Green Dukes Fall to UT in Chippy, Ejection-Filled Revenge Game
The UT Corpse Volunteers
got their vengeance on Duqueswood University Green Dukes
with a 2-1 victory in the second matchup of a rivalry that has become known as the “Green Rock Grudge Match.” Marred by 9 fouls and 6 ejections, the game devolved at times into an all-out street fight as the Vols sought retribution for their 4-0 loss
, and the Dukes were still chagrinned at the UT band desecrating their lush, green, home field last season with a performance of “Rocky Top.” However, the Corpse Volunteers were able to keep their poise and earn the win, outrushing the Green Dukes 49 – 20, with two touchdowns from standout sophomore ghouls "Mean" Gene McForever and Tim McBleed.
Sidehill drives his spike into Smite’s throat for one of the game’s 9 fouls, while another Green Duke stands by trying (unsuccessfully) to screen the ref from spotting the foul
“Look, I was trying to get my fellas up for the game, so I reminded them that the Vols insulted them and all their ancestors with that little song last year,” said Duqueswood’s Coach Gerric Smithson after the game. “And maybe I hired a minor hedge necromancer to reanimate a couple of dead bodies and have them sing ‘Rocky Top’ during our practices. And maybe I told all the fellas, that was clearly UT having a go at them. Now, had I known that meant my team would go out there and stomp every undead player who fell on the turf, and that three of my guys would get tossed from the game, I might have chosen a more gentle motivational approach.”
Duqueswood looked good early, as the team scored first after a long drive that milked the clock late into the first half. In a play the team calls the “Statue of Liber-Tree,” thrower Bryden Branch ’27 (quantitative root-conomics) faked a quick screen to catcher Mardylin Gittily ’28 (glyph painting) but then handed the ball to junior lineman Garon Streamsong ’26 (molecular acorn analytics) near midfield. With the UT defense shifting to cover Gittily, Streamsong broke through into Corpse Volunteer territory with a four-man cage to protect him.
As Streamsong and his cage sought to run down the clock and score, tempers flared and the rampant fouling began. Zombie lineman Whydoncher Suh started the action by kicking Green Duke thrower Elehorn Oakhand ’26 (quantitative root-conomics) in the head and then chewing on his scalp in an apparent attempt to eat his brain. When the ref, the retired goblin doom diver Winkle Whistlegulp, put an end to Suh’s attempted cannibalism and tossed him from the game, UT Coach Mister Murphy argued that there was no foul because no one playing blood bowl should be thinking, and accordingly the brain should not count as part of the player. Unconvinced, Whistlegulp tossed Murphy from the game as well.
“Clearly this referee does not value his life,” Mr. Murphy, was heard to mutter as he left the field with a dark and menacing sneer. “Or his afterlife.”
Duqueswood quickly retaliated when Styril Sidehill ’27 (creative foliage) drove his spikes into zombie lineman Emmet Smite’s throat in a brutal foul that knocked Smite out of the game and might have killed him—if he were actually alive. Attempting to get control of the match, Whistlegulp immediately tossed Sidehill despite Smithson’s protestation that you can’t foul the dead because they’re already dead. Despite Whistlegulp’s attempt to gain control, things only spiraled from there, as each team committed two more fouls on the drive, and Whistlegulp tossed two more players from each squad.
After Streamsong scored with little time in the half, Duqueswood looked to be in good shape to go into halftime with a 1-0 lead, but a key coaching error by Smithson opened the door for the Vols to get the tying touchdown. The Vols’ McForever had the ball near midfield after dodging blocks from three Green Dukes, but with seconds left there was no way he could reach the end zone before the halftime whistle. Upfield, however, the Vols’ other ghoul runner McBleed was in scoring position. With two players near McBleed, the Green Dukes could have easily marked him or blocked him out of scoring position, but Smithson made the mind-boggling decision to send elf lineman Foren Longweed ’27 (mystical fauna studies) after McForever. When Longweed tripped on the way, McForever was able to run forward and hand the ball to an unmarked McBleed, who sprinted for the end zone and scored just before the whistle.
Asked for the reasoning behind the strange coaching decision after the match, Coach Smithson looked down in shame and mumbled under his breath. Asked to speak up, Smithson clarified only a little bit louder, “I thought McBleed was a zombie and was too slow to reach the endzone. I mean, come on. Ghoul, zombie … they’re both dead, they both eat people, they kind of … look alike.” Asked if he was serious, Smithson punched the podium and erupted, “The ghoul was not who I thought he was! Now if you want to crown him, then crown his a**! But he was not who I thought he was! And I let him off the hook!”
McBleed scores as Green Dukes give chase, and Coach Smithson considers the subtle differences between ghouls and zombies
McBleed’s TD proved critical, as the Corpse Volunteers completed the classic 2-1 Grind with a long touchdown drive in the second half. Despite the usual high-flying cage leaping from the Green Dukes, including a heroic effort to free the ball just a few yards from the goal line with a flying, double flip head-butt over two blockers by war dancer Angorn Windfoot ’27 (undeclared), McForever was able to scoop the ball back up and put the Vols up 2-1 with seconds left in the game.
As the Green Dukes lined up for a desperate last-second scoring attempt known as an “un tirn tee dee” in the elven tongue, the UT band struck up those familiar chords. “Rocky Top” filled the air, and as the entire crowd joined in, suddenly the skies darkened and a fierce snow squall descended on the field. The singing only got louder as the wind howled, the snow swirled, and the elves stumbled blindly, unable to even pick up the ball. As the final whistle sounded, the band rushed the field, the crowd followed, and the Corpse Volunteers celebrated their revenge in fitting fashion—with snow covering the green grass like the cold hand of death itself.
The UT band takes the field and refuses to yield as the game closes with a sudden blizzard that did not slow down the Vols’ celebration in the slightest
Additional Game Notes
Formal Complaint Filed
The game’s near record amount of ejections drew plenty of attention, but new controversy has sprung up around one of the only fouls that did not result in an ejection. Early in the second half, four Corpse Volunteers surrounded downed Green Duke treeman Oakward Weatherborn ’27 (undeclared) and began stomping on his branches, but for the first time after 6 consecutive ejections, the referee did not spot the foul.
Green Duke lineman and noted treeperson advocate Zephyra Gettleaf ’27 (double major: Oakish, women’s and arbor studies) has latched onto this anomaly and filed an official complaint with the NCBB. “This is just another incident of rampant barkism,” she told attendees during a press conference she called after returning to the Duqueswood campus. “Six straight fouls called when violence was committed against elven or undead players, but four zombies stomp on a treeman, and it goes completely unnoticed? This is just the latest evidence that this league, just like our culture, is prejudiced against tree-people.”
The NCBB will have some trouble investigating matter, however, as the referee reportedly disappeared within a few hours of the match. Curiously, Mister Murphy has been seen on the UT campus with a new zombie personal assistant who stands just three feet tall and has an even greener palor to his skin than most other zombies.
Corpses Claim Petrified Grass Trophy
With the win, the Corpse Volunteers claimed the rivalry’s trophy, a patch of petrified grass atop a rock, which has been dubbed the Green Rock and will remain on UT’s campus for the rest of the season. For the Vols, the trophy represents death's dominance over all things. To the Green Dukes, who will try to win it back next year, it's a testament to the power of nature's beauty, which cannot be dulled even by death and petrifaction.
Corpse Volunteer players triumphantly hoist the Green Rock trophy in the air as they parade with students back to campus, where a raging blood and brain kegger no doubt awaits them
The Need for Speed
With two losses to start the season, reports indicate that the pressure to win may be getting to Green Duke captain Mirlin Spinleaf ’26 (tree bark studies). In the days since the game, he’s been seen working with controversial skaven speed and agility coach Skreet Cheeseclaw, who was banned from all Undeworld leaugues a decade ago after testing positive for PEWD (performance-enhancing warpstone dust). The NCBB will likely keep a close eye on this developing relationship.