needing a key block from Redgrass to finally score the tying TD.


After a daring grab to snatch the ball right from under an orc lineman, Gusto makes a perfect pass to Greenseed

“I got to hand it to these fellas,” said Coach Smithson. “They can pick up a ball right from between the legs of a snarling orc, dodge away, and make a perfect pass despite not even being a thrower. But then they turn running down the open field into a god-damned pixie circus. He got the score at least, so I give the kid credit. And like I said, most importantly, he did what we focused on in practice. When he tripped, he didn’t die. And that was really key to scoring, because, well, the first rule in this sport—it’s tough to score when you’re dead.”

With only a few minutes left in the game, the Green Dukes looked to be in a decent position to go for the moral victory and try to hang on for the tie. But Coach Smithson had something else in mind. As Panther Jr. took the kick quickly to midfield surrounded by a cage of orc blockers, Smithson waved his team forward.

“Heck, I looked around, and we actually had 11 guys out there on the field for the end of the game,” he said. “I thought, you don’t get opportunities like this every day. Empty KO box, empty casualty box, a sea-elf on the field whose eyes are just as valuable as most players fists. The fellas did their part by not dying. I owed it to them to give them a chance to shock the realm and pull off the upset.”

With that mindset, Smithson pointed at his eyes, pointed at orc lineman Gambler who was holding up the back corner of the cage, and waved Sidewinder forward. Sidewinder charged in and gazed deeply into Gambler’s eyes. At first, his gaze did nothing.

“The mind of this foul ruffian was veiled behind a cloud of pestilence black and dense as death itself,” he explained. “He cared little and less for the vision of beauty I bestowed upon him.”

Desperate to clear a path for the blitz, Sidewinder held his arms aloft, and began to shuffle his feet as quick as lightning in a pattern so complicated no consciousness could fully comprehend it. Legends have told of the sea-elf’s “mesmerizing dance,” but few have seen it in person. It’s difficult to say exactly what happened in that moment, as most witnesses provide conflicting accounts. Some say the ground shook. Others insist the sky was suddenly ablaze with thousands of willow-the-wisps. Still others controversially insist that the spiked birdlike form of the chaos god Tzeentch descended on the field and danced alongside Sidewinder.


Sidewinder unveils his mesmerizing dance for Gambler. Warning: do not look upon this image more than 5 seconds unless you want your consciousness transported to another dimension. Note: despite the appearance of a birdlike form behind Sidewinder, the sea elf insisted that his powers have no connection to Tzeentch. “My skills are purely Elven in nature. That is all,” he insisted removing his blindfold and convincing most of the assembled scribes that he was right. When he began tapping his toe, he convinced the rest of them.

Whatever the case, Gambler and half of those in attendance fell into a drooling stupor. Whitebranch, unblocked, blitzed Panther Jr. from behind, delivering an elven boot to the back of the orc’s head. As the ball tumbled through the air, the wardancer ended his flying kick with a back flip caught the ball, and dodged away.

The only Falconorc in Whitebranch’s way was the goblin Ghost Rider III. Redgrass charged in quickly with a crackback, blindside block on the little imp, sending him to the pitch in a spray of blood and goblin teeth. With his path clear, Whitebranch sprinted into the endzone to give the Green Dukes the shocking 2-1 upset.

“This team is building something special,” said Whitebranch, noting that at 3-2-3 with two games left, Duqueswood is in solid position to qualify for the program’s first bowl game. “A lot of people didn’t believe in us. They said, a day may come when the courage of elves fails, when we forsake our teammates and break all bonds of football-ship, when foul orcs rule and the age of elves comes crashing down. But we said, that day is not this day. On this day, we fought … well, actually, on this day, an elf did a crazy little dance that distracted everybody, and I took the ball and ran away, but you get the point.”

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Additional Game Note: New Wardancer Raises Eligibility Questions

This was the first game for the Green Dukes new wardancer, Curswyn Redgrass, who replaced the recently deceased Bixtyr Brightwing (who replaced the less recently deceased Angorn Windfoot, who replaced the even less recently deceased Mirlin Spinleaf). According to the team’s official documents, Redgrass came to Duqueswood unrecruited from the distant Florenwood Forest.

“He came out for the open tryouts just like all the other fellas,” explained Coach Smithson. “Now, I will say he wasn’t the best performer out there, and when I tried to explain some of the concepts of the game to him, he just stared at me blankly, and said, ‘I am grief made bone, vengeance made flesh. Blood and tears have birthed me, and only blood and tears to my enemies shall I bring.’ I’d assumed he was just trying to psyche himself up for the tryouts. But then he dropped every ball thrown at him though he could throw a decent block. Anyway, we were going to go with one of the other kids, but the day after the tryouts they’d all just … disappeared. So, it was pretty much, welcome to the team Curswyn.”

At press time it is unknown if the NCBB is looking into Redgrass’s eligibility due to the fact there is no official record of an elf named Curswyn Redgrass ever having lived in the Florenwood, or ever having existed anywhere in the wider realms.


A magecast portrait of new Green Dukes wardancer Curswyn Redgrass, which, when examined by elven anthropologists, elicited the troubling response, “uh … that’s not an elf. That’s an abomination”