C’Mon Elf!


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Transcript:

Chrysanthemum Carter: Welcome back to DSPN, the Duqueswood Sports and Plant Network. I’m Chrysanthemum Carter, here with Streeve Young, and it’s time for our favorite segment …

Carter and Streeve Young: C’Mon Elf!

Young: Our first one takes us out to Myrilthorn Meadow, where one of the glade wardens planted little bluestem grass right next to blue grama grass. Warm season grass side-by-side with drought resistant grass? C’mon Elf!

Carter OK, OK, let’s go out to Sylvania, where the Duqueswood University Green Dukes are taking on Pepperdine. Down 1-0, Green Dukes thrower Phaedry Featherwind has a ton of elves going deep, ready to tie up the game. All she has to do is pick up the ball, and … she bobbles it, not once, but twice—allowing vampire thrower Banheen Otto the scoop and score. C’Mon Elf!

YoungOK, let’s stay with Featherwind and the Green Dukes here. Seconds to go in the first half, down 2-0, but Duqueswood has a chance to get back in the game.

Featherwind makes a perfect, on-target long bomb to catcher Koopyr Kwick in the end zone here, but let’s look at her footwork. She sets up with a 3 step drop here, instead of a 7 step, which means Pepperdine vargheist Okar Clarita has a chance to interfere.

But it’s a vargheist right? No way he’s agile enough to interfere … and he goes up and slaps that thing down with his wing. I know we’re talking about a young thrower here with Featherwind, but this kind of thing is just unforgiveable. One step over and there’s no way Clarita can get a wing on that ball. You know what they say. Lazy feet get you beat. C’Mon Elf!

Carter: Now, let’s go out to the Eversheim River where a pollinator elf is carrying a pile of pollen from one lilly to another and … she sneezes.

Young: A pollinator elf with hay fever!

Carter: C’mon Elf!

Young: OK, back to the Duquesood-Pepperdince game here. The Green Dukes have a chance to get back in it, as catcher Zindari Dawnwind makes a great play to get to the end zone here. Featherwind gets the ball to sophomore thrower Gilwin Windhand, and all he needs to do is put a little giddy-up in his step here to make the quick pass, but … he trips over his own feet, not once, not twice, but 3 times, going down to the pitch, and knocking himself out. C’Mon Elf!

Carter: Well, I hate to pile on our Green Dukes here, but this game just had more than it’s fair share of head scratchers. Let’s look at this play late in the second half, when catcher Koopyr Kwick tries to make a dodge, and oopsie, down he goes.

But that’s not the problem. The problem is the poor kid hits his head on a rock, bleeds out on the field, the Pepperdine team has a blood feast, draining the poor kid like a dwarven youth rec blood bowl team poking all their straws into the same beer box, if you know what I mean.

Then Pepperdine’s vampire lord gives Koopyrs corpse the kiss of life, and they bring him back from the dead as a thrall. But the problem here is the Duqueswood media relations team.

Rather than admitting Kwick was killed, they issue a statement claiming that Coach Pondripple’s deathless streak for the Green Dukes remains intact because—get this—kKwick isn’t technically dead—he just transferred.

Young: They really think we’re gonna buy that one?

Carter: I don’t think so. The all-mama didn’t raise no fool. C’Mon Elf!

Young: OK, last one here. The game is out of reach, 3-0, but the Green Dukes have a chance to maybe make it respectable with a late TD to avoid the shut out. Once again Featherwind has a bunch of elves open deep, and once again she goes to pick up the ball and …

Carter: Oh no, don’t say it. Oh no …

Young: Yep, she boots it. C’mon elf!

Carter: This looked like it was just one of those games for the poor kids. You know there’s an ancient elven saying for this kind of thing.

Young: Don’t say it!

Carter: What? You don’t believe …

Young: I’m telling you don’t tempt fate. Nuffle is always listening.

Carter: You think if I just speak the words of the ancient curse …

Young: I’m just saying, I wouldn’t do it.

Carter: Oh, c’mon, I’m just talking about the ancient, legendary, elven phrase for an insurmountable curse: ‘roolyn dubyl onz’

[lighting strikes destroying the set.]

Carter: Oopsie.

Young:C’mon elf!