Green Dukes Embarrassed in 5-0 Shutout by UVIC

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes dropped their second NCBB game in a row in humiliating fashion as they were out-run, out-blocked, out-dodged, out-coached, and out-scored 5-0 by the UVIC Vagabonds. The Vagabond wood-elf squad, which put up 74 rushing yards with a wish-branch style rushing attack, got 2 TDs from freshman catcher McGoo, as well as TDs from sophomore thrower Dalek Deliverer, fleet-footed junior wardancer Mr. Burns (who played excellent … ly), and his classmate and fellow wardancer Moriarty.

“Heck, the way we played defense, I’m surprised they didn’t get a few touchdowns from some of their cheerleaders or maybe some of their elders watching in the stands,” said Duqueswood Coach Gerric Smithson during the postgame press conference. “I think our fellas were a little confused about playing against other elves maybe. It seemed like rather than tackling them they were trying to talk to them about the lineage of the local trees or color of the winds or some other elf crap—I mean lore, elf lore—and meanwhile these Vagabond kids were running circles around them scoring touchdowns left and right.”


Mr. Burns was far too fast for any of the Duqueswood magecasts to capture anything other than a blur, but at least one student in attendance, Mardlyn Gittily, visiting from a distant elven art college was so impressed by the UVIC wardancer that she painted this rendering based on depictions of an ancient mythic human character who bore the same name and hailed from a mysterious land known as Springfield

Once again the lone bright spot for the Green Dukes was the outstanding physical play of freshman lumber-on treeman Oakward Weatherborn ’26 (undeclared), who had two casualties on 7 successful blocks in his second game. “Kid really laid some wood out there, if you know what I mean,” said Coach Smithson of Weatherborn’s effort. “Or, you could say he took some of their players out behind the woodshed, right? Get it? No one? Really?”

Despite how quickly he seems to have taken to the game, Weatherborn’s place on the Duqueswood team remains a source of campus controversy. A petition demanding Weatherborn be granted a full scholarship and released from the team has received over 2,000 signatures. Scratched in mud on a stone tablet because of the school’s mandate against the use of tree-killing paper, the petition also urges that Weatherborn’s in-tree-cent exposure charges be dropped immediately.

“As I said I was going to do last week, I went to the Green Duke’s practice to talk to Mr. Smithson about the way Oakward had been pressured into becoming a part of this spectacle of brutality and gore you all call a sport, and let’s just say it didn’t go all that well,” Zephira Gettleaf ’26 (double major: Oakish; women’s & arbor studies), who started the petition, told Duqueswood scribes earlier this week. According to several unnamed sources, Gettleaf stormed onto the Green Duke’s practice field two days before the game, and got into a heated exchange about Weatherborn’s controversial recruitment following his arrest after streaking onto the field during the Green Duke’s third game of the season. Sources report phrases being used such as “blatant oakslpoitation” and “environmental assault.”

“Then the coach asked her to put on one of our spare uniforms,” said a Duqueswood player who declined to be identified. “I think he was trying to show her that the game was safe because we have armor and padding on. He had her perform a simple block on him to show her that she wouldn’t get hurt. Kind of like, if you don’t get hurt, then you know Oakward’s not going to get hurt. But then she drilled coach right in the chin with her shoulder pad, knocked him out before he even hit the ground, and security removed her from the practice field.”

If the reports of this exchange are accurate, it may help to explain a curious coaching decision in the first half of the game, for which Smithson is currently under investigation by the university. With two Green Duke’s players badly injured during the Vagabond’s first scoring drive, Smithson found himself with only 10 players for the kick-off that followed. Rather than using a journeyman to fill out his squad, Smithson made the questionable decision to recruit from the stands.

“I looked in the bleachers, and I saw that Gettleaf maiden there with a bunch of her protesters,” Smithson explained. “After our … uh … discussion earlier this week, I felt like maybe she had a knack for the game, so I told her if she joined the team, I’d give her unfettered access to Weatherborn for her research. I guess she’s not that opposed to all the sport’s violence, because that got her out onto the field pretty darn quick.”

As Gettleaf lined up alongside Oakward for the kick-off with the Green Dukes down only 1-0, the scene had all the makings of a feel-good story. Then UVIC’s Mr. Burns charged full-speed at Gettleaf and delivered a spinning elbow to her throat. Carried off the pitch bleeding profusely from the mouth, Gettleaf can now boast the shortest debut in team history at 12 seconds, and she’s expected to miss at least one game, if she’s in fact permitted to remain on the team.


Gettleaf lies on the field after being seriously injured 12 seconds into her surprising debut

Following the game the Duqueswood University Office of Student Safety launched an investigation into Smithson’s unorthodox recruitment of his newest linewoman, alleging that the coach may have broken several eon-old school policies restricting the use of academic research access as compensation for engaging in violence. Though the policies were put into place during the great Wasteland Wars, when hundreds of Duqueswood students were recruited to the frontlines as orc-fodder with the promise that they would have the rare opportunity to study the Eastern Waste’s fauna (which, in fact, was nonexistent), several experts in ancient eleven code believe the policy could be applicable to modern Blood Bowl as well.

Now on a two-game losing streak, facing protests for his recruitment of Weatherborn and possible disciplinary action for his recruitment of Gettleaf, the Green Duke’s new human coach has quickly lost his shine, going from university darling to sitting on the hotseat. After complaining for weeks about the difficulty of coaching wood elves, Coach Smithson faced tough questions from the scribes this week, who demanded to know if their race is so hard to coach, why did the other wood elves manage to post a 5-0 shutout against his squad.

“Look, I don’t know, maybe they’ve been at this a bit longer,” Smithson said. “We’re a brand-new program here. It might take some time for us to really get our feet under us, for these kids to fully understand the pitch is more than a place to prance about and chase butterflies. In the meantime, I guess, all I can say is that the only thing harder than coaching wood elves is coaching against wood elves.”

Now 2-3 on the season after a promising 2-1 start, the Green Dukes will face off against some more familiar orc foes as they take on Washington State Orkricultural.