An interview with the vampire

This episode we bring to you an exclusive interview with team owner Lady Lenore.



What motivated you to build a team to compete in the Old World's most popular game?"
Oh I've never cared for the game - a bunch of brutes and their mindless entertainment. You can tell what drivel it is by its popularity with the masses. My reason for starting the team was simply to show the Scions of Neferata that I'm better off without them. Their approach in unlife is far too hands-on for a self-respecting Lahmian. I wanted to show that - rather than sullying yourself - it's better to find some low-life thugs and have them do the work for you. Hence the creation of my beasts. However, there is one area that I've come to enjoy. Some of the successful players are rather... virile, and I have developed a certain... carnal... interest in that side of the sport.

Who do you think will win Clay this year?
I'd like to say that we had a fighting chance of finishing in first place. However the Karak Grimghal Boulderfists are coached by CIBBL admin Burnalot. You know as well as I do how these things tend to go... late disqualifications, contract difficulties and referees more bent than a boomerang. I tried measures to have him dealt with, but alas he is protected by the guild. So I believe second place is all we can hope for.

Which team do you admire the most in CIBBL?
The Horsemen of The Great Kurgan impress me. The strong are rightfully dominating the weak, but even their slaves are powerfully built and far more useful than the poxy chattel that I'm cursed with. I'd like to meet this Great Kurgan, preferably somewhere dark if you know what I mean.

Agony Aunt Iselda



On behalf of the catering team of a Skaven team, do you hve any personal recipes to share? The fans are tired of warpstone and cheese, and thought you might have something with a bit more punch to it. Please, give us anything before we become the next meal!
Gosh that diet sounds super unhealthy. Don't you know how much saturated fat is in cheese? Back when I had a metabolism I used to ... oh but you are asking about feeding the fans!? You have it all backwards my good rat - the fans are there to be fed on!

Will we ever learn the secret behind Terrible Ivan's name?
Staggering. You have the opportunity to ask anything, and yet you choose to prattle on something that's entirely self-evident. Might I suggest you apply to the Angry Hungry Hairy Chewers so you can associate with your own kind?

Thank you to the coach of the Dark Room Delights who wrote in about his many problems. Unfortunately, given the adult nature of the content, I am unable to answer them here. But lay off the next few 'delights', and for heaven's sake see a doctor.

Congratulations Nobby_Nobbs, you win a prank* execution from Khalida. We're sending you two free tickets to our next game. Bring your mate along for some 'VIP locker room access' before the match. Wink wink.

*Prank but not fake.

Pretty well matched teams - none too fast but full of fight. Take it away boys and girls.

The sun came out and dried up the rain as the start. Ironbreaker is a coach who knows his stuff. Gave us the old side to side didn't he? Caught a flank under protected and shot through for a TD.

We join in the closing stages of the second half. Baron Louis has caused the first CAS of the match and esteemed coach Muff2n spies a way to free him for a rookie game TD. When you can cheat and just hypno players away, it's kinda cheating. But there is risk, any mistake and the Hammers will have a chance to respond and go 2-0 ahead.

Francoise the ball carrier is marked. Louis doubly so. Sir Courduin and Sir Reynard go to free Louis up via the cheating hypnogaze, while executioner Khalida charges at Seigfried to get him away from Francoise. That should leave him free to shimmy around a defender and get in close for a quick pass. Pull that off and they'll be no stopping us.



Oh what a choker. That was your moment, beast. I hope we haven't just signed another Sir Reynard. Fortunately the long bomb in response was inaccurate (some would say wildly, but CIBBL doesn't have that trite) and we trundled off to enjoy blood oranges sans the orange at half time.


Our drive was greatly helped by many a KO, and we scored in 4 turns. The Hammers collected the ball and tried the side to side on us again. This time we piled in hard and got through to mark the ball carrier. The Hammers elect to play it safe and focus on clearing off the attackers, but Vampire Knights do not fall down easily to mere mortals. Suddenly Fearful Farkas bear hugs his man to the ground for a turnover. A score is on the cards. Khalida runs into Gotfreid and applies eastwards pressure at the same time as Sir Reynard throws back this opponent to bounce Sir Courduin free. Janos darts around to assist Rasut in sacking Siegfried. And if she fails to take him down, the Sir Corduin follow up surely won't. Then we just need to pray that his red mist clears up quickly enough for him to find the ball, pick it up, and be away. Once he's the closest thing to the endzone you can bet your house on a touchdown.



Well that's why you shouldn't bet kids. Come to think of it, this kind of thing has happened before... attacked from behind ... is that visor restricting his vison too much? I'd ask him myself but he never says anything.

Janos comes flying in and dumpsters Siegfried. Unfortunately there isn't enough time left for the big beast himself to collect the ball and take it over the line. So he heads straight to the endzone leaving Francoise - the hero passer against the Haunters - to deliver the goods.



What the hell Khalida?!

We join the game. What I have managed to do is to get all of my players sucked into a line of scrimmage where I have less guard, block and stand firm. I say all, there's one free - Francoise the ball carrier (that's his full name). Being a 2D block addict I naturally send him in to support Sir Corduin. Unfortunately, predictably (if I bothered to think ahead in this game), this leaves Sir Courduin unsupported and the dwarfs teamed up on him with Okirk smashing him to the ground.



Right so now I'm in the same situation as before except that my ball carrier is in danger. Can you see the way this game is going? It was at this moment that I decided to try a 'Power Play'. It's what I do when I panic.



Sir Courduin surges to his feet to destroy the puny Okrik in return. Iselda frees up Sir Reynard and he comes into assist. The other thralls - not sure what their names are, they all look the same - clear a path for Francois to dart through. He is then 'supported' by Baron Louis who evades his markers. Honestly with his dress sense Louis would be much happier on a classical vampire team. Being a cape wearing flower he'd probably prefer the agile plays to boot. Hint hint Nuffle, +AG stat please.



Well it wouldn't be a power play without a sacked thrall. But that bounce was lovely, and all Baron Louis has to do is pick up the ball and refrain from eating anything for a few more minutes. And me not to jinx it.



What did you think was going to happen? We're professionals.

The second half began, and I was conscious that there was still no blood on the pitch. The fans were leaving in droves. We needed to change that and fast.

Duchess Iselda rose to the occasion, earned herself a Tripple X, became a Star Player, and killed a dwarf! Rejoice the world is one bit better off as there's one fewer dwarf in it. Duchess Iselda the dwarf killer has a good ring to it.















What? Oh go on then you sadist.

This is our season. We're going to win it! This is their turn 3. Notice how they have 5 players remaining. Five!



Sir Corduin's red mist had seem him busy trampling a horror instead of screening out the Lord of Change. So yeah, 5 players, only one who is standing, yet apparently that's sufficient to waltz in and sack my ball carrier. But it doesn't matter. Nuffle is with us and Iselda is a great player. There's some friction between her and Corduin now as she's stolen one of his sponsors. Anyway, we go into half time 1-0 up, but very little of the damage inflicted was lasting, so the game is still on.

Turn 1 of the second half, and PtrusxllG start with a bang (that's the explosion) and a temporary kill of Iselda! Fortunately vampires have a habit of coming back.



:) that was a freebie. We're top of the table! There's never been a better time to be a BoCK fan.



What I thought my players' development should be to align with their on-pitch performances:
Sir Corduin: Str 5.
Duchess Iselda: Jump-up.
Baron Louis: Too early to say, perhaps Ag 4?
Sir Reynard: imminent retirement. 25 games and no touchdowns? What does he think we are trying to do here exactly?

Here's what Nuffle saw fit to give me: +1 Ag for Sir Reynard! That's right, I have a stat+ vamp. This is our season.

This week we face some khanites. It was against Khaine worshippers that I started writing proper reports. Back when I had fresh jokes and innovative ideas, not just endless rehashing. Oh and sod this new spotlight on the players approach, this game was wild, and that means too many GIFs.

We receive, so you know that the first GIF is going to be a turn one sack of our (now Ag4) ball carrier. Let's get this over with.



We recover, do our thing, hurt elves, and move up the pitch. The khanites are busy trying to kill our thralls (they took our jobs!) so we are a bit spread out with the weaker players left behind.



A nice sack and catch by Sanlo3. Unfortunately the ball carrier is a blodge stepper, so we are going to need to handle this delicately. Not a word that is typically used to describe our plays...



Very professional from Iselda, but damn that shadowing. Not only do I keep forgetting about it, but a frustrated Sir Courduin gives up escaping and turns around to gaze his tail. You never ever want to be in this position vs elves. I should know, I often get in such positions vs elves.



Yes, yes, point and click race. It's cheating when you can handle the ball so well. Well, seeing as I so cunningly left all of my thralls behind (go thralls!) we can cheat our way out of this one too.



That's the first step done. Now time for a taste of their own medicine.




Not sure if that counts as lucky or unlucky...




... Ok. Nice work by Sir Courduin to tackle Ridsal as he tries to cut loose. Let's try that again. Go Iselda go!




Ah, the endzone trip. A Nuffle joke as old as BB itself. Hilarious -_-


No one does the side to side better than elves. But when you have extra men (and women) it is easier to plug those holes. With time (and player count) ticking down the khainites make a lunge up the flank. We need to sack them ASAP to be able to score a turnover touchdown.

It's time to unleash the ball sacker extraordinaire. Some say that even the ball is afraid of him.



Funny, Belashor seems to still be standing - ball still in hand - exactly where he was. That's not how it normally works. The khanites desperately push Sir Corduin aside and dart past.



They are close now, but with a screen as even looser than what we'd manage to put together. Surely that isn't going to cut it against this defence.



Ah yes first block quad skulls. Oh you are a funny one Nuffle! This is the second time Khalida has screwed us over this season. She needs to consider how much she wants to be a part of this team, as opposed to being part of a bone meal product.

This week we faced the Endlings Wanderers . We last faced absolutely diced them last year here.

We could really use a win to keep the title hopes alive. But it seems that Nuffle is still with us. Doofr answers the question, "when is a blitz not a blitz?"



When you skull out, wasting a TRR and an apo.

The BoCK have been pushing up a side line. Normally I try to string out my players to maintain more central control, but a 2+ leaping guard, with a many a leaping sacker, including one with wrestle + strip ball mean that I'm packing the cage with all of my guard.



The Wanderlings counter attack and leave a small gap, but it smells a bit fishy froggy. So why not try out a new strategy and switch sides? This left the BoCK thinly stretched as parts of the team weren't able to keep up. Then both Sir C and Duchess I failed to bring down a blitzer. With the diving tackle piece standing, progress was impossible. It was going to have to be a turn 8 handoff or pass so we went full elf mode (or at least tried to).



I shouldn't have left a cage corner in contact. But ok, it's the last turn and there is still a shot at a TD. I know it's raining, but if the guy in the pointy hat can fry some frogs Iselda has enough movement to score.



Whyyyy didn't I stand Kala up??? It's rule one of BB. You stand your players up before you do the risky scoring attempt.

Second half and this coach was desperate. A loss ends our dreams of a trophy. But after an opening fumbbl from the Wanderers, the vampires charge down the ball. All except Sir Reynard that is. He falls flat on his face.



Time for a vampire blood frenzy! We love a good blood frenzy.



Although the Wanderlings retreat, that isn't going to save them.



I chose not to score at this point, believing Sir Corduin to be safe, in order to let the blood frenzy continue. And put that bribe to good use. Although a win is important, the higher movement, higher agility of the Slann was a concern so I wanted more of a numbers advantage going into the next kick-off.

Alas I was wrong. Things were not as safe as I'd hoped. But the BoCK keep it rough and kettle the Slann into their own endzone.



... only to see them leap free.



... and us botch the pickup. We don't have time for this (A casual third removal from Courduin though. You can tell he's pissed.)



And with fortunate tackle, there was just time for us to level the score. 1-1 gg.

It is with great sadness that I see the Orc team listed as available for CIBBL. Firstly the BoCK vs Grimbonian Giants was perhaps the most fun game to date, and we were looking forward to the rematch later this autumn.

Secondly, Baka had produced the Best magazine since SCRIBBL, as well as many match reports. Be sure to check out his 2020 archive for more action.

The fail that decided the day:

In the second half the Giants were under pressure and were telegraphing a TTM attempt to escape (they had tried and bungled it once already this half). But the over eager BoCK had swarmed their foes and neglected to leave a deep defender. High movement TTM attempts be damned! Unfortunately they also failed to interpose themselves between the hand-off attempt or really put any tackle zones on the key players involved. What can I say, hurting pixies is just too tempting! Good thing it's raining...



We win! We are top of the table! But here is where it get's ugly. CIBBL uses head-to-head as the first tiebreaker. And coincidentally the only team we lost to also is top of the table... No matter that we have a +15 CAS delta and they have a paltry -6... So the elves win again, what a surprise. I guess our wait for a first place continues.

Lady Lenore was furious that after two years we are still medal-less. In her wisdom she has taken a more active role in coaching the team and has made some changes...

Firstly, the vampires have been punished by a compulsion which denies them from feeding on blood. The result is that they are now part mad, part angry, and crazy, part vengeful, and part psycho. This may or may not be a good thing; I don't know, I try to avoid them as best I can these days. They should be caged really.

Secondly, she decreed that the *best* thralls were to be raised to re-join the team as zombies. Or in the case of poor Ana, killed and then risen. Allow me to welcome back to the fold Pitiful Petar, Stricken Ana, Irakli the Widower. Sadly, due to CIBBL officials not allowing you to have the same player names*, they have been given new ones.

*So they can double charge you registration fees for zombified players.

Thank goodness for winter.