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mgetty (15134)
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2024-01-03 18:07:39
2 votes, rating 6
A Green Duke Mystery Solved, Part 2

A Green Duke Mystery Solved, Part 2

Here we continue The Duqueswoodian’s “Investigative Series on the Final 4 Games of Duqueswood University’s NCBB Season 43.” Below is the second recovered recap from the team’s last four games, which the university previously declined to publish and attempted to destroy:

ChunderBeards Dominate Green Dukes in 2-0 Shutout

The Duqeswood Green Dukes were no match for the UBC ChunderBeards' stout dwarf team, which shut out the elf squad 2-0, dealing out 5 casualties and yet another elven death in the process. UBC’s dominant and bruising rushing attack produced touchdowns from junior blitzer Handlebar and the shifty senior runner Zappa, who led all players with 16 rushing yards on the day.

“I knew dwarves were strong blockers, but I’ve never seen anything like this Zappa fella,” said Duqueswood Coach Gerric Smithson after the game. “He blocks like a black orc, dodges like an elf, and runs like a skaven. Maybe it’s the beard. I’ve asked the NCBB to investigate whether his beard was thicker and more lustrous than regulations allow. I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws here.”

Zappa opened the scoring on a long well-blocked touchdown run that none the less seemed to stall around the Green Dukes 20-yard line. Rather than opting for their normally aggressive defensive attack, Duqueswood fell back into a conventional column defense, which the ChunderBeards slowly pushed down the field. However, with seconds left on the first-half clock, the Green Dukes seemed to have Zappa hemmed in short of the goal line. That’s when Zappa set his long beard spinning with two pirouetting dodges and a desperate sprinting dive to cross the goal line and put UBC up 1-0.

“I reached for that beard to try to get hold of him,” said Green Duke junior lineman Greeny Bullwind (history of dirt) after the game. “But it was so wet with ale it slipped right through my fingers.”

Zappa evades Bullwind’s tackle and runs for the opening TD

Duqueswood tried to establish a passing game in the second half, when junior thrower Elehorn Oakhand (quantitative rootcomonmics) took the opening kickoff and several elves moved up field on a variety of pass routes. Unfortunately, the ChunderBeards quickly eliminated most receiving threats with devastating blocks, including one by junior troll slayer Goatee, who fractured six of junior lineman Garon Streamsong’s (molecular acorn analytics) ribs with a hard-charging head-butt at midfield. As several of those fractured ribs punctured the injured elf’s lungs, he died on the field moments later, struggling to breathe.

“We will no longer stand by as this brutal sport claims the life of one elfling after another,” said Duqueswood Vice President of Student Safety Baerys Pondripple, whose own son died on the field last season, and who just recently regained the use of his jaw. “I have initiated the dissolution of the university’s blood bowl program with the Duqueswood Board of Elders, as this is the fourth death this season alone. When this institution is finally rid of this barbaric sport, Streamsong, and my dearest Perys, will not have died in vain.”

Pondripple announces that he has asked the Duqueswood Board of Elders to dissolve the university’s blood bowl program during the postgame press conference, as a clearly perturbed Coach Smithson looks on from the background

More importantly for the match at hand, Streamsong’s death left Oakhand with no receivers still standing and a gaping hole in his cage. UBC sophomore blocker Garibaldi quickly blitzed forward, driving his shoulder into Oakhand’s hip, knocking the thrower to the ground, and sending the ball flying. Sophomore blocker Stubble, caught the loose ball, ran up field and handed it to Handlebar who scored in the final seconds to slam the door on any potential Green Duke comeback.

Stubble ends the Green Duke’s drive with a brutal tackle on Oakhand

“My focus is preparing my elves for the next game,” Coach Smithson said when he was asked about Pondripple’s efforts to dissolve the program. “OK, I don’t have time for this bureaucratic nonsense. I mean, look, the university gives us a field to practice and play on and that’s it. I can’t even have paper to make up a playbook because the mere mention of paper is a desecration of the sanctity of trees. They’ve only given our apothecary one ancient healing potion to work with. So fine, yeah, you want to dissolve this program? What are you gonna do? Take away all of the nothing you’ve given these fellas the last two years?”
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Posted by BlarghBowl on 2024-01-04 03:44:04
"Investigate whether his beard was thicker and more lustrous than regulations allow" oh man I howled! that was amazing
Posted by gettym on 2024-01-05 22:26:18
To quote that great dwarven hype-man, Mars Rockmon, "It's gotta be the beard."