Grooten's Thrower Camp: Phaedry Featherwind and Deshaun Watson


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On DSPN’s newest show “Grooten’s Thrower Camp,” famed elven ex-coach John Grooten breaks down the stunning thrower play in the Duqueswood University Green Dukes recent 5-2 win over the J.J.C. River Rats in the NCBB.

Transcript

John Grooten: Welcome to Grooten’s Thrower Camp. I’m John Grooten, and today I’m here talking with two of the most exciting young throwers in the game—Phaedry Featherwind from the Duqueswood University Green Dukes and Deshaun Watson of the JJC River Rats.

These two recently went head to snout in a real old fashioned barn burner. We’re talking a game featuring a total of eight combined passes and hand offs. That’s putting more balls in the air here than juggling Rotspawn.

Let’s get right into it and start here with the first touchdown. Now, Ms. Featherwind, You’re set up here with one elf going deep out here on a corner pattern, and then you got your peace dancer Rainbow Unicorn-Love out here in the flat looking for the hand off. What do you call this play?


Phaedry Featherwind: Well, that’s straight out of Coach Smithson’s old playbook. We call it the statue of libertree.

Grooten: Statue of what? No, no, no. In my coaching days, we called this Spider 2 Y Banana. I love that play. Just don’t ever try to run it with a simian team. I did that at Apelacian State and the players got so excited they nearly bit my hand off.

But look at this. You fake the deep pass, hand it to Unicorn Love, and she prances her way to the end zone.

Where’d you learn to handle the rock like that?

Featherwind: Actually, I don’t like to touch rocks. I prefer growing things, elements that surge with the great life-giving force of the all-mother.

Grooten: OK, well let’s take a look at how the River Rats got even here. Deshaun, what do you call this play?

Deshaun Watson: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak.

Grooten: No, no, no. This is Spider 2 Y Banana, clear as day. But anyway, you fade back here real deep, and the Green Dukes defense, they pin their pointy ears back and come after you, but that’s what you wanted, so you can go over the top here to Amari Cooper for the touchdown. You set the trap, and they took the cheese—

Watson: Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak squeak!

Grooten: No. Sorry, that’s just an expression.

Watson: Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!

Grooten: No, no, buddy. There’s no cheese in the building.

But anyway, let’s look at how the Green Dukes get back on top. OK, here we are midway through the first half, and you guys look like you’re in Spider 2 Y Banana again, right?

Featherwind: Actually, …

Grooten: Yeah, so you’re in Spider 2 Y Banana, and you got your team captain, peace dancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch being covered by a rat ogre. Prehensile tail waving all around his legs, snarling snout huffing and puffing cheddar breath all over him, and you decide to make the pass to your catcher, who then hands it to Whitebranch.

What?! What is the read here?

Featherwind: We call that, Chuck it—Dethwyntyr down there somewhere.

Grooten: Dethwyntyr down there somewhere? I like your style, kid.

Featherwind: Uh … thanks.

Grooten: You can run spider 2 Y banana for me anytime.

Featherwind: What does that even mean?

Grooten: Ok, let’s get back to Deshaun here. We’re in the second half now, the game’s 2-2, and the River Rats have a chance to bust this thing wide open. But here come the Green Dukes, full on zero blitz here, but you’re … What do you call this play:

Watson: Squeak squeak squeak—

Grooten: That’s right. Spider 2 Y banana. Now you got to tell me what you’re thinking here, because you’re gonna try to beat this blitz right over the top again, but this time, you got Whitebranch, one of the most agile elves in the league right in your face. So, what’s your read here?

Watson: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak …

Grooten:

Well, I think you took the cheese on this one, my friend

Watson: Squeak, squeak…

Grooten: No, no, it’s an expression. Deshaun, you really need to relax. Maybe you should book yourself a massage or something. Anyway, what I’m saying is you fell right into Whitebranch’s trap, because he goes up, plucks the rock right out of the sky, and goes the other way for a pick six.

Featherwind: Dethwyntyr would never touch a rock either.

Grooten: I know, I know. That’s just another one of those expressions.

OK, last one here. Really some great ball-handling both ways in this game, but here we are late in the game, and the Green Dukes have pretty much put this one away, up 4-2, and Phaedry, here, you’re looking for more. What … What do you call this play?

Featherwind: Uh …

Grooten: Exactly! Spider 2 Y banana, love it. Now watch this throw. They say you learned to throw as a seed caster for the western wood-elf clans, so tell me, were you trying to plant this ball, because you put this thing right in the dirt here.

Featherwind: Well, I, uh …

Grooten: I’m just kidding you. Heck you’re elves. It doesn’t even matter. Just toss the ball up field and hope for the best, right? Your catcher, Zindari Dawnwind, she scoops this thing up and gets it to Koopyr Quick, and nobody’s gonna catch him.

So, there you go. You take this thing running away, 5-2. You know, they say touchdowns don’t grow on trees, but with you guys putting up a five-burger like that, I’m not so sure.

Hey, speaking of trees. You know what does grow on trees?

Featherwind: Leaves, blossoms, acorns …

Grooten: No, no, no – bananas. And you know what might crawl up a tree. Little thing with eight legs?

Featherwind: A spider?

Grooten: That’s right and if there were another one, there’d be ...

Featherwind: Two spiders …

Grooten: Exactly! And if one of them had a question, he’d maybe ask …

Featherwind: Why?

Grooten: There you go. And so you’d call that whole thing?

Featherwind: I’m not gonna say it.

Grooten: Aw, come one!

Featherwind: No, I know what you’re doing, but I’m not gonna say—

Grooten: Spider 2 Y banana!