Monday Night Blood Bowl: Green Dukes Vs. Puerkos


Watch video (If Coself sounds a bit British or Australian at times, it’s because he’s an elf, and not because I can’t do impressions to save my life.)

DSPN Presents ... Monday Night Blood Bowl!

Transcript

This is Howood Coself. Welcome to Monday Night Blood Bowl. Tonight, the Duqueswood University Green Dukes fight for the wood against the Puerkos of the Instituto Politecnico Nacional.

The Green Dukes have gotten off to a 1 and 1 start, led by senior peace dancer Deathwynter Whitebranch, who despite a devastating shoulder injury last season has put this team on his back. But tonight we’ll be keeping an eye on a mysterious new edition to the team.

Freshman walk-on peace dancer Rainbow Unicorn-Love has been turning heads across campus as strongly as a wood spite turning a thorn toward a goblin’s hind quarters just before he sits on a tree stump.



Unicorn-Love stunned all of the Duqueswood when she visited campus last year, and while touring the Mirlin Spinleaf Memorial Elfletic Center became the first elf to successfully leap over the legendary wrench.



Convinced that if you can leap a wrench, you can leap anything, former Green Dukes Coach Gerric Smithson, desperately tried to recruit the colorful she-elf. However, Unicorn-Love had already committed to a gap year, during which she studied abroad in the Lustrian forests outside of the legendary lizard man kingdom of Mary’s Land. She also turned the disgraced former head coach down, vowing that she would never participate in a sport as violent as blood bowl.

Did something change during her time in Lustria? Was it Coach Pondripple’s conversion of the team’s wardancers to peace dancers that changed her mind. No one knows for sure, and no one knows why she appears to be wearing a kroxigor tooth around her neck. But either way, Unicorn-Love has joined the squad, and everyone is eager to see how her athletic skills blend with her commitment to peace, love and … unicorns on the pitch.

And here we go. The Green Dukes kick high and deep to the Puerkos. And it looks like we’re in for a treat here today, as the Puerkos have bought the services of legendary star ram rider Rumbelow Sheepskin.




Look at the little fellow there, waving to the crowd. It will be interesting to see how the Green Dukes love of woodland creatures impacts their blocking efforts against Sheepskin’s steed, the legendary Longshanks.

Ooh! And there we have our first elf removed from the pitch, as junior Ives the Crazy delivers a leaping head butt directly to the sternum of sophomore thrower Gilwin Windhand, who looks like he’ll be needing a hand—and a hand full of smelling salts—on the sidelines.

Here comes a key moment for the Pueroks, as junior runner Abtrabacus the Old goes for the pick-up—and yes, he’s done what may be the most difficult thing for him on this drive. He’s picked up the ball.

Now the Puerkos have left some space between their lines here, and let’s see … Yes, it looks like the Green Dukes are trying to split the dwarves here.

The Puerkos test one side here, but the Dukes hold, and look at treeman Mirlin Weatherborn tie up three Puerkos near midfield. Look at them under that tree, like teddybears having a picnic, only the only thing on the menu is tree bark and pain.



OK, now the Puerkos are testing the other side here, but the elves are just too quick for them.


They’ve got the little fellas going east and west here rather than north and south, and the Puerkos are going to have to get more aggressive here or the clock will surely run out on them. And, oh no, Weatherborn has taken root. This could be just the chance the dwarves needed.

Yes, look at that, junior troll slayer Alek Fierce stomps on Whitebranch’s foot, get’s the peacedancer to bend over, and ooh, he delivers a knuckleduster uppercut right to the jaw, and good night sweet peace dancer.

Now it looks like the Puerkos are going all in here, pushing forward along the sideline. Dangerous territory if the Green Dukes are willing to … Yes, it looks like sophomore line-elf Flyp Redleaf is going for the crowd surf, and holy moly with a flying knee to the chin he sends Abtrabacus into the front row, where some dwarf fans gently catch him, but it looks like the ball bounced into the Green Duke student section, and look at that throw in! This could give Duqueswood a chance to steal a touchdown here.

Junior catcher Zindari Dawnwind definitely has the speed to get there if she can get away. And yes, she makes the dodge. Dawnwind gets loose like a little fairy flitting from the stem of a dandelion.

But look at that, Sheepskin says giddy-up, and Longshanks is right on the ball. This will make the scoop and score tough for Dawnwind, unless she gets a block. Oh my, this is drama of the highest order as the only Green Duke in range here is Rainbow-Love. A lover of all of nature’s creatures, will she even want to try to make the block and there she goes and … down goes Sheepskin! Down goes Sheepskin! Down goes Sheepskin!

And just like that Dawnwind prances in for the touchdown to put the Green Dukes up 1-0 just as the half-time whistle blows.



OK, as the teams head to the locker rooms for half time, let’s check in with our sideline reporter OJ Nymph-son, who …



Oh dear it looks like OJ has left the stadium, leaving behind only his gloves. No, no, those can’t be his gloves they look too small too fit. But yes, I’m getting confirmation that Nymph-son has left the stadium riding upon the back of a white bronco. Well, I’m not sure what’s going on there, but let’s just hope everything is all right.

And now, now back to the action.

Duqueswood is solidly coachman’s seat, up 1-0 and receiving the second half kick. Let’s see how they choose to attack. Interesting choice not to Dakka here, maybe they’re going for the quick score to put it away. And oh my, look at that! A devastating spinning elbow strike from Redleaf knocks another Puerko out of the game.

I have to say, this looks like the Green Dukes’ game right now. I have not seen a group of wood elves so in control of a competition since the Great Keebler bake-off of 2459.

But wait, I’m not sure what Coach Pondripple is doing here. Only one elf in scoring distance, and standout junior thrower Phaedry Featherwind is still hanging back. This might be a bit too conservative—even for a coach who’s made his team’s motto “Safety first.”

It looks like Rainbow-Love is preparing for a dodge here to give the Green Dukes another scoring threat, and she … oh no! Apparently that old adage isn’t true. If you can leap a wrench, you cannot indeed leap anything.

And here come the dwarves. Those diminutive, pugilistic Puerkos have trundled their way into some excellent positioning, and Duqueswood into quite a pickle here. Yes, there it is. Freshman blocker Titus Sifoideico takes down Featherwind with a brutal shoulder to the solar plexus, and the ball is out.

The Green Dukes advantage has evaporated as quickly as dew on the meadow on a summer morn.

But oh my, Abtrabacus can’t pick up the ball. It must be the stubby little fingers. However, if that ball were a pint of beer, I don’t think he’d have so much trouble.

With only five elves on the pitch here, the Dukes are still in trouble. But, there’s a nice chainblock to give Featherwind a chance, and yes she’s got the ball, but there’s not much she can do with it, and she’s down again, and this time, she is out as well.

There he goes. They must have told him the ball’s filled with some Bugman’s Best, because this time he had no trouble scooping it up. Not much the Green Dukes can do here, but maybe a desperation blitz. And … what a play by Windhand, And Gildar Weedborn catches the ball in a crowd.

But what will he do here? The dwarves have him surrounded. Good gracious! What a dodge. He’s breaking away down the field. But what’s this? Coach Pondripple is shouting at him to throw the ball away. A brilliant plan. Just a few more yards down the field and the ball will be too far away for the Puerkos to have enough time to score.



But … what’s he doing. Weedborn isn’t making the throw. What’s wrong with the kid? Oh no. It looks like he’s got the yips. Not since the days of Mackweed Sassafrass have a seen a case of the yips this bad.

And now, here come the Puerkos. And ooh, after taking that fist to the jaw, Weedborn is wishing he’d let go of that ball. But still, these little fellas have a long way to go. Do they have enough time for their stubby little legs to take them all the way to paydirt. Let’s see …

They’ve got the ball. And there’s the hand off.

Iker "Tatoos" Bernal has a chance here. There’s no way the Dukes can catch him. But can he eke out that extra yard to score before the final whistle. Yes! He’s done it. Bernal has done it!



But what’s this? Coach Pondripple appears to be celebrating as well. Not sure why, given that he turned a win into a tie, but … Ah, that’s right. Another game with no dead elves, that’s three in a row now, a record for the program.