Undefeated Purple Pain Eye Playoff Berth


The Purple Prince performs the team song in the end zone after a recent game. The performances of the team’s ode to sacrificing thralls for the greater good has quickly become a tradition after each win.

With 4 victories and 1 tie through their first 5 games of the Bonehead League, the Sylvaniapolis Purple Pain have many saying they got the look of a playoff team. Just one win out of the last four games to go in the regular season will earn the vampire team a spot in the postseason.

“This is clearly should be no surprise or controversy,” said team captain and runner The Purple Prince, who leads the squad with three TDs on the season. “Sometimes Nuffle is just on your side, and everything feels automatic or almost like you’re delirious, you know?”

As the team prepares for the stretch run, let’s take a look back at how they’ve kept the momentum for this impressive start going after their opening 2-0 win over the Gorgoth Infernals.

Game 2: 2-0 vs. Irn-Bru Quaffers


Though they stood up well to the dwarves blocking, the vampires did complain that having to bend so far down to hypno-gaze the dwarves strained some backs and necks

The Vampire Formerly Known as Prince (thrower) and Sheila E-vil (runner) each ran for a score in a shutout that saw the vampire squad nearly match the sturdier dwarf squad 41 to 44 on blocks. In addition to some well-placed kick-offs, the key, E-vil said, was frequently using hypnotic gazes to take away the dwarves' blocking skills before blitzing them.

“That was tough though,” she said after the game. “Bending down to look those little fellas in eye so much kind of put a crick in my neck.”

Game 3: 1-0 vs. Helles Belles


Ghoul runner Annar Dee Armaz tries to dodge along the sidelines moments before blitzer Leesa Killman surfs her into the crowd

Out-blocked, out rushed, and out-cas’d (with two serious injuries and the death of a thrall), the Purple Pain looked sure to take their first loss in this match vs. the all-female Necromantic Horror team. However, a key positioning mistake late in the first half tilted the game when Helles Belles’ ghoul runner Annar Dee Armaz ran too close to the sidelines on her way toward what looked to be a likely touchdown.

Purple Pain blitzer Leesa Killman quickly charged toward her, lowered her shoulder, and blitzed the alluring ghoul clear into the second row of the stands. “Well, when I saw her standing so close to the edge of the field,” said Killman, lowering a pair of darkened glasses. “I just thought maybe she needed to … get off.”

Though the Purple Pain were not able to score after the crowd threw the ball back in, the key surf enabled them to hold Helles Belles scoreless in the first half, so that a late second-half TD from The Purple Prince gave them the win.

Game 4: 1-1 vs. Stratford Mobstars


The Stratford Mobstars’ skaven thrower Al Capone was spotted in the Purple Pain locker room stealing the team’s BlooderAde in an attempt to generate more blood-lust in the second half.

Star player Bomber Dribblesnot turned the tide for the Mobstar underworld squad in the first half when he hit The Purple Prince in the face with a bomb just a few yards from the end zone as the vamp was threatening to score. Though the official records indicated that the vampire runner missed the rest of the game with an injury, fans told reporters that they saw The Purple Prince dancing in the casualty box for the remainder of the match.

“I just figured, hey, every gobbo’s got a bomb we could all die here today,” he said later told reporters. “Before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away.”

Gutter runner Lucky Luciano then put the Mobstars up 1-0, but the Purple Pain were able to take Luciano down late in the second half as he was threatening to ice the game with a second TD. After a bit of scrum, the vampires hypnotized several goblins and rats, enabling runner Shelie E-vil to scoop up the ball. Despite several blood-lusts on her way to the endzone, the speedy vamp nibbled a well-placed thrall nearly to death on her way to a late TD to tie the game.

With players named Luciano, Ma Baker, Pablo Escobar, and Al Capone, it’s no surprise that after the game there were reports of the Mobstars stealing vials of blood from the Purple Pain locker room in an attempt to cause the vampires to suffer more blood-lusts in the second half.

“Well, to us the stadium is a temple,” said the Purple Prince after the game, before lowering his own pair of darkened glasses. “So let’s just say there were definitely thieves in the temple tonight.”

Game 5: 3-0 vs. Tears n' Fears


Depending on who you ask, Tears n’ Fears dark elf lineman Relerar Dareene either places a Druchii curse on the Purple Pain or weeps loudly on the sidelines near the end of the game.

With touchdowns from thrower Morris Night, blitzer Leesa Killman, and even lowly thrall Wendy Hellvoin, the Purple Pain dominated the dark elf team, which could not execute despite a solid coaching plan. The vampire team out-blocked the delves 36 to 26 and out-gained them 44 yards to 18, as the normally agile Tears n’ Fears squad seemed thoroughly cursed by Nuffle, struggling to dodge or even complete a single pass.

The bad luck, however, could shift from the delves to their opponents in the future. Some fear the road ahead could be dangerous for the Purple Pain, as injured dark elf lineman Relerar Dareene was heard placing a Druchii curse on the team from the injury box at the end of the game.

But the Purple Pain’s team captain isn’t worried.

“A curse?” The Purple Prince said after the game. “Yeah, I heard all that noise he was making from the casualty box, but I don’t think it was a curse. I believe he was just weeping from the pain of his injury. I thought, huh, I guess, ‘this is what it sounds like when delves cry.’”