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ttorvatn
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Lizardman
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41/8/29
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2016-11-15 22:35:45
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2013-11-21 14:00:45
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2012-01-07 11:25:51
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2011-07-09 21:21:07
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2017-04-28 21:45:06
8 votes, rating 5
DLE - Killer blitzers in the SHC (lenghty... meant for hardcore DLE fans)
Günther:: “This was the piece we had decided to write at the end of the season, but now we need to release it earlier than we had hoped. Isn’t that right, Hertha?”

Hertha: “Yeah. And the reason, of course, is that we want this to be a tribute to the man who will most likely be this season’s slayer, but now will have to get the honour post mortem.”

Günther: “We are of course talking about Star blitzer Dietmar Althoff of our beloved Crimson Cascade, who was killed in action against the Scimitars yesterday!”

Hertha: “In a match were he already had 3 casualties, one of them a kill, Althoff was brought down and his career ended by a brilliant hit by the Scimitars own killer blitzer Jason Taylor.”

Günher: “As so many other killer blitzers has been this season. As mentioned, we had decided to make this piece about killer blitzers because we think that they tend to become idols of violence in our beloved sports. Doing the research, we found that there are not very many of them, and alas, their life expectancy is not the greatest…”

Hertha: “No. But the carnage they can make while they are on the field tend to dominate a match. More than one match has been a fencing game between the two teams killer blitzer, trying to do damage and watching closely for a chance to hit their opponent’s killer blitzer, and at the same time trying to shield themselves from hits and boots from the opponent team.”

Günther: “The typical killer blitzer is one who has both Mighty blow and Piling On, and despite what may be a general feeling, there aren’t too many of these monsters. Isn’t that right?”

Hertha: “It sure is. We have looked at them all, and starts with the SHC West.”

Günther: “Sharks started season 3 without any killer blitzers, but after week 9, they decided they needed one, and traded Buccaneers for damaged goods, killer blitzer Kareem Martin, who had lost both speed (MA) and toughness (AV). They then performed mystical rites on him, said to be worthy of a Skaven priest, and probably frighteningly costly, but who made him ready for the game against the River Bandits in week 10”

Hertha: “They could have saved themselves the trouble though. Martin was piled upon by River Bandits killer blitzer Cortez Allen halfway into the first half, after only to blocks, and ended up niggled. He did not play the next game against the Marauders, but was back again in the week 12 game versus the Thunder.”

Günther: “And here he did slightly better, making 7 blocks and causing 1 casualty, before he failed a dodge at the end of the game and killed himself! Total stats for this perhaps most expensive killer blitzer in the SHC was 9 blocks and 1 casualty, a conversion rate of 0.111. The casualty was a badly hurt against blitzer Chris Borland, who the apothecary promptly saved.”

Hertha: “But of course, Kareem Martin also spent the first half of the season playing for the Buccaneers, which we will get back to in a minute…”

Günther: “Marauders have fielded no killer blitzers in season 3, and neither has the Superbowl II champions, the Knights.”

Hertha: “No. But we will talk about one particular Kinght, and that is star blitzer Bish “the Bash” Bosh. Despite not having the Piling On attribute, he has amassed an amazing 15 casualties so far this season, making him the non PO player with the most casualties. He has made an amazing 140 blocks though, so his conversion rate is not that impressive, only 0.107.”

Günther: “And he took a serious hip injury against the Rangers in week 3 and has been limping a bit since (-MA).”
Hertha: “The final team in the SHC West is the Winter Wolves. Like the Marauders and Kinghts, they did not start out the season with a killer blitzer, but have developed no less than two during the season. Douglas Winston gained the killer skill Piling On after the Greenskins match in week 6, and in the next three matches he made 3 casualties on 21 blocks, a respectable conversion rate of 0.143. In mid-season he was traded to the Patriots for the Gunners first pick. Local talent Dennis Brown was then developed into a killer blitzer after the Sluggers match in week 11. In the two matches since, he has managed 1 casualty in 15 blocks, a measly conversion rate of 0.067. He is still playing for the Winter Wolves.”

Günther: “The SHC South has had its share of killer blitzer, but not the Wreckers. They managed without for the first half of the season, but traded Chad Clifton to the Patriots for no less than legendary Dont’a Hightower and a slew of current and future picks. Hightower made his Wreckers debut in week 10 against the Classics, only to be brutally fouled to death by Vontaze Burficht. He was even beyond every effort the apo could make. Thus, the killer blitzer with 51 casualties under his belt lasted 2 turns in the Wreckers uniform and managed exactly one block…”

Hertha: “The Avalanche has fielded the killer blitzer Juqua Parker for the whole season. He started the season with 2 casualties in week 1 versus the Winter Wolves, and has managed 8 casualties so far, with another double versus the Buccaneers in week 12. He has managed this in 58 blocks, giving him the very respectable conversion rate of 0.138. He also managed to get seriously injured twice, a broken arm against the Grizzlies in week 6 and then again with a broken jaw against the Patriots in week 10. He has also managed to become badly hurt, fouled by Art Monk after 1 turn against the Wolfskins in week 4 . He is still around, though.”

Günther: “For the Buccaneers, they started the season with killer blitzer Kareem Martin. He managed 6 casualties in 66 blocks even though he got a heavy concussion against the Grizzlies in week 4, and missed the week 5 game against the Crimson Cascade. He was then traded to the Sharks in week 9, where more bad things happened, as chronicled above. His conversion rate in the Buccaneers uniform was pretty weak at 0.091.”

Hertha: “Yeah. Kareem was a sweet guy, but not the most effective killer… As he left the Bucs in mid-season, his replacement George Blanda was traded in from the Legion in return for David DeCastro. Blanda was actually the Legion franchise player. In his first match against the Griffins in week 10, he stayed on the pitch in only 4 turns but made 4 blocks for 2 casualties, and then went on to double that in the match the week after against the Thunderbolts. In the four matches so far for the Buccaneers, he has 6 casualties on 26 blocks, which gives the excellent conversion rate of 0.231. He also added the Guard skill after that match. Finally, the Buccaneers have developed Brandon Spikes into a killer blitzer. He was traded from the Sharks in return for Kareem Martin, and acquired Piling On after the week 12 match against the Avalanche. After that, he has only played the Patriots match, where he made 2 blocks but no casualties before he was sent off with a gouged eye in the second half.”

Günther: “The fourth team in the South Division is the Bruisers, and they have no killer blitzers. However, season 3’s first round draft choice for the Bruisers, Ronner Lewis, is also one of those non-piling on blitzers who have done well, amassing 11 casualties this season, albeit needing 127 blocks to do it, which gives him a respectable conversion rate of 0.087. Respectable for a blitzer without Piling On, that is. He is still around doing good stuff for his team, and we could maybe also mention that the current 16 Bruisers players have only 19 casualties between them, and Lewis has 11 of these… ”

Hertha: “Going on to the East, the Manticores have no killer blitzer. Their big ugly franchise player, Karl “Tiny” Malone, makes up for it somewhat by amassing 11 casualties this season. This is generated in 104 blocks, giving a conversion rate of 0.106.”

Günther: “The Greenskins started out with Calvyn Pryor as their killer. He had been traded from Barboza Marauders before the season, and was a first round draft in the second draft. He did well in his first match, causing 3 of Greenskins 4 casualties against the Crimson Cascade in only 7 blocks, but did not so well against the Wreckers (1 cas in 12 blocks) and was killed with a foul late in the first half against the Sharks in week 3. He managed a total of 4 casualties in 23 blocks in the Greenskin uniform, a conversion rate of 0.174.”

Hertha: “The Legion started out with one killer blitzer, their franchise player George Blanda. He did not have a great start of the season, since he got seriously injured on his first turn of the week 1 match against the Vikings, and missed the next game. He got seriously injured again (niggle) in week 6 versus the Knights, but a mysterious ritual gave him back both his agility and annulled the niggle, so he was ready for week 7. In total, Blanda got 8 casualties on 40 blocks for the Legion, a conversion rate of 0.200, but they traded him midseason to the Sharks for David DeCastro. Legion currently has no killer blitzer, but their big ugly Chapman, a draftee from before season 3, has 10 casualties so far this season on 75 blocks, a healthy conversion rate of 0.133. ”

Günther: “Finally, the Rangers have played this whole season with no less than two killer blitzers! Jay Cutler has been around since the start of the DLE, and so far this season he has managed 16 casualties in 110 blocks, a conversion rate of 0.145. His partner James-Michael Johnson has also managed 16 casualties, but in 115 blocks, a conversion rate of 0.139. One must Wonder if each of them could have beaten Althoff if they had been the only killer on the team, but with two to share the tasks, they sometimes steal time from each other...”

Hertha: “Finally in the North Division, Wolfskins have managed without killer blitzers. They instead go for big, strong blitzers, like Portis, Vernon and Taylor.”

Günther: “Vikings have no killers either, although Keenan Robinson have manage 9 casualties in 67 blocks, which is a conversion rate of 0.134. 4 of his casualties was in his great match versus Crimson Cascade, where he got 4 casualties, among them the death of rising star catcher Nicola Krukenberg.”

Hertha: “The Grizzlies, however, did have a killer blitzer, drafted in the third draft to give them some punch. Mychal Kendricks never managed to do the big stuff, though, and was killed in week 11. Before his death, he managed 4 casualties on 38 blocks, a conversion rate of 0.105.”

Günther: “Which brings us back to Crimson Cascade. They had the greatest of all killer blitzers this season, Dietmar Althoff. He managed 21 casualties in 108 block, a conversion rate of 0.194, before he was killed by killer blitzer Jason Taylor of the Scimitars in week 12. A fun fact to add is that aside from Dietmar, Cascade have perhaps the two most dangerous quarterbacks in the league. Totally without brawling skills, Anders and Inga have so far managed 4 casualties between them with just 24 blocks. That is an amazing conversion rate of 0.167! Better by far than Bish "the Bash" Bosh, for example... And Inga, in her first four matches this season, made 3 blocks for 2 casualties! An unbelievable conversion rate of 0.667!”

Hertha: “Phew. That was some talking… What about one of your famous tables now, Günther?”

Günther: “Yeah. And here it is. Killers after casualties this season, and then other players mentioned tonight ranked by their casualties”

Killer blitzers in SHC:
Dietmar Althoff , Crimson Cascade 21 casualties (in 108 blocks = 0.194) Killed week 12
Jay Cutler, Rangers 16 casualties (in 110 blocks = 0.145)
James-Michael Johnson, Rangers 16 casualties (in 115 blocks = 0.139)
George Blanda (total season) 14 casualties (in 66 blocks = 0.212)
George Blanda (Legion) 8 casualties (in 40 Blocks = 0.200)
Juqua Parker, Avalanche 8 casualties (in 58 Blocks = 0.138)
Kareem Martin (total season) 7 casualties (in 75 blocks = 0.093)
Kareem Martin (Buccaneers) 6 casualties (in 66 blocks = 0.091)
George Blanda (Buccaneers) 6 casualties (in 26 blocks = 0.231)
Mychal Kendricks, Grizzlies 4 casualties (in 38 blocks = 0.105) Killed week 11
Calvyn Pryor, Greenskins 4 casualties (in 23 blocks = 0.174) Killed week 3
Douglas Winston, Winter Wolves 3 casualties (in 21 blocks = 0.143) Traded to Patriots
Dennis Brown, Winter Wolves 1 casualty (in 15 blocks = 0.067)
Kareem Martin (Sharks) 1 casualty (in 9 blocks = 0.111) Killed week 12
Brandon Spikes, Buccaneers 0 casualties (in 2 blocks = 0.000)
Dont’a Hightower, Wreckers 0 casualties (in 1 block = 0.000) Killed week 10

Other killers in SHC:
Bish “The Bash” Bosh, Knights 15 casualties (in 140 blocks = 0.107)
Karl “Tiny” Malone, Manticores 11 casualties (in 104 blocks = 0.106)
Ronner Lewis, Bruisers 11 casualties (in 127 blocks = 0.087)
Josh Chapman, Legion 10 casualties (in 75 blocks = 0.133)
Keenan Robinson, Vikings 9 casualties (in 67 blocks = 0.134)
Inga and Anders, Crimson Cascade 4 casualties (in 24 blocks = 0.167)

Brought to you by Hertha Wendlinger and Günther Schiele, Carroburg Tageszeitung.
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Comments
Posted by bghandras on 2017-04-28 22:01:43
What about KFC? :)
Posted by SpecialOne on 2017-04-28 22:33:02
No KFC in this.

/boo
Posted by grunth on 2017-04-29 11:06:53
boooooooh ! :D
Posted by Meanandugl on 2017-04-29 12:21:09
Great job ttorvatn!
Posted by CroixFer on 2017-04-29 12:43:35
Never thought they had such short life expectancy...
Posted by Danish_Dan on 2017-04-30 08:18:02
Very nice ttorvatn, now I know exactly whom Art should target with his fouls! And SHC is the best! Makes sense to me
Posted by FRSHMN on 2017-04-30 12:15:20
Well, there is Allen Cortez mentioned ;-)
Just the best of KFC...