Green Dukes Fall 2-1 to UBC in NCBB Season Finale, Fail to Qualify for Bowl, Trigger Another Investigation into Potential Safety Violations
The Duqueswood University Green Dukes closed out their NCBB season with a 2-1 loss to the UBC ChunderBeards, with a slew of elf casualties that have once again placed Coach Gerric Smithson’s future with the university in question. Freshman wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (elven miliary science) scored the lone TD for Duqueswood, while UBC got TDs from dwarf runners Zappa II and Van Dyke III, who led all players with 23 yards on the day.
Van Dyke III scores the game opening TD
The loss brings the Green Dukes to 3-3-4 on the season, dropping them out of bowl contention. More troublingly, the game featured a staggering 6 casualties for Duqueswood, including two more deaths. Those mortalities brought the team’s death-to-win ratio to 5:3, drawing once again the attention of the university’s Board of Elders.
In a statement released shortly after the game, the Board of Elders declared that they have opened an investigation into potential safety violations in the university’s football program. The investigation, they note, will also explore potentially troubling ties between the team’s spiraling death count and the rousing success of Coach Smithson’s wife’s vegetable and flower stand.
“Look, all I’m going to say is there’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that we’re trying to get the fellas killed out there to help my wife’s garden,” said Smithson, who began using his wife’s garden as a cemetery for his players after the team exceeded its annual return-to-the-forest ceremony budget earlier this season. “But I will say that we are currently running a 2-for-1 sale on cabbage heads, and the elf blood does seem to give our sauerkraut an extra little zip.”
In the weeks since converting their family garden into a cemetery for dead players, the Smithson’s have opened a thriving farm stand with cabbages whose astounding size has drawn plenty of customers as well as the eye of the university’s Board of Elders
The ChunderBeards scored on their opening drive, despite a heroic effort by Whitebranch, who made a leaping cage dive to separate Van Dyke III from the ball along the northern sideline late in the first half. The dwarf team, however, quickly recovered the ball, surfed Whitebranch into the crowd and scored, having KO’d, seriously injured, or killed 8 Green Dukes on the drive.
“We had an opportunity to take control, but those removals definitely cost us,” said Whitebranch. “It’s tough to stop dwarves even when you’re full strength, but it’s even more difficult to slow down those bearded little bullies when your dead, in the KO or casualty box, or dodging flying beer steins in the stands.”
Duqueswood did nearly tie the game up before the end of the half, mounting a heroic “un tirn teedee” effort on the ensuing kickoff with just six players on the field. Pushing loner dwarf blocker lineman Kevin Dirtyhammer into sophomore Scootyr Spinleaf (history of dirt) while the kick was in the air, the Green Dukes gave the speedy catcher the extra momentum he needed to streak down the field and cross the goal line before the closing seconds. Despite expertly dodging between two highly skilled dwarf tacklers, Spinleaf lost the ball, tripping as he attempted to dive across the goal line just before the halftime whistle.
Spinleaf trips and fumbles at the goal line just barely missing a chance to even the score at half time
“Love the effort by that kid,” said Coach Smithson on Spinleaf, the younger brother of the team’s former captain, deceased wardancer Mirlin Spinleaf. “Just got bit by the turf monster at the wrong time, I guess. Shoot, to be clear, in case any of my guys read this, the turf monster is not real. It’s just a metaphor. I believe in elven they call in ‘wrolyn a wun’ at the worst possible time.”
UBC all but sealed the game midway through the second half when sophomore dwarf lineman Hipster II strip-sacked Green Dukes’ junior thrower Bryden Branch (quantitative root-conomics) near the goal line. Zappa II then scooped up the ball and trundled across the goal line to give UBC a commanding 2-0 lead.
“We were trying to Dakka,” Branch explained after the game. “But it’s kind of tough to pull off when you only got three other guys out there who can stand up let alone try to get open.”
The Green Dukes were able to avoid the shutout, however, scoring a late TD after Spinleaf broke into the clear along the southern sideline. Zappa II was able to dodge away from Whitebranch’s block, and just barely catch Spinleaf, kicking out his legs from behind, and sending the catcher to the pitch and the ball into the stands. The rowdy crowd tossed the ball just a few yards from the endzone, where Whitebranch was able to gather it for the scoop and score after leaping over two dwarves and dodging away from a third.
The effort was too little too late, however, as UBC easily ran out the clock for the 2-1 victory after receiving the ensuing kick off.
“That was a heck of a play by Whitebranch, but I have to admit I really was hoping to see Spinleaf get the TD,” said Coach Smithson after the game. “Kid’s been through a lot with what happened to his brother last year, and the injuries he’s had this season. It pains me to say this because the Spinleaf family has meant so much to this program, but I’m afraid Scootyr’s probably going to need to focus on his education next season, if you know what I mean.”
Whitebranch leaps over two dwarves on his way to a scoop and score for the Green Dukes only TD on the day
Hampered by a smashed collarbone and a fractured skull, Spinleaf’s athletic ability has been reduced to that of a large and very fast snotling. However, according to his parents and wealthy university donors, Myrvis and Scyntia Spinleaf, he’s hoping to remain on the team for his junior year.
“We’ll be meeting with the coach later this week to discuss our son’s future, and to purchase a few pounds of cabbages,” Scyntia Spinleaf said. “We understand Coach Smithson’s currently having some challenges with the university board of elders, and with our elfanthropic history, we think we might be able to help.”
As another disappointing season comes to an end, Coach Smithson’s future once again hangs in the balance. If Smithson manages to survive through next season, it’s clear that there’s only one to control the team’s spiraling death-to-win ratio. Since keeping his players alive seems to be impossible, he’ll eventually have to figure out how to do the unthinkable—win.
